The Change, Part 2

I do not know how to recognize God's love and provision, not really. My understanding is tainted by a first-world up-bringing. A world that largely believes that if you are honoring God and "being good", you will have nice things. If God is happy with you, He will bless you with everything your heart desires: you will get the job you want, the house you want, the car you want, you will not want for food or clothing, in fact, you can eat and wear whatever style suits your fancy. You will find the love of your life, you will work everything out together, and your children will be angels who get into the college of their dreams, and get straight A's. On the other hand, if God is not happy with you, you are the homeless, the poor, the alcoholic, the drug addict, the 40-year-old working at the near-by fast-food joint. You always have to rent, if you even have a home, you can't keep a job or you only ever work at minimum-wage jobs. Your marriage didn't work out, and your children are broken, or struggling in school, or drop-outs, etc. 

We live in a privileged country, and our understanding of purpose and life and God are often skewed because of this.

That being said, here is my struggle: when I hear good news, or hopeful news, my first instinct is, "Uh-huh. Sounds too good to be true, it probably won't happen." Or, when I choose to be hopeful and optimistic, it seems that everything that can goes wrong!

Back in October, my husband and I found out that our first child is on its way. This brought on a lot of mixed emotions ranging from excitement to worry. So many unknowns! Will I miscarry? How long will I keep working? What will happen financially while I'm on maternity leave? Will I go back to work after having the baby? Will I need to keep working 6 days a week most of the year to make ends meet? How will we afford doctor's appointments? That's just to name a few!

First thing I looked into was Medicaid. I applied as soon as I could, and I waited. I waited some more...I began to wonder if I would hear back in time for coverage to start at the beginning of the year. About 3 weeks after applying I got a call from them, answered a couple questions, and the woman said, "If we have any more questions, we'll call back in the next few hours. Otherwise, you should receive a letter in the mail soon explaining the next steps to getting coverage." Again I waited, and wondered why I hadn't received anything. Finally, I received a letter asking for proof of income...I received this letter on a Saturday, December 27, 2014, postmarked the day before. The letter said the due date for this information was December 5, 2014, the letter itself being dated as December 19, 2014. I worked on getting this information to them, and that Thursday I sent it out. About 3 days later, of course I get a denial letter for failing to provide the requested information. At this point, I'm about 4 months pregnant and I've only had a verification test and a first ultrasound done by a local, non-profit pregnancy center, and now I had no idea what we would do about affording a midwife, and heaven forbid something go wrong and I need a hospital! Jared assured me everything would be fine, worst-case scenario, we'd just pay out of pocket. About a week later, I received a response from Medicaid about the information I had sent (in which I had informed them of the confusing dates, and of having no idea when the stuff was actually due). Still they needed more information, and the new due date was 5 days from then. I mailed everything in with two days to spare, my dad confirming that it should be enough information for them. Again I received a denial letter stating I had failed to provide the requested information. That's where I am now with Medicaid. I don't know if what I mailed got there a day late, or if what I sent isn't what they wanted. My options are to call them and see if I can get a clearer answer, or to take my rejection letter to an OB/midwife clinic that uses a sliding scale and hoping that's affordable. I'm leaning toward the latter because I have no faith in government programs.

Then, my husband heard about a job opening that sounded like and answer to prayer. The job description sounded like something Jared would be great at, it would include benefits like a little paid time off and insurance, and the annual salary matched about what I make in a year. I was so excited! We would be taken care of! I could take off as much time as I needed for maternity leave, and go back to work part time if I wanted, and we wouldn't lose any income! In fact, this meant that the months leading up to our child's birth we could put all his paychecks toward paying off debt, possibly paying off half or more in just a couple month's time! As soon as he got the job, Jared expressed anxiety over it. At that point, it was new job, new schedule, new routine anxiety. As soon as formal training began, the anxiety grew worse -- so many new things to learn and keep track of! Once he started delving into it by himself, he said the rabbit hole left by the position being empty for 7 months kept getting deeper and deeper, plus all the record-keeping required took up most of his time, and he said it took twice as long as it should because he couldn't keep focused on it. He said it was a job for at least two people, but they couldn't hire someone to help him. After only 2 or 3 weeks, it became too much for him, and he left. His anxiety lifted immediately, mine, however, returned. It's like we're back to square one, only now I'm 5 1/2 - 6 months pregnant! Add to that the fact that my back and legs start hurting to the point of limping and crying after 3 or 4 massages now, and it's only going to get harder the farther along I get!

Every fiber of my being wants to cry out, "God, what do I need to do to make everything work out?!" and by that I mean is, "God, how can I please You so that You'll make things happen the way I want?!" I want His pity! I want Him to make everything easy! I want Him to set my mind at ease with stuff! However, Jesus says in Matthew, 

"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?"

and

"But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink,' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'

For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things."

and

"So DO NOT WORRY about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

He says to instead, "...'seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.'"

This American world tells me to focus on what I eat, what I drink, what I wear, where I live, where I work, how much I make...what things to buy so that not only my every day life, but my whole future will be easier. God says to me, "That's MY job, to take care of you, and I know how to do that, and I will do it! Your job is to seek first My kingdom and My righteousness."

There are so many more things I will worry about -- like everything that could go wrong -- but my hope is that I will also learn to give the completion of those tasks to His capable hands, as well, so that I can stop worrying about them, and focus on His kingdom and His righteousness, because that is the task He has given to me.