Goooood morning beautiful!

So, everything that could've gone "wrong" this morning did. I mean, it started out moreorless on track, I woke up at 7:05, fell back asleep until my phone alarm went off at 7:25, and I had conveniently, or inconveniently :-), placed it last night (or rather earlier this morning), out of reach so I actually had to get up to shut it off. I had decided I would go to the gym this morning before going over to a friends house as I am her personal assisant for a couple months, so I had to make it to the gym by 8. Things seemed to be going well until I couldn't find my deoderant. I had put it in a backpack which I had taken on a hike with me, and the backpack was no longer where I'd put it. I found it rather easily as it was just on the stairs, but when I searched it, I found it empty. So I dashed all around looking for it, wondering where in the world do parents put deoderant that's been left in a backpack they apparently didn't want it to stay in even a day longer? Giving them the benefit of a doubt I checked the bathroom, not really expecting it to be there because it would've meant they'd have had to carry it all the way upstairs to put it on the counter. Then, forgetting all benefit of doubt, I checked the trash can, because I would not put it past my dad to just throw it away, although I wasn't sure it would've bothered him enough for him to do that, since he hadn't said anything to me about the backpack at any point in the past couple of days. Finally, I went back upstairs and used the first stick of deoderant that I found, which happened to be one of my brother's. Finally I grabbed my keys and my mom came downstairs. On my way out the door I asked if she knew where it was and she said, "It's in your desk." I hate it when they call it my desk. It's not my desk, it just happens to have a bunch of stories and papers and stuff from like, 7th or 8th grade when I did use the desk, so now whenever they're fed up with my stuff or need a quick stash, they put it there. I'm actually kind of surprised that I didn't think about it. Although right by the desk is a bin that has even more of my stuff in it, and I still wonder why they don't just use that. So by the time I left it was about 8:05. I dashed out the door, by now pretty uptight, and headed to the gym. No such luck. I was halfway there when my mom called and asked if Rachel (the friend I am a PA for) had gotten a hold of me yesterday. When I said, "No," she told me that Rachel had left a message for me on the answering machine yesterday and said I should probably come back home to listen to it and call her back.

Fighting frustration at this point and mumbling under my breath, I turned around and came back, knowing I wouldn't be going to the gym this morning. Being upset as it was, all the things that had kept me from the gym this past week started bothering me, when I really didn't mind anything and it had kind of been my choice on two of those occasions anyway. The first one was a hike that I do not regret going on, certainly not for the stupid gym! It was a lot of fun, although not much in the way of exercise (although considering the alternative of sitting around for most of the day instead, it was definately a sort of exercise). Tuesday I decided I wanted to go too late, so even though I wanted to I couldn't go to the gym. Wednesday I was completely planning on going to the gym during my lunch break. Close the lunch break Dr. J. said, "Hey Marie, make copies of these pages and pass them out to everyone on staff and tell them to read this one and think about it before our meeting at lunch." That one frustrated me the most because he seemed to think we all should've known we were meeting, and I think Dr. Banks and Preston did because they were at the last meeting where apparently they decided to meet every Wednesday afternoon during lunch for a few mintues. We were probably supposed to have been told, but Roni and I weren't. But, there wasn't much to be done about that, and I figured, O well, I'll go to the gym tomorrow. So much for that.

But, I get to help Rachel, and probably Roni and I will get off super early today and she and I can finally go to Olive Garden together and have some hang time. I am so grateful for Roni and that God has brought her into my life. My work has never been better, she is so amazing and I'm going to miss her so much when she leaves for college in the fall, but I definately won't lose touch with her.

Surrender don't come natural to me

"I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than take what You give that I need."

Random little quote from a song, it just stuck out to me.

So, a few things have happened recently:

What was supposed to be a cookout turned out to be a beer pong party where
I found out that Auston's dog is ticklish, and
I was deemed "Can't be that bad" because I was nice to the dog.
Tuesday Roni called me and said that Mrs. Trefzger was leaving for Washington state the next morning and to have as much of the CD as possible done and on a CD by then, so
I asked Joe and Philip to do me the huge favor of meeting after 7-24 to finish the rest of the songs so they'd be done for her.
I was only up until 2 in the morning putting it together and burning two copies (one for her one for me for the office), and
I only had to re-burn the copies two times each the next morning :-).

