Split Personality

Roni and I were put on call for today, so we had the day off. I was excited because I'd have time to focus on reading a book one of the patient's left us that her daughter helped write. The day was going great, and then 3 o'clock hit and for some reason I began to feel extremely restless. I prayed, read my Bible a little, and searched my heart to find out what it was. Finally I decided I needed to go to the Safeway Starbuck's, get coffee, and leave a tract for Nelsey, whom I'd met one day during my work break. So I went, and brought in change for a tip 'cause I was gonna use my debit, and saw that Nelsey wasn't working, but in fact a girl I didn't know and a guy I had often seen at RBC growing up. We greeted each other in that I-recognize-you! fashion, and I asked if he still attended RBC and learned that he has been for the summer, but attends a different church in Richmond, where he goes to college at VCU. Then I ordered mine and my mom's coffee, kind of like, "Ok, well that kind of changed my plans," and saw that there was no tip jar, so it didn't matter that I'd purposely brought in change. But when I left, I still felt better, a little more calmed down.

I guess my job and other aspects of life have affected me a lot more than I thought...to think talking to some random person I may never have spoken to before would calm my restless spirit is astounding! I suppose I should search for things to talk to others at 7.24 tonight. I am now ready to continue my reading, and to continue dreaming that there really are faeries out there, and wish I could be one of them...:-)

The Ladies Room

The Ladies Room

Ever wonder what really happens when all the ladies leave the boys and go into the Ladies restroom? Is it to gossip? Is it to actually use the bathroom for what it was built for? What in the world do they do in there and why do they always need to go together? Do they get lonely? Are they afraid of the bathroom? And what about when they don’t go in a group? Is that girl the outcast? A loner? Or is she the brave one who doesn’t mind going in alone? Or maybe, just maybe, it’s much more top secret than that…

So, what do you think? :-)

It helped

I'll give in because I'm selfish
I'll give in because I'm weak
I'll give in because I fail to trust You
That You care for me from week to week
Or I'll walk away because I care
About the people the Devil tries to involve
I'll walk away because I trust You
That all these problems You will solve

Instincts are feelings but feelings aren't always instincts

Sometimes feelings are just that -- feelings. The guy who wrote "Change Your Brain Change Your Life" has much knowledge from God. He has been given insight to help people psychologically. Why he believes in evolution to an extent, I don't know. Hence why I take what the Lord wishes to show me, and leaving the rest. But he has made some fantastic points, some of which are things people have been telling me for years: thoughts are real and they affect your entire body; talk back to negative thoughts and feelings and expose them for what they are; fill your mind with positive feedback (he even started that chapter with Philippians 4:8: "Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy -- meditate on these things.").

The Word of God is mighty fine place to start. When in doubt, read God's Word. He thinks higher of you than anybody else. In fact, when you read things like Psalm 139 you realize that He not only loves you and thinks highly of you, He is obsessed with you! No one else cares how many hairs are on your head (in some cases so long as there's enough to cover it, right? :-P). He knows when you sleep, He knows when you wake up, He can start our thoughts and He is even acquainted with all our ways. Good and bad. He knows us through and through. He knows our strengths, and He surely knows our ever weakness. He knows where we struggle and fall the most. It doesn't surprise Him when we make the same mistakes over and over again. It saddens and frustrates Him, certainly, because He knows it's not worth it, He knows how much better it is not to stumble. But He's not surprised. And "He remembers that we are dust." (Ps. 103:14)

And though He punishes us or lets our sin run its course to show us how much sin hurts us and those around us, He never gives us what we deserve unless we die unsaved. "He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor punished us according to our iniquities." (Ps. 103:10) In other words: life isn't fair, praise God. Because if it were, we would be living in hell on earth. Don't get mad at God because He isn't being fair. You don't want Him to be fair. "Fair" would be saying that, "I said you have to be perfect to be with Me, so unless you're perfect you're not getting into heaven, and I'm not sending My Son to die for you self-righteous, unthankful, cursing creatures." But praise God that He is not only Just and Righteous, but He is merciful beyond comprehension. His mercy doesn't make sense. His laws make sense. His punishments make sense. His mercy doesn't make sense. It is because of Himself that mercy makes any sense at all. Because He decided that His love for us would not be complete by simply being sorrowful and angry with our barbarous ways. He decided that His love would not be complete without mercy. His mercy is the taste of goodness we receive in this world. His mercy says that all is not lost. His mercy is why life isn't fair. As Christian speaker Voddie Baucham said at a Desiring God conference, asking "If God is so good how come bad things happen?" is the wrong way to ask the question. "You ask, 'How can a God who is Righteous, and Holy, know what I did, and said, and thought in yesterday not kill me in my sleep last night?' Because until you ask the question that way, you believe in the supremacy of Man." When you ask the question that way, you realize it is not the supremacy of Man, but the Supremacy of God.

