Hindsight

I've been reading a book called Captivating, which is basically the women's equivalent to Wild at Heart, and written by the same guy and his wife. Chapter four is called "Wounded" and it's compares the kind of childhood every girl wants, and the many ways most childhoods actually turn out. It gave examples of abusive fathers, passive fathers, and hurtful and passive mothers. Most of the examples were "extreme", and I thought back to my childhood and the mess I'd become at one point, and I thought, I can see how a girl would be deeply scarred from those incidences, but what in the world did I see during my childhood that made me think the way I did? And I thought about how I relate to other guys and girls. I thought about how I have the tendency to want to go to my guy friends to talk or get advice from them over my female friends, and I wondered if that tendency had something to do with my childhood in any way. But I didn't have a horrible childhood. My parents made mistakes like every other parent does, and I know that unfortunately I'll make mistakes too. I know that both my parents love me and want what's best for me. I know my parents love each other as well. In my hesitations to talk to my mom about something I would often not even talk to my dad if I figured he would tell me to talk to my mom about it anyway. They are a team, you can't have one without the other.

What did I always want from her, and why didn't I trust to get it from her? I wanted advice and for her to be proud of me. But I knew that instead of advice I'd get either a lecture or she'd force a decision on me and be disappointed if I made the opposite decision (and sometimes the decision didn't matter and I just needed to make one). Instead of praise I'd get, "Good but you need to keep it up," or a lecture. On the other hand, I knew that if I went to my dad for advice or encouragement, that's exactly what I'd get. I mean, he disciplined me, too when it needed to be done, and I get my short temper from him :-), and he gave lectures as well -- but when I actually did something wrong, not in the anticipation that I would do something wrong. I know my mom reacted the way she thought was best -- I know she wanted to raise her daughters in the way they should go, and I know she wanted a relationship with us girls. But I always felt like she expected me to mess up -- in every situation. Like I couldn't and/or wouldn't ever make the right decision. She put no trust in us. I think her distrust is probably founded in how she grew up. One, because she and her mom have very similar personalities, and I wouldn't be surprised if her mother related to her in much the same way as she relates to us; two, she probably made decisions she wished she hadn't and that she really doesn't want her own daughters to make; three, she probably saw bad decisions that her friends and others around her made and didn't want us to make them, too. So she wanted to do everything in her power to keep it from happening, and expecting the worst and preparing with a lecture beforehand was her way of doing it.

So I learned to see girls as judgmental, and guys as trustworthy. I see that I hesitate even to trust the women I know I can trust to actually give the advice, or encouragement, or comfort that I seek. It's extremely hard for me to trust a female with confidential information -- struggles I'm going through, afraid that instead of advice and prayer I'm going to be condemned for even having the struggles in the first place, especially if I'm ashamed myself that I'm having the struggles. But it's also in my mind that I shouldn't automatically go to a guy friend, either that they shouldn't have to deal with my struggles, or "it's not proper and I need close girl friends to talk to." So I have often not talked to anybody, or given in and ended up talking to the wrong person, or even in some cases, I've obeyed my "it's proper" voice and told girls stuff and got, "We don't know how to deal with this, this is awkward," and didn't get any help.


So I'm going to make an effort to trust the women I know I can trust, give advice and prayer and support and a listening ear when someone's going through a hard a time, and help them and build them back up and lead them to the Lord when they've gone and done the wrong thing anyway, and refrain from condemning them and pushing them away.

And without much a-do we will all muddle through without *you*

Ashley and I finally managed to go yard-saling today, and by golly it was a good day to go. I found driving gloves that seem like they'll actually keep my hands warm while I'm driving in the middle of winter, we both each found a shirt we like, and I got a blue office chair ( :-) ) and a small bench press complete with bar and 110 lbs. worth of weights (for $5 !).

And that's where the story lies. The $5 bench press set. So Ashley and I set out at 9:20 this morning, Ashley hopped in my car with our coffee, and we headed off to the first destination right down the block. We got out and walked over, and go figure, I didn't see it right away (only I could miss a bench press!) 'cause I was looking to see if the box labeled "maternity clothes" had anything Rebekah might like. I can't remember who noticed the bench press first. I think Ashley pointed it out to me. But anyway, I was like, " '$10 for all' ?!" and started wondering if I could get Mom to buy it, because both C.J. and I would use it, and ye don't exactly see that every day. So I was like, "Well, I'll think about it. Let's keep looking." So we went around to a few more yard sales, I called Mom and she didn't get that she should be the one buying it -- she thought I was calling to ask if I could. *shakes head* So oblivious. I was like, well, if I buy it, when I move out I can take it with me. So after a few more yard sales, Ashley and I stopped by my house to put some stuff in my car in the house so the bench press would fit in the back of my car, and headed back to the yard sale for it.

When we walked up Ashley said, "Marie, look!" pointing at the set. The "$10" had been crossed out and replaced with "$5" for the entire thing! I thought about giving the seller $10 anyway, because it was still cheap, and the only reason they marked it down was because they thought they wouldn't get rid of it for $10 (because it isn't a pretty thing at all). But when she walked up I kinda forgot about that notion, oops. So I got a bench press, bar & and weights for only $5.