Oh, before I continue, that's a semi-interesting story right there. So, I made those two copies and boy was it thrilling to hold that very first copy of my very first CD! Woohoo! And you know, of course, I'm all pumped up and excited and it's amazing that I managed to fall asleep quickly. Then I woke up the next morning and the chorus for "Because He Lives" was playing in my mind -- seriously, I woke up and the chorus started playing in my mind. And all of a sudden I sat up and was like, "Crap! I didn't put that song on the CD!" I thought about just giving her the CD anyway, but since I had realized it I just couldn't do that -- I had to give her the whole thing, after all, she'd been the one who asked me to make this CD in the first place. So I added "Because He Lives" to the mix and burned two more CD's. Then, I decided I should play it and make sure it wasn't screwed up or anything. So it gets to the second song and it's playing the unfixed version! It wasn't horrible, in fact it was quite pretty, but my harmony was off on certain spots all except one time at the end. So then I started looking through the songs and trying to remember if I had saved all the fixed versions of the other songs over any drafts I'd had before, and I got to almost the bottom of the list and thought, "Crap, I don't think I did for this one either." So I played it and, sure enough, it's just me singing, no harmony. Which still isn't horrible, but it was one of the songs we had just finished the night before -- I couldn't very well make Joe's hard work on the last minute harmony go to waste! So I fixed those two problems and burned two more copies. I decided I'd give Mrs. Trefzger both copies anyway, one for her to give her mom and one to keep or give to someone else. Then I took the other two copies to work with me to play one and do whatever with the other one. Which actually leads me to the next parts of "few things that have happened recently":

Mrs. Trefzger managed to stop by the office long enough to pick up her copies before leaving for the airport this morning -- her eyes lit up and it was priceless and worth every moment, and
I gave my good copy to one of the patients who came in this morning who had heard it and had recognized my voice, and she hugged it to herself and her eyes lit up. She's been pretty alone in her beliefs spiritually and I hope so much that it truly is an encouragement to her.

Psalm 13

How long, O LORD?
Will You forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul,
Having sorrow in my heart daily?
How long will my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and hear me,
O LORD my God;
Enlighten my eyes,
Lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest my enemy say,
"I have prevailed against him";
Lest those who trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me.

You know what I noticed? No matter what David wrote in his psalms, he always ends with total and complete faith and trust in God. Sometimes he asks God questions, admits that he doesn't like what's going on, or doesn't understand why it's happening, but he always ends with a positive note.

(1)"For the LORD knows the way of the righteous,
But the way of the ungodly shall perish."
(2)"Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him."
(3)"Salvation belongs to the LORD.
Your blessing is upon Your people. Selah"
(4)"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."
(5)"For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield."
(6)"The LORD has heard my supplication;
The LORD will receive my prayer.
Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled;
Let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly."
(7)"I will praise the LORD according to His righteousness,
And will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High."
(8)"O LORD, our Lord,
How excellent is Your name in all the earth!"
(9)"Put them in fear, O LORD,
That the nations may know themselves to be but men. Selah"
(10)LORD, YOu have heard the desire of the humble;
You will prepare their heart;
You will cause Your ear to hear,
To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,
That the man of the earth may oppress no more."
(11)"For the LORD is righteous,
He loves righteousness;
His countenance beholds the upright."
(12)"You shall keep them, O LORD,
You shall preserve them from the generation forever.
The wicked prowl on every side,
When vileness is exalted among the sons of men."
(13)"I will sing to the LORD,
Because He has dealt bountifully with me."
(14)"Oh, that the salvation of Israel would come out of Zion!
When the LORD brings back the captivity of His people,
Let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad."
(15)"He who does these things shall never be moved."
(16)"You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
(17)"As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness;
I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness."
(18)"Great diliverance He gives to His king,
And shows mercy to His anointed,
To David and his descendants forevermore."
(19)"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in your sight,
O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer."
(20)"Save, LORD!
May the King answer us when we call."
(21)Be exalted, O LORD, in Your own strength!
We will sing and praise Your power."
(22)"A posterity shall serve Him.
It will be recounted of the Lord to the next generation,
They will come and declare His righteousness to a people who will be born,
That He has done this."
(23)Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever."
(24)"Who is this King of glory?
The LORD of hosts,
He is the King of glory. Selah"
(25)"Let integrity and uprightness preserve me,
For I wait for You.
Redeem Israel, O God, Out of all their troubles!"
(26)"My foot stands in an even place;
In the congregations I will bless the LORD."
(27)Wait on the LORD;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the LORD!"
(28)"The LORD is their strength,
And He is the saving refuge of His anointed.
Save Your people,
And bless Your inheritance;
Shepherd them also,
And bear them up forever."
(29)The LORD will give strength to His people;
The LORD will bless His people with peace."
(30)To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent.
O LORD my God,
I will give thanks to You forever."
(31)"Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart,
All you who hope in the LORD."
(32)"Many sorrows shall be to the wicked;
But he who trusts in the LORD, mercy shall surround him.
Be glad in the LORD and rejoice, you righteous;
And shout for joy, all you upright in heart!"
(33)"Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You."
(34)"The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned."
(35)"And my tongue shall speak of Your righteousness
And of Your praise all the day long."
(36)"There the workers of iniquity have fallen;
They have been cast down and are not able to rise."
(37)"And the LORD shall help them and deliver them;
He shall deliver them from the wicked,
And save them,
Because they trust in Him."
(38)"Do not forsake me, O LORD;
O my God, be not far from me!
Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!"
(39)"Remove Your gaze from me, that I may regain strength,
Before I go away and am no more."
(40)"But I am poor and needy;
Yet the LORD thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God."
(41)"Blessed be the LORD God of Israel
From everlasting to everlasting!
Amen and Amen."
(42)"Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God."
(43)"Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted withing me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God."

