I Love You This Much

by Billy Ray Cyrus

He didn't have the answers
To half the questions his son asked him
A child’s mind is a curious thing
But when his son hugged him and said Dad
You know I love you
How much do you love me
Daddy didn't have to think

With his arms open wide
Just as far as they could go
He said as far as I can reach
Is not enough to show
I would give my life for you
You are my flesh and blood
I love you this much

She stood there crying
Broken-hearted
Looking up at Him
And said why are You doing this?
He looks down at her wanting to hold her
And wipe her tears away
He has to leave and that's the way it is
She gave her son one last kiss

With her arms open wide
Just as far as they could go
She said as far as I can reach
Is not enough to show
I would give my life for You
You are my flesh and blood
I love You this much

And they raised his broken body above the crowd
Drove in the nails as the rain came down

With His arms open wide
Just as far as they could go
He said as far as I can reach
Is not enough to show
I would give my life for you
You are my flesh and blood
I love you this much

I love you this much

Reflected in Your Eyes

Destiny had never felt so much, all at once. She had no idea what to do about these strange...amazing sensations. The peak of a year's worth of learning new things: what it felt like to trust to the point of total abandon; to be told, "You're beautiful," and believe it; that she could look in someone's eyes, and, without ever hearing it, know he was proud of her, that he adored her; that she could make someone happy....that her dreams and talents weren't too big after all. And now this.

Destiny thought Brian might've reached out his hand underneath the picnic table, but she wasn't sure. Then he leaned forward, never taking his eyes off hers and she knew his hand was there, waiting. Heart thumping, she reached out her own hand. Ecstasy brimmed to overflowing the moment she felt that current spark at her fingertips and travel lightspeed through every nerve in her body. She smiled.

"What are you thinking?" Brian asked. Destiny's smile became sheepish.

"I can't believe you're holding my hand!" she said in an almost quiet sort of squeal. Ridiculous, sappy. Destiny couldn't care less. Brian chuckled.

"I held your hand on the bus, too," he pointed out, amused.

"I couldn't believe it then, either!" Destiny laughed.

Twilight deepened around them as they sat in silence, Destiny willing this moment to last forever.

"Look at me," Brian requested.

Until now, Destiny had almost solely stared at the table or her hands. But she had good reason -- these emotions...this state of being was so new and so powerful, she didn't trust herself to look into those blue eyes. She would probably do something currently inappropriate; like get up and walk around this picnic table and hug him for dear life, or kiss him...a couple of entirely too forward moves at this point and at this place for her to make. So, she sort of glanced up and back down, and shifted uncomfortably, her heart sinking as she realized Brian must be frustrated that she couldn't give him something so simple.

Look at him! Destiny ordered herself. Nothing. She just couldn't look up again, just continued drawing circles on his wrist with her index finger -- a habit they'd started on the bus. A silent communication.

Brian turned Destiny's hand over in his and stroked her palm, across the top near the base of her fingers, with his thumb. He smiled that half-smile she loved so much.

"You have calluses, too," he commented, referring back a couple days when Destiny had verbally noted this about his hands. Brian's comment now was endearing, not disgusted or put off by this fact. He wasn't upset at her, even though she couldn't look him in the eye, when she knew he really wanted her to. Destiny wasn't used to such...patience!

God, is this how much You love me?

At that moment, she knew four things: The love of God blew her mind -- if He loved her more than this young man sitting across from her...WOW! Secondly, that she wanted to love God right back, with all He made her capable of giving; thirdly, that she loved this wise, confident young man named Brian, like her elders had always said, "You'll know,"; and lastly, that he loved her right back. Such knowledge was so hard to swallow all at once!

"We should get back to the group, now," Brian said, in that half-hearted manner that said, "I'd rather stay here, but they'll be wondering where we are."

The moment ended, and Destiny knew there were obstacles ahead, but she and Brian walked back to the group together, and for now, that was enough. Besides, the memory of this night would never be forgotten.

My All-in-All

Today brings a few new reliefs:

1. I have a new start date for a potentially full-time job

2. I have a good amount of other work/back-up work to do if it's not

3. My accounts are stressfully low, but I have a little bit

of money I haven't yet deposited into my account

4. I have groceries, hopefully enough for the rest of this month

Of course, the ultimate relief has always been my personal connection with a God who is never out of control (Psalm 121), who's always watching out for my very best (Psalm 139:17-18; Jeremiah 29:11-13), and already knows the ultimate outcome (Psalm 139:16).

Sometimes it's hard to trust in Someone I can't see; but then I remember that, not only are the things I can see constantly changing and untrustworthy, but I also remember that my True Lover has never left me, or harmed me. Through good times, He has encouraged me, and given me rest, and through hard times, He has strengthened and fulfilled me, and greatly increased the wisdom entrusted to me.

And right now, while I have no solid, full-time job to count on, I have not missed a payment or a meal yet, and I've even managed to still have a few extras -- coffee, or lunch out occasionally, or a snack/dessert treat.

Speaking of food, my stomach is telling me to start making dinner!

