How do you raise good children?

"Marie, what do you think? How did your parents do it with you all?" -Dr. J.
*thinks*"I don't know." -Me

Which is true, if it weren't for God I don't know who I'd be. But when I think about the places I stumble so much, I don't like the person I imagine at all. But I don't want to say they failed in each and every way. But I made some decisions about things I wouldn't do because I know how much they hurt me when used with me. But I also think that one thing is that, even when I was flaming mad at them, one or both of them, and they were losing patience with me and my stubborn attitude, they often reminded me that they loved me, and they did their best to teach us right and wrong. But most of all it's how God led us. It's a miracle how any of us turned out.

*sighs* If I had more time this might've been a deeper entry. But I've got all these things on my mind about stuff I need to do during my break that nothing's coming quickly enough :-).

"Children need love, especially when they don't deserve it."

-Someone with a thought of wisdom-

So, what about you all? What is something you really appreciate about how your parents raised you and you'd like to remember and pass on if you ever raise children?

You are amazing, God

Yesterday my loan came in the mail. Today, he greeted me, and, as he was walking away, he paused, turned, and said good-bye. I know I grinned ear to ear with that. That totally made my day. I wasn't sure if things would ever get even this comfortable ever again. I wondered if things were bound to be awkward and strained for the rest of our lives. Justin, thank you for telling me I should talk to him. God, thank You so much for everything. I know now for sure that he cannot be replaced. *sighs* Oh, I just want to...to tell him I'm sorry for everything. But most of all I want to see that everything's ok...to know that I didn't ruin everything...

I'm still here

This week has just been so amazing. I am so grateful to my boss for allowing me to leave work early to be in Conversations 2, and I'm grateful to the others at my job who have supported me in this and are encouraging me in it. I feel so blessed when people I know come and are so encouraging and all, "You did a great job!" And I thank God that I've been able to play my part. And I love all the people in the play, everyone's so awesome, I love working with them.

Hehe, Lola has resorted to calling us all by our stage names. When she comes and gives us pointers and encouragement, she's like, "Grace, blah blah blah," "Bridgette, blah blah blah," etc. It's great :-). I will remember this week fondly, and will be quoting it for quite some time, I'm sure :-). I should go to bed and get some sleep, I hope to make good use of my time tomorrow before work, like, by taking a shower and getting some of the leftover make-up off that doesn't come off from a rinse :-).

Oh, man, my heart is just...filled to overflowing right now, and I feel like I am one of the most blessed girls in the world to have such supportive people in my life, such caring people, some of whom, like Joshua and Philip and Leslie and Sarah and all the rest who haven't known me very long. And I am the least deserving of such love.

We are barrelling ahead

So, as of this past Thursday Marie is officially graduated from the National Personal Training Institute and, beside lack of diploma, am a real Certified Personal Trainer. I should receive my diploma in about a month because I have no hours to make up, no information/forms to turn in, and owe no money. Woohoo. But it's also kind of scary...well, ish. More like...mind-boggling -- I have a specialization in something and will now be working full-time in something everyone is proud of me for doing.

Something tells me this is not my main place -- my purpose. I'm not exactly sure what all else lies in my future, what God will call me to, but this isn't it. This is not my calling. Not to say God won't be glorified in where I am right now -- Lord willing He will be glorified no matter where I am. But if I settled here and didn't keep an eye out for something else I would be restless and dissatisfied. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I went through the class and all! But have any of you ever had the feeling that you tried so hard to go for your dreams, but no one believed that you could reach them, or didn't really want you to reach them, so you got discouraged and finally headed in another direction and, after much pain and sorrow, achieved things that made everyone around you proud of you and excited for you?

Thought of the day:
"If you could pick out any person you know who truly lived what they said: cared about the poor and then helped them out; visited the people that everyone else considers the outcasts: the drug addicts, alcoholics, "sinners" -- truly cared about people, he would be worth following, don't you think?"