Just to name a few. Those last two listed are even a repitition of each other!

Get behind me Satan!

I have to thank you. Because of you I know how much God loves me and I know much better how to love Him. Because of you I learned that no matter how or how much I fail I will always be His girl, He will always love me. No matter what He will stand with me. No matter how upset I get or how often, He will never leave me to get over it alone. He will be there every step of the way. He will fight for me, and protect me from our enemy. He won't fall in love with someone else and leave me. He will be there to teach me and lead me.

And Satan, use him, take him, fine. You can hurt me all you want, shoot your arrows at my heart. You can take him from me, turn him away from me. You can strip me of everything and everyone I hold dear, I will not curse Him, I will not leave Him. Do whatever you want, hurt me as much as you want I will simply live a hard and burdened life but live a wonderful eternity. All you can do is take my flesh and bones, you cannot take my spirit, you cannot change my future and you cannot change yours. And in Jesus Name leave him alone. Leave them all alone! Leave us all alone, you have no place in our lives, and we will always triumph over you. You have no victory to win here.

Not even life can part He and I.

Two funny quotes before bed

"Now I know how to get to Marie's house: Cross Sterling Blvd. and stay straight on Holly for 2 hours....Turn Left...go for another 2 hours....Pass Williamsburg." - Roni on our way to my house during our lunch break. "Williamsburg Road" is a street name but she left out the "Road" part because it was funnier that way.

"So are you all brothers and sisters?"
"Yes."
Eyebrows rise.
"All one family?"
"Yes."
"Wow."
Conversation with our waiter as we left the Cheesecake Factory.

Hideaway by Blake and Morgan

She's the kind of girl who makes me smile at nothing
She's the kind of girl who makes me laugh with all her silly faces
That kind of girl who memories are made of
She's that kind of girl

That kind of girl who makes the sun wish that it could shine
That kind of girl who makes a man much better than he was before
She's that kind of girl
Oh

She says she will get married in a castle in late december
And I say that should do just fine 'cause I love the winter
And then we'll chase the sun down 'til it's dark out
And find our own hideaway, hideaway day

She's the kind of girl who dreams without a reason
She's the kind of girl that with one glance knows just what I'm thinking
That kind of girl who reads without occasion
She's that kind of girl

That kind of girl who's not afraid of danger
She's friendly to a stranger on the street
That kind of girl that'll skip class just for coffee
She sees me like the world could never see

She says she will get older in a big town in California
And I say that should do just fine 'cause I love the coastline
And then we'll chase the sun down 'til it's dark out
And find our own hideaway, hideaway day

That kind of girl who doesn't need to do her hair
She'll act on any dare, she knows that life's not fair
That kind of girl who let's music do the talking
She's dancing while she's walking next to me

She says she will be buried in the ocean come whatever
And I say that should do just find 'cause I love the water
Then we'll chase the sun down til it's dark out
And find our own hideaway hideaway day

Hideaway, hideaway day

Something's different about her...

Something is changed...no, not changed; something has returned in me, a joy, a happiness, deep, deep down that hasn't been there in a long time. Or it has been there all along but it's been pent up. It's been writer's block for the past two years, and now, all of a sudden, the floodgates are open and all I want to do is write. Write anything that could possibly mean anything to anyone, write everything and anything that tells you what's going on inside me.