Shine On

Today marks another one of those days, when the biggest decisions I have to make are: What am I going to wear today? Am I going to do my grocery shopping today? Should I have another cup of coffee later? and Will I actually get around to cleaning the house today?

The house certainly needs a good cleaning! The foyer, living room, basement hallway and storage room need vacuuming (the storage room because that's where my cat's stuff is); the kitchen and the bathrooms on the main level and in the basement need to be swept and mopped; most surfaces could use to be dusted; and my laundry needs to be put away, and I should really get around to emptying all or most of the boxes from my move so I can collapse the boxes and perhaps use the weights in the storage room for the remainder of my time living here. Yeah, I am so not motivated. Organizing frustrates me, because it seems to be an insurmountable mound and I'm not organized and creative enough to figure out a place to put everything, and with cleaning, I worry that all the dust will make my sinuses clog up and I'll be miserable for the next few days. A dust mask helps a little bit, but the dust lingers in the air long after the cleaning is actually done.

The ironic thing is: I know that if I just get started, it won't be as bad as I anticipate, and I will feel immensely better knowing that I have finally not wasted a day at home. But I feel like there are two halves of me that just aren't connecting, almost like multiple personalities, you know what I mean? There is the Procrastinator, who would rather sit around and write or read or draw but can't stick to either long enough to finish anything, and who looks at things like chores, or exercising at home alone, or following up on leads that could be bringing in some income and thinks, "Man, that's gonna take a lot of energy!" The one that puts things off "until I feel like it." The one that says, "There's too much to do! How am I ever going to choose between them? Where do I even start?" And then there's the Nike Slave-Driver, who says, "Think of all the things you would accomplish if you would just do it!" The one that dreams big, and has a whole list of things to do; the one that's hogging all the energy and excitement; the one that wants to play guitar and piano well enough to improvise and write music, draw portraits with accurate detail and emotion, be a successful business owner or help advise/manage something like my friend's drama team. The one that wants to dance, help people rebuild their lives or get back on their feet again with an intense trust in the Lord, and adopt those older children "that nobody wants"...Take a guess at which one wins most of the time? The thing about the Procrastinator is that she knows how to study God's word, and "be still and know that [He] is God," while the Slave-Driver knows how to act on the example of the ants. I need a way to healthily combine the two, although I'd say the Slave-Driver has a lot of catching up to do.

All this time, I've thought that touch and quality time were my strongest "love languages", and about...oh, 2 or 3 years ago I realized words of affirmation wasn't the lowest one on the list. For the first...19-20 years of my life (ok, I guess less than that, since the first few years I didn't have much understanding to begin with), I thought the order was something like: Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, Service, Words of Affirmation. My friends Andrew and Sue have known all along, perhaps Kilikina, as well, that this wasn't the case, but I didn't realize my error until about 2 or 3 years ago. So, for the past 2-3 years, the order changed to: Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Service.

Today I realized even that isn't correct. I'm a pleaser -- I want to please God and as many people as possible: Words of Affirmation is by far my strongest "love language." I take criticism very seriously, and a "You done good" can make my week. If I receive a pat on the back or a hug with it, my whole month might be made :-). So now, here is my current revised order: WoA, T, QT, G, S.

Wow, today's been a day of interesting revelation, woohoo!

Now, to go be productive. God, may You be glorified in all that I do and say, in Jesus' name.

Better to Have Loved and Lost, than to Never Have Loved at All

Looking back, on the mem'ry of

The dance we shared b'neath the stars above

For a moment, all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say, "Good-bye"?

And now, I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end

The way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'da had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything

For a moment, wasn't I the king?

But if I'd only known how the key would fall

Then, who's to say, you know I might have changed it all

And now, I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end

The way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'da had to miss the dance

Yes, my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'da had to miss the dance

But I haven't lost. I never will, no matter what happens.

Everyone who knows what I'm talking about, save two, have essentially told me to worry about a bunch of "what if's". "What if he gets engaged?" "What if he marries someone else?" "What if you're wrong?"

What if I'm not? What if I'm not wrong, and I take all those other "What if's" to heart? What if I marry someone else simply to please everyone else who are so worried about me... so I'm not single for the rest of my life, and then find out I've jumped the gun? What if...what if. There are a lot of those.

James 1:6 (second half), and 8 say, "...for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind....he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." The context of these verses is asking God for wisdom, and trusting Him to give it to liberally, as is the promise.

I am unstable in many ways -- because I am so quick to assume that I'm wrong; to allow others to think for me, or assume that they know more about God and His word simply because they state their belief with authority.

I know what I heard. Whether it was God or my imagination is the question everyone wants the answer to, and everyone assumes they know -- including me. The truth is that the truth will be revealed in due time, and no one but God is going to reveal it. We could engage in a battle of "What if's" until the Son of God returns, but none of the "What if's" are any more likely than the others. They're all equally "What if's". Possibilities. Potential outcomes. Nothing more.

