Stubborn or Trusting?

Times are hard right now. Nothin' like a few financial struggles to make you realize Who's in control here. I saw a couple of rent checks on the refrigerator a couple hours ago, which reminded me: Oh yeah, rent is due. So I grabbed my checkbook and went downstairs to see the damage in my accounts. Yeah. It's up to God if He wants me to stay here -- if our landlord is gracious and can wait for my next pay check to be deposited, he'll get his rent. However, thus far I'm already behind on setting aside money for taxes, and I'll have to tap into that money for this month's rent, not to mention that e-mail in my inbox telling me my cell phone bill is ready to be paid. Next to come will be my credit card bill.

I keep worrying that I've just been stubborn up to this point, refusing to move back in with my parents and find a temporary home for my cat, Happy. I mean, first of all, I can't even tell you how much I don't want to have to pack everything up and get out of here so someone else can move in -- might I mention how most of the furniture would have to be taken apart in order for this to happen? Second of all, it's gotten to the point where I'm just in the way at my parents' house. Visiting is great, and my mom keeps hinting that she wants me to come back home. But between moving back from Lancaster and moving into the Deerpath Damsels' house, I was "a distraction" for my siblings who needed to do their school work, and my stuff was "spreading out". My room at my parents' is in the basement -- would you want to spend all your time down there? Me neither, but that's the only way all my stuff would stay down there as well. Needless to say, this a last resort option. I love my family, but I hate being in the way.

But anyway, after whining about how I really don't want to move back in with my parents, I realized what I was doing and told God, "I will praise You anyway. Even if Your plan is for me to move back in with my parents, I will praise You." And then I prayed for a sign about what I should do. So far nothing, but when I then went out and cleaned my car, I found several random items on my car floor about not worrying about tomorrow, or what I should eat, drink, or wear. 

The first thing I found, was a little "PASS IT ON Message Card". It said:

WORRY:  |    PRAYER:

BAD     |    GOOD

Got it?

And then it lists the verse, Philippians 4:6: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God." 

"...with thanksgiving..."

I remember the prayer and supplication parts very well. But I often forget to thank Him, regardless of how it turns out. Because regardless of how it turns out, for some reason, it's His will, and part of His reasoning is: because He loves me. If He wants me move back in with my parents, it's because He loves me. If He wishes me to stay, then He will provide the means to do so, and it will be because He loves me. 

The second thing was another "PASS IT ON Message Card". It said this:

"I was regretting the past and fearing the future.

Suddenly my Lord was speaking:

'My name is I am.' He paused.

I waited. He continued.

'When you live in the past with its mistakes and regrets,

it is hard. I am not there.

My name is not I WAS.

When you live in the future,

with its problems and fears,

it is hard. I am not there.

My name is not I WILL BE.

When you live in this moment,

it is not hard, I am here.

My name is I AM.' "

-Helen Mallicoat

Lastly, there was an old Notes page and at the bottom it says: How can we make prayer a bigger part of our lives?

Hm....by lacking necessary finances maybe? 

I have no idea how this next month is going to pan out. I start a third job (supposedly) at the end of this month or sometime next month, and I know it will be a hard transition -- possibly harder than I'm currently anticipating. Not only will it be hard because working in a coffee shop is something I've never done before, but for the first couple of weeks or so (until I get the hang of things and can pull my own weight), I will be making minimum wage plus tips, and the coffee shop will take most of my hours, so I can't exactly make up for the low rate with more hours at Curves (not to mention Curves doesn't pay well itself). But I know that God's will shall be done, and it will be because He loves me. I can always praise Him for that.