I don't know what it was exactly, that broke the dam, but by golly it got broken and boy am I glad!

The God You Pray To

Scene 1: A statue of a mighty king sits on a throne stage left. A bed sits about 10 feet away.

A girl walks over and kneels beside the bed and folds her hands.

Girl: Dear God,
That mean old bully took my lunch again today. I pray that You would make her stop and leave me alone. Amen. (She climbs into bed and sighs before rolling over, turning her back to the statue.)
_____________________
Scene 2: A genie sits on the throne, stage left. Bed is in the same place.

Girl walks in. As she walks she speaks.

Girl: God, that bully took my lunch again today. I wish You would make her stop and leave me alone. (plops onto her back on the bed)
God(genie): Your wish is my command.
_____________________

Scene 3: There is a big cage where the throne used to be. No bed this time.

Girl walks in, head held high, and storms over to the cage. She begins to speak while she walks.

Girl: God, that bully took my lunch again today. (she opens the cage door) Sic 'er boy!
_____________________

Scene 4: The throne is back, a man sits on the throne. The bed is back in it's same place.

Girl walks over and sits on the edge of the bed, facing the throne.

Suzie (shoulders slumped): Father, there's a bully at school who took my lunch again today. What am I gonna do?
(God gets up and walks over to sit beside Suzie)
God (puts Suzie on his lap and and wraps his arms around her): Oh, Darling! What I want you to do is tell your mommy and daddy, and they will tell the principle at your school. It's not your place to deal with this situation on your own. Your parents want to be there for you, and the principle has authority to punish Anna if she doesn't stop bullying you. Ok?
Suzie: Ok.
(God stands up and puts Suzie on the ground. He turns around and pulls back the covers. He speaks as Suzie climbs into bed)
God: Now Darling, it's time for you to sleep. (He lays the covers over her) You have a busy day ahead of you tomorrow. But don't worry about it, I have everything under control. I love you.
Suzie: I love You, too, God. (They embrace and He kisses her forehead)
God: Goodnight, Love.

Lights fade.

The End.
_____________________

So how do you approach God? Is He a statue that never answers or does anything and is simply there as something for you to talk to? Is He a genie in a bottle whose duty is to carry out your every wish? Is He an animal to be tamed to do your bidding? Or is He a Living God, who will answer you when you talk to Him; who will give you advice and guidance to do what needs to be done; who is there to comfort you, and be with you, so that you are never alone; who has everything under control, and you can sleep in peace, knowing He loves you? Is He God the Father, God the Genie, God the Being, or God the Statue?

He's still working

Sunday night at Bible study Joe Bumba presented us all with a prayer someone had put together based on a few passages in the Bible. He told us how he'd seen it work in other's lives quickly, and he passed it out to all of us, and we prayed it for ourselves and each other. Monday morning I had the opportunity to pray it over one of the patients at the office and encourage her. The office had a busy day and Roni wasn't there and Dr. Ratcliffe said, "Marie, you need to be the RC." Before when I had to be the RC (the one who's basically all over the place) I either haven't done a very good job or I didn't have the best attitude about it, but this time I was like, "Yes, sir!" and took it over. I still forgot to make the next day's calls, though, because I'm so used to Roni doing it now. But the only bad part about forgetting to make the calls was one nutrition client didn't show up. The nutrition confirmation calls are the most important, because they are by appointment only. Although it's not so bad anymore because before Emily (the nutritionist) would only come in for the appointments, so if her first one, or last one didn't show up it was a whole hour or so of her time wasted because she has to wait and see if they're just running late and not calling. But now she works all day at the office on her nutrition days so she's there anyway so it's not so bad. And then today instead of 7-24 a bunch of the group and others from another group met at Reston Town Center where someone shared a message, and we prayed and worshipped. A couple of girls there started a kind of circulatory prayer thing where everyone went around to everyone and prayed with them, stranger and acquaintance alike. It was amazing, and so encouraging, but also humbling because the groups I've been in often put off prayer for discussion, or "We're tired, it's late, let's just make it quick and go home." I believe now more than ever that there needs to be more prayer around, especially in a Bible study group. I have seen so many amazing things happen in the past two days since that one prayer, and then all those other prayers...it's the start of a revival. Or so I hope. Revival, it's what we need. Our hearts are dead, our lives too easy and boring. It's safe, yes, but it's not much of a life. Haha, like the Pitty Party Crasher's skit, " You get up, you eat, go to work; you come home and go to sleep. It's just a lifeless cycle 'til the day you die." What we need is a revival. Perhaps this is the start of it.