The general majority of people who know what I'm talking about, believe that I'm mistaken. That doesn't make it true. God doesn't take a poll or survey to determine which way He goes. In fact, in my experience, He chooses the route that no one even thought of as a possibility, proving that He's far more creative that we are. What other possible outcomes there could be in this case, I've no idea. Perhaps there is only a "Right" or "Wrong" ultimately, but He has a completely creative plan of execution. Only He knows, which is why only He can change my mind.

What Happens at Deerpath, Stays at Deerpath

The world after a heavy snow is hard to compare to -- at least where the city is concerned. Of course, the snow isn't even finished falling yet, but perhaps it's even more glorious a sight while those lovely white flakes are still drifting down.

A fire would be nice tonight, especially since I'm relaxing beside it while three of my friends finish our game of Monopoly. Yes, our game. I was the first to go. Landed on one of the pink places with a hotel on it, paid that, then next turn landed on a red slot with a hotel. John offered to take one of my monopolies in exchange for not paying rent, but it seemed inevitable that I would eventually wind up out, and giving up one of my two monopolies would just draw out the matter. So, I mortgaged everything, paid him off, then rolled a 6 and wound up in jail with only $34 left to my name. When I failed to roll doubles by my third attempt, we threw in my $34 dollars and considered me the first loser. Basically, I committed suicide in order to avoid the long, drawn-out process of torture. Cowardly, perhaps, although it is simply a board game, and I wouldn't actually commit suicide as opposed to going bankrupt in real life. Ah well, there is always next time. Ah, looky there, Ness won; guess I should get back to my guests, then.

I thought, several hours ago, that I'd wind up being snowed in alone, because Ginny and Smitty has just backed out from crashing here in Leesburg with me, which meant that John wouldn't be coming over, because it just wouldn't be appropriate for a guy to sleep over, "no matter how well we behave ourselves," and two of my three roommates are off on cruises, and the third had plans to get snowed in at her parents'. But, Ginny and Smitty reconsidered when I said they'd be welcome to stay Saturday night as well, if the roads weren't safe enough for them to head home that night, which turned out to be the only set-back in their minds, so they came over, as did Ness. If they hadn't reconsidered, Ness suggested dressing all in black, and getting some rope and duct tape and going to get them. So maybe they would've wound up here anyway ;-).

So far tonight, in addition to Monopoly, we worked at 3000 piece puzzle for a little while, attempted to watch John's brand new "Pink Panther" movie, but it started skipping and freezing half way through, started Monopoly, paused for a dinner of spaghetti and garlic toast (needed more garlic, though), and then finished Monopoly. John is now pre-heating the oven for cookies, and soon will commence several rounds of different kinds of Poker, played either with poker chips, or Monopoly money.

Our agenda for tomorrow, is: eat breakfast of eggs, hash browns, oranges, milk and biscuits, and then suit up and head outside to sled and build interesting snow men. When we've finally had our fill of playing in the snow, we'll trek back inside for pizza and hot chocolate. The rest of the day is TBD, but probably more of the same as tonight, depending on how late the three of them stay or if they sleep over another night.

Mmm, the smell of cookies baking in the oven. Hosting calls! :-D

Music, Tears, Prayer and Chocolate

Being at home alone so much is really taking its toll on me.

I think it wouldn't be so bad if I weren't thinking about saving the gas in my car and could drive out and either sit in a coffee shop sipping coffee or go where I can hang out with friends or family.

I was abnormally devastated when Connect, my church's young adult group, was cancelled due to possible bad driving weather. To think that two years ago (since last year was spent in PA), I sometimes looked forward to a night off. That doesn't usually happen anymore, since I'm alone most hours/days of the week due to my random and undependable work schedule. I just want to be around people, not even necessarily social, just around. I'm used to there always being someone around, at least in the evenings, and I'm used to a lot more noise, coming from a family of 10.

So many joys and dreams....just gone. Like a garden that's seen no rain in a year. Only evidence that there once was a garden in that spot. Sing, where? I can barely play any guitar, and I don't have any musicians with a dream to team up with me. I'm tired of entertaining dishes, of serenading a house empty of all but me and my cat. Write? Yeah, never could be consistent with that one. It also gets frustrating when I can't finish anything except poems and songs, sometimes even those go barely titled, much less finished. I always lose focus or interest, or direction.

Sure, I could go to college. To what end? To do what? Spend my and my parents' money (if they'd even help out at this point) hoping I can figure out what I want to study? And then what? I've no plan, no dream. I used to, not sure what happened to those...I can't even remember really what they were or why I wanted them to come true.

So, why do I feel this way? Because I'm not contributing to anybody's life; I'm barely scraping by financially -- I love treating people to meals, or coffee, or gifts, and I am completely unable to do so at this time. I love being a part of peoples' lives, and that doesn't happen when you're home alone all the time. I'm losing relationships, not building them. For a while I couldn't listen to music because my laptop insisted that I had no audio devices on my computer, which was not true in the least, and I can't seem to make it to the gym more than once a week. That kills.

All that to say, I know it'll get better. It's just taking longer than I'd hoped or planned. So I'll sip my hot chocolate to "Bad Goodbye" and "That Kind of Girl", cry because I hurt, knowing I'll heal, and pray because "life can be lived, life can be loved, alone."