So today, when something bad happens, or somebody wrongs you, or you wrong somebody else, or you just plain ol' wrong our Lord GOD, humble yourself and praise God that life's not fair.

"If you don't take me to Paris,

On a lover's getaway

It's alright, it's alright

If I'd rather wear your t-shirt

Than a sexy negligee

It's alright, it's alright

Every dinner doesn't have to be candlelit

It's kinda nice to know that it

Doesn't have to be perfect,

Maybe every little piece

Of the puzzle doesn't always fit

Perfectly

Love can be rough around the edges

Tattered at the seams

Honey, if it's good enough for you

It's good enough for me

...If in every wedding picture

My daddy looks annoyed

It's alright, it's alright

Don't you know that all the fairy tales tell a lie

'Cause real love and real life

Doesn't have to be perfect

Maybe every little piece of the puzzle

Doesn't always fit

Perfectly

Love can be rough around the edges

Tattered at the seams

Honey, if it's good enough for you

It's good enough for me

Oh, you don't mind if I show up late for everything

And when you lose your cool

It's kinda cute to me

Hey ain't it nice to know that we don't have to be

Perfect,

Maybe every little piece of the puzzle

Doesn't always fit

Perfectly

Love can be rough around the edges

Tattered at the seams

Honey if it's good enough for you

It's good enough for me

Oh, it's good enough for me

Yeah, you're good enough for me

Oh, you're good enough for me"

-Sara Evans, Perfect

The Turning Point

Praise God He turned my car around, I might have killed myself. It would've been hard to fight the urge to just let my car drive off the road...after all it would be best to get rid of the problem. If I didn't exist anymore, he would no longer have a struggle. And besides, God's the only one who wants me anyway. I've wasted myself, hated myself. Why couldn't I stand strong? I'm a Christian, I'm not supposed to struggle with this and I'm certainly not supposed to fall! I'm supposed to be a role model and here I am tripping a fellow believer. No matter how much I want to I can't seem to do the right thing. "That which I will to do I do not do and that which I will not to do, that I do." -(Romans 7:something)

I thought I could be strong

But it's killing me

Won't someone hear my cry

I'm dying for new life

But praise God I finally realized that I couldn't do it alone. I really needed help, drastic help. Especially while I was hating myself and knowing I'd be pondering suicide on my way home. But finally, Joshua's plea that I confide in a woman hit me that it's what I needed to do. Because I couldn't handle the situation on my own anymore, and I couldn't help the one I'd hurt because I was the problem. Tears filled my eyes and I ripped my heart in two. I called Andrea as I turned my car around in someones driveway. Joshua raised one hand as I passed him a second time, this time on my way back.

Nobody answered. So I called again. Again no answer. So I called Diane, and when she picked up I almost hung up -- I haven't trusted another female in a long time, it was a frightening thing to do so again knowing I would be completely vulnerable to this person.

"Can you come outside?"

"Yes!" click. Joshua's mom (who had a slight idea of what was wrong because everyone was wondering why he wasn't at Bible study).

I turned off my car, tears still holding in my eyes. For a moment I froze, waiting for Diane to walk out of the house. I decided not to wait and to go meet her. I walked across the court and halfway there I saw Diane dash out of her house.

"What happened!" she held her arms open and I collapsed into them and began to sob. I felt a third hand rest on my head. It has been so long since I have done more than shed a few tears on someones shoulder. So long since I have let anyone see me hurt so much. I figured it was nothing to burden anyone with, they shouldn't have to bear my load -- I should be strong enough to bear it anyway.

I had planned on being home at a decent hour to get some good sleep, but 2 hours passed and I was still talking to Diane and Andrea (whose hand had been on my head). Joshua came by and gave me a hug saying, "I'm glad you came back to talk to Andrea."

At last, help. I'm no longer alone in my struggle, and they said to just let them know what we needed them to do. At last, accountability, so the problem can be solved (not annihilated off the road).

Praise God He turned my car around.