Free Like an Eagle

Today was a day that I just didn't want to be alive anymore. I didn't really want to die, but I was tired of feeling, and the only way to not feel anything, is to be dead...or a sociopath, which I really hope I'm not ;-P.

Today wasn't a bad day -- in fact it was great: I didn't have to work, I met a few close friends for lunch to celebrate one friend's engagement and another friend's birthday early, and got what I call "meaningful touch". As a massage therapy student, there is no shortage of touch going on...but most of it is not meaningful. It's professional, inexperienced, and oh yeah, sometimes awkward, but because you need to diversify the types of people you work with, you can't pair up every single time with a classmate you're actually friends with. And still, even then it's professional touch when it comes to massage. What would help, of course, is reaching out more myself, I definitely need to do more of that. Then, on top of all that exciting stuff, I am really enjoying my last module of massage therapy school -- it is absolutely fascinating, it's applicable, and it's new compared to what we've been learning and practicing for the last seven months. So all-around, today was a GREAT day!

There are just those days though, when I just get tired of feeling anything. Annoyed, if you will. Just the constant up-and-down that comes with living and being human...I just sometimes get to that point when I don't want to do it anymore. And lately there has a been A LOT of fluctuation in emotions, complete with soaring highs and then plummeting lows, and my heart is tired of adapting to all the changes.

This is why God created and prescribed meditation. I found a quiet place in a hallway during dinner break (which everybody calls "lunch" at school, even though it's 7:30 at night), sat down, and focused on breathing and praying. What I need to add into that, is listening. Gotta say, that's hard for two reasons:

1. I doubt whether what I'm hearing is actually God, or me
2. I'm kind of afraid of what He might say. I'm a coward at heart, and the only thing that makes me at all brave is the Holy Spirit. But I have a hard time surrendering to the Holy Spirit. It's WAY too easy to keep control (or what I think is control)!

But the Bible says that God still speaks, and He still works, and His word still cuts. And concerning no longer wanting to feel...the Bible says, "Yet those who wait on the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." (Isaiah 40:31). My strength, real strength, is not my own. It is the Lord's, and He has an endless supply. Hebrews also quotes that those who trust in the Lord shall enter His rest -- the same rest that He "entered" on the 7th day of creation. And someone pointed out to me not too long ago, that while days 1-6 all had "and there was morning and there was evening, the 1st day...2nd day...etc," the 7th day doesn't. It just says, "And the 7th day God rested." He was finished. Every day after that was just living in His rest. There was no end to it, until sin entered the world when Adam and Eve disobeyed the Lord -- broke the bond they had with Him. And yet through the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, we can have eternal life again -- we can enter that rest again! He paid the price (death -- "a life for a life, my debt is repaid..." -Captain Li Shang, Mulan) for what Adam and Eve had done, as well as everything I have done and will do, and everything that you have done and will do. And whoever believes in this will have eternal life.

It's late, and I should sleep, but I go to bed renewed today. Renewed through the strength of my God and Savior, Who gives freely to all who ask and believe in Jesus' name.