Hindsight

I've been reading a book called Captivating, which is basically the women's equivalent to Wild at Heart, and written by the same guy and his wife. Chapter four is called "Wounded" and it's compares the kind of childhood every girl wants, and the many ways most childhoods actually turn out. It gave examples of abusive fathers, passive fathers, and hurtful and passive mothers. Most of the examples were "extreme", and I thought back to my childhood and the mess I'd become at one point, and I thought, I can see how a girl would be deeply scarred from those incidences, but what in the world did I see during my childhood that made me think the way I did? And I thought about how I relate to other guys and girls. I thought about how I have the tendency to want to go to my guy friends to talk or get advice from them over my female friends, and I wondered if that tendency had something to do with my childhood in any way. But I didn't have a horrible childhood. My parents made mistakes like every other parent does, and I know that unfortunately I'll make mistakes too. I know that both my parents love me and want what's best for me. I know my parents love each other as well. In my hesitations to talk to my mom about something I would often not even talk to my dad if I figured he would tell me to talk to my mom about it anyway. They are a team, you can't have one without the other.

What did I always want from her, and why didn't I trust to get it from her? I wanted advice and for her to be proud of me. But I knew that instead of advice I'd get either a lecture or she'd force a decision on me and be disappointed if I made the opposite decision (and sometimes the decision didn't matter and I just needed to make one). Instead of praise I'd get, "Good but you need to keep it up," or a lecture. On the other hand, I knew that if I went to my dad for advice or encouragement, that's exactly what I'd get. I mean, he disciplined me, too when it needed to be done, and I get my short temper from him :-), and he gave lectures as well -- but when I actually did something wrong, not in the anticipation that I would do something wrong. I know my mom reacted the way she thought was best -- I know she wanted to raise her daughters in the way they should go, and I know she wanted a relationship with us girls. But I always felt like she expected me to mess up -- in every situation. Like I couldn't and/or wouldn't ever make the right decision. She put no trust in us. I think her distrust is probably founded in how she grew up. One, because she and her mom have very similar personalities, and I wouldn't be surprised if her mother related to her in much the same way as she relates to us; two, she probably made decisions she wished she hadn't and that she really doesn't want her own daughters to make; three, she probably saw bad decisions that her friends and others around her made and didn't want us to make them, too. So she wanted to do everything in her power to keep it from happening, and expecting the worst and preparing with a lecture beforehand was her way of doing it.

So I learned to see girls as judgmental, and guys as trustworthy. I see that I hesitate even to trust the women I know I can trust to actually give the advice, or encouragement, or comfort that I seek. It's extremely hard for me to trust a female with confidential information -- struggles I'm going through, afraid that instead of advice and prayer I'm going to be condemned for even having the struggles in the first place, especially if I'm ashamed myself that I'm having the struggles. But it's also in my mind that I shouldn't automatically go to a guy friend, either that they shouldn't have to deal with my struggles, or "it's not proper and I need close girl friends to talk to." So I have often not talked to anybody, or given in and ended up talking to the wrong person, or even in some cases, I've obeyed my "it's proper" voice and told girls stuff and got, "We don't know how to deal with this, this is awkward," and didn't get any help.


So I'm going to make an effort to trust the women I know I can trust, give advice and prayer and support and a listening ear when someone's going through a hard a time, and help them and build them back up and lead them to the Lord when they've gone and done the wrong thing anyway, and refrain from condemning them and pushing them away.