These past few months have been emotionally hard. Harder than I thought they would be, and I still have about 4 months to go. I don't even know where to start. I feel torn down, battered up and bruised. Not all the time, mostly right now and every other time my roomate confronts me about something. The fact that she feels she needs to confront me about something is discouraging. That and that it is always, "Are you mad at me?" or "Something you said hurt me." And I don't know what to do. I've tried giving up my opinion. Yeah, that hasn't worked thus far. It's actually hiding my opinion, and that only works so many times. But there's always hell to pay when I voice my disagreements so I pretend I never have a problem with anything. That's all anyone wants to hear anyway. When they ask me what's wrong, it's only so they can kindly tell me that I'm wrong or that my feelings are misplaced or all for naught.



I know part of it is just me being stubborn and distrusting, but then again...people have gone out of their way to teach me how not to trust.



I feel selfish, angry, used, fearful, discouraged, wrong, like I can't be what everyone expects me to be, like a failure, hopeless and stiffled. I think that summarizes it. The thing is...I also know that coming here is exactly what God wanted me to do. Maybe just to show me that I haven't really changed as much as I had hoped I had. Maybe just to save me from one of those people who taught me distrust. Whatever it is, I know I'm supposed to be here, I'm just emotionally in the depths of despair. I think the world would be better off without me. I figure I'm horrible marriage material and everyone is better off with me single. I feel like one big mistake.

So much for becoming an optimist. Or cynical for that matter.

I have such high highs and low lows that I fear nobody has what it takes to stick it out with me.
Ah, it feels good get everything out. God help me, that's all I can pray. I...am taking things day by day, because right now that's all I can do. If you think of it, I would appreciate extra prayers on my behalf.