'Twas a good day for yard-saling today.

Also, last night I decided I was trying too hard when it came to my singing parts on the CD, and redid many of the already done songs, and I think I'll ask Joe to do the harmony on most of them. Considering the time frame Mrs. Trefzger would like it get done in, it would be easier that way as opposed to him teaching me all the harmony. So I believe the CD is now almost half-way done. Phew. And I'm thinking in a British accent (My Fair Lady is what we yard-saled to today). Random. Golly I'm strange. *grins* But you love me anyway ;-D

How can I keep from singing?

My life goes on in an endless song
Above life's lamentations
I hear that real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation

Through the tumult and the strife
I hear that music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul,
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth it liveth,
And though the darkness round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging
Since love is Lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble in their fear
And hear their death knell ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?

In prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?

Praise be to God

So, thank you to all of you who checked in on Nicholas and our family. For those of you who don't know yet, Nicholas is fine, apparently he was at his Blacksburg home (he lives off of campus), so he wasn't even around the danger to begin with.

So far I know of no one whom I personally know who isn't ok, but somewhere out there some family/friend/special friend wasn't quite so graced. Please remember to be in prayer for those people.

She's got everything I have to live without

Those lyrics really have nothing whatsoever to do with this entry.

So, today Joe and I made an angelic choir out of me with The Old Rugged Cross. It's pretty darn cool! And Principessa wouldn't stop reaffirming that it was beautiful. It was, "Just how I thought it would be." and "It sounds like angels!" is what she said. Joe said maybe it could be, that sometimes the angels sing along when we're praising God -- he has heard them! And later on when we had finished and I was walking around she came along side of me and said emphatically, "You're really beautiful!" Why, I turned right around and grabbed that girl up in a big bear hug! I couldn't hug her tight enough! I don't know what brought on all those comments, it wasn't the first time she'd seen me or anything. And the message one person from my Bible study sent me just a couple days ago... I think it was all from God. He knew I was going through a kind of hard time, and He wanted to make sure I knew He hadn't forgotten me, in fact still loved me just as much as always. God is the greatest lover a girl could ask for. I stand in awe of Him. How hard He tries to tell us the very things we all want to hear! I just wish I could answer...all I can do is blush.

NORMAL friends?!

"Normal friends".

The kind of friends who ask how you're doing because they feel obligated to, not necessarily because they really want to know. The kind of friends you don't wonder how they're doing during the week unless you know of a hard time they're going through, in which case you'll think of them and say a prayer and make a mental note to ask them how they're doing in that area the next time you see them, which you may or may not remember to do. The kind of friends who run out of things to talk about and constantly find themselves laughing nervously, shuffling feet, staring at the ground or pretending that they're looking for someone else they know because of awkward silence.

Piece of cake, right? I mean, we were only going out for two months during which we were only there for each other on every occasion that arose, we only called and texted each other every day and hung out almost every day. SURE I CAN GO BACK TO HARDLY NOTICING HE'S THERE. NO PROBLEM!

If you couldn't tell, there was not a single word written up there that wasn't written sarcastically.
The whole paragraph should scream to you BS! or whatever word or acronym you'd use to say, "Whatever Marie, you're lying through your teeth!"

The whole situation almost worse than stinks. I mean, I'll do my very best to pretend that nothing happened between us and I don't care if he's there or not because that's what he thinks is best, but this mission is hell on earth for someone like me, and that's almost an understatement.

So if I ever tell you I wish I'd never gone out with him, understand that what I actually mean is that I want to know how he's doing, he's going through a hard time and I want but can't be there for him, or I wish that I still had him to talk to when I'm going through a hard time or having a hard day, and all I need is an "Awe", a hug, and a joke or reminder that I really am glad I got to know him and I learned a lot. And maybe a listening ear if it's the latter situation of just needing someone to be there for me.

A Girl and her Friend's Dog and Their Misadventures in the World

Taking care of and training a pre-air forcee owned large black lab is hard.

Yeah Ani, that would be yours :-).

Boy does it take persistance! But I was finally winning! Woohoo! I mean, he's a stubborn dog so I still have to remind him of what I expect of him when I say, "Ned, heel!" especially on our way from the house on a walk/run when he is the least tired. 'Cause at that time Ned wants to run full-speed, and I can't run as fast as he can, nor for as long, so it's a real trial getting him to stay next to me. But since I've been doing the best I know how with keeping him behind or next to me on a wun (walk/run, I know pathetic but hey...), he has been better behaved in general. And I think he realizes now that if he doesn't listen to me he doesn't get a treat, and he sure doesn't like that! I made sure to give him a good rub behind the ears today because he'd behaved the best so far! I didn't even need to keep tugging on his lead the whole way there and back!

And I think that's it for now. I'm hoping to be able to go to the Conversations play tonight at church, I hope my fellow work-people will ok that...