It's Not O.K. to Say "No"

Everyone tells me otherwise, but in time I find that they know it's O.K. like I know it's O.K. -- it's really not. Over and over I've been told, "It's O.K. to say, 'No.'" But hidden behind this permission is a tangled web of strings:

"It's O.K. to say 'No.' " But not to a direct order, particularly from an authority, even if it imposes on your morals or standards.
"It's O.K. to say 'No.' " But if you do, I'll be upset with you for the next few hours.
"It's O.K. to say 'No.' " But you'll be the "bad guy".
"It's O.K. to say 'No.' " But I'll walk right out of your life if you do.
"It's your choice." But the only right one is what I want you to do.
"It's O.K. to say 'No.' " It's not O.K. to say "No."


"No" is one of those words that is so unfamiliar, I need a dictionary to use it in a sentence properly.

You know, it's O.K. to say "No." No, no I don't know. Because it has never been O.K.
So when I walked into a young adults' gathering one night, and saw a man I used to let use me, I shattered. Completely shattered. Because no matter how adamantly I tell myself I won't let it happen again, I can't promise that's true. I can't do it. I know for a fact it is not beyond me to fail again. I wish I were stronger, I wish I could do the right thing, but in the moment, I never fight back. I never run. I never say, "No." I give in. I tolerate. I thought it would finally be over, after 3+ years, but who am I kidding? I never succeeded before, how can I promise this time will be different?

My roommate, Angela, found me in the ladies room, and she couldn't believe how much I was shaking out of shear terror -- even I couldn't believe how drastically I was reacting to this person's presence. The night passed without a hitch, though, and I noticed that this person had apparently taken his own precautions by riding with a friend of his, and we didn't exchange a single word or glance the entire evening. I can only pray that one day this will all really be over.

If only I could learn that it's O.K. to say, "No."