And I've been thinking about started a small women's group. I'd like to read Captivating with other women. I believe it's greatly needed. The men in my Bible study have their Band of Brothers, and I thought maybe the women could do something similar (with a different name of course :-) ). Joseph suggested it a while ago, actually. At the time I wasn't much interested though; I was still struggling with distrust of women. I didn't know that was problem at the time of course. I mean, what woman distrusts women of all things? Usually it's the other way around, you know? But anyway. It's time to start taking a stand against the Devil.

I'm so excited!

Poetry

I want to write you many things, like how I’ll never be able to be with anyone else because I can’t, because it wouldn’t be fair to that person because my heart and mind would be with you. I want to adamantly assure you that I will be faithful to you. I’ve already told you how much I missed you, what I didn’t say was how much I still do, because things still aren’t the same. I want to hang out with you, talk with you, lean my head on your shoulder again. I could live without you if that were God’s will, but God’s will has made me incomplete without you.

It is hard though. Because others have been attracted to me, and it’s hard to forsake someone who wants me for someone who doesn’t. But I’ve given in a couple times, and I know that guilt will not leave me alone -- I can find hardly a pleasure in being with someone who sees me as a potential soul mate when in my mind I can’t stop thinking about you. They may not understand it but it is more loving for me to tell them, “No,” than it is to give in to what we both want. You however, have encouraged me to be unloving, because you don’t understand, you don‘t know. It was your negative thoughts about my actions and your ridicule that I gave in to, and I hurt, used and abused someone who had no clue of what they were getting themselves into.

I want to tell you that I hope you get the very best, even if it doesn’t include me. And I want to tell you that, right now, a part of me doesn’t even want anything more to do with you. A part of me is weary of enduring your ignorant ridicule. A part of me cries out to God saying, “God, release me from this terrible fate of waiting for someone who doesn’t care.” I want to be cared about, I want to be looked at, I want someone to be proud of me and be amazed at what God has done and made. I want to be a prize to someone, or I want to be released from caring whether anyone but God looks at me in that way. Because He is enough for me, and cares about me, and He looks at me and is proud of me and admires the work He has done and He wants to show it off.

I want to tell you all these things. But I’d have to have lost my mind to do something so risky and downright crazy. I’d have to be insane to say, “I love you.”

“Entreat me not to leave you,
Nor to turn back from following after you.
Where you go, I will go,
Where you lodge I will lodge.
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God;
Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried…”

You always have the choice to make the right decision

"Drew looks at me,
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want, and I need
And, everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me,
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
That I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me,
Can't he tell that I can't breath?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes, and know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

So I'll drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

He's the time taken up
But there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into.

Drew looks at me, I
Fake a smile so he won't see"

It really happens

I'm going to be an aunt.

Layla Grace.

It's hard to believe that such words can be so bitterly-sweet. Though one day, I pray, they will turn into something more sweetly-bitter. Because there will always, every now and again, be that knowledge that things should've been different. But more so there will be the acknowledgment that this is how it is, and God will make this something beautiful, and that it's up to us whether we make it into a blessing or a curse. So with that knowledge:

I'm going to be an aunt! Weeeird...

You know, my defenses and resolve almost got knocked over with that news. Having children out of wed-lock seems to be a family tradition. Two of my dad's cousin's, two of my own cousins, and now my younger sister. So far I am the only female of Nana's granddaughters that will have made it out of the teen years a virgin. But I won't give in...I can't. If I don't fight for this...I might as well not fight for anything. If I'm going to give in when all of them have already...it would be continuing a legacy that never should've started. I have to show the last two younger girls that it can be done. That it's not a tradition that needs to continue. I can break it.

How is it that I'm the one still standing for this? I mean, I don't regret it, and I'm not sorry for it, and I praise God for it. Because it's by His grace I still stand...because if they all fell...who's to say I'm any stronger? Because of God's grace I am and shall stay strong.

Trey, you're not alone. I struggle, too. I know it can be hard...is hard. I know how you feel. But we can do it, you can do it.

"The Lord is my strength and my salvation, of whom shall I be afraid?"

That was...sweet...in a strange way...

"I'm all dried up - barren - nothing left.........What are you doing?"
"I'm going to kiss you...with tongue. I'm going to kiss you...until you feel something, ok?"
"Uh....ok."
(after kiss)
"Why did you do that?"
"To remind you that you never dry up."

That was strangely sweet in an even stranger way...