Reminiscing and pondering the present

Lately I've been meeting a lot of people who have come from broken families. Parents are divorced, separated, or just gone. Parents who didn't treat their children well, people who didn't/don't get along with their parents. And sitting here on my front porch, watching a few of my younger siblings playing together with their friends, Mom and Dad inside preparing for us all to go to my cousins' grandmother's retirement party; and thinking about how much fun we all have together -- all ten of us...well...I'm blessed beyond conception! And that's an understatement! A big one! I mean -- could it be much better than this? I mean, my family's not perfect -- we have our rought times -- the times that we just can't stand each other...but every family has hard times. But we are family. Deep down we all love each other. Behind all the teasing, whining, grumbling, and annoying each other, we love. I know I have a place here. I know there are people here who want to take care of me. My older younger sister is one of my very best friends -- literally, even though we have just about nothing in common. One of my brothers and I can have a blast hanging out together. And I can easily decide to take my two youngest siblings out for lunch, or even shopping in general (they like giving their opinions :-D). My parents love us and each other. My dad wants to do a special project with each of us -- He and Nick are building a guitar, I think he and Vincent are doing that, too, he and Rebekah are going to fix up a car. My parents are supporting us in our potential live endeavors -- putting me through NPTI, Nick in college, Rebekah through college and Cosmetology school, C.J. in gymnastics, Vincent in Karate, plus other little activities -- oh yeah, supporting me in buying a car -- even helping out with the cost a little. I should say they're supporting me in heading into the adult world, considering I'll kind of be in it before many of my friends -- helping me learn how to support myself and be responsible.

And I stand in awe when I think about it all. Who am I that God should bless me so greatly? Why aren't my parents divorced? Why don't my parents abuse me? Why do my parents love me? Why do I have so many wonderful siblings? Why do we have love for each other? Why wasn't I born on the other side of the world in a place no better than a sewer? Why do I have more than enough food? Why do I have money left over? Why...? Why? Who am I? God, thank You -- what would I be if it were any other way? It's...it's inconceivable! It's...breathtaking. It is a blessing I am unworthy of.

Let me let go

"Let me let go, baby

Let me let go

If this is for the best,

Why are you still in my heart

You're still in my soul

Let me let go"

"I thought this was supposed to feel good

And if you were really mine

I guess it would

I didn't fall in love

'Cause it was the right thing to do

I just went ahead and fell for you

Oh, somewhere down along the line

I guess this love became a crime

This contradiction makes no sense

This is punishment

I feel like this is judgement day

I'll raise my hand, stand up and say

I don't believe I'm innocent

This is punishment

Truth is, your heart was never mine to take

Now I'm stuck in a feeling

That I'll never shake

I prayed for it to go,

God knows I want it to stay

But here I am loving you either way

Oh, somewhere down along the line

I guess this love became a crime

This contradiction makes no sense

This is punishment

I feel like this is judgment day

I'll raise my hand, stand up and say

I don't believe I'm innocent

This is punishment

You'll never feel all the things I can't say

And I'll never know if it's better this way

Oh, somewhere down along the line

I guess this love became a crime

This contradiction makes no sense

This is punishment

I feel like this is judgment day

I'll raise my hand, stand up and say

I don't believe I'm innocent

This is punishment"

Lord, I'm down on my knees again tonight, hoping this prayer will turn out right. I am the weakest of all who walk this earth, the vilest, knowing what the right thing to do was and not doing it. I just...froze...and fell. Lord, how can anyone see me as beautiful? Besides being extra short and having dark circles under my eyes that I often don't bother to cover up in the least, I am not...I am not beautiful inside. I deserve to be ignored, I am not worthy of anyone, especially not of someone who really truely cares about me.

Oh, God, what have I done? Renew my worth, LORD God, for only You can. I don't deserve for You to, don't have a right to even ask it of You, but I do, Lord, for I know You take joy in being the strength of Your fallen children. Somehow, You delight in teaching, and lifting up, and healing. And God, if anybody needs Your grace, it's me. Oh, God, it's me. How can I say I love You when at every turn I hurt You? But I need You to love me, Lord. Please, on my knees I beg You.

How quickly sadness comes upon me,

When taken over by an onslaught of painful memories

When will they die, or at the least, fade?

But all things being equal, would the good I trade,

To never have been driven back to my Lord

By never falling for you? Such I can't afford

The good, does it outweigh the bad?

Lord, by my actions I have made You sad

I wandered from the path You set before me

Why, oh why, didn't this distruction I see?

Why couldn't I tell that the pain would be great?

Or did I, and thus more foolishly sealed this fate

This fate of hurting myself and those I love

And disappointing You, my God above

But now closer than ever I draw to You,

Knowing more than ever I need You, and only You

Hold me, Lord! Don't let me go!

Draw me close, and let me know

That everything I've done is truely forgiven

And allow me to attain the peace for which I've striven

Thank You, Lord

Amen.