Broken Dam

Lord, I'm amazed by You

Lord, I'm amazed by You

Lord, I'm amazed by You

And how You love me

Twice this has happened so far. I put off getting groceries or things just keep coming up so that I don't get a chance to go until I'm near out of anything at all to eat, and I agonize over it and pray with a broken heart that I'm worried about food, worried about money, and wondering how and when God would provide, just to be provided for. Until now, I've had the money.

The first time, I can't remember why my grocery trip kept getting postponed, but I remember that I finally had a chance to go on a Tuesday, and then my brother C.J. called me. "You know how you always come over but we're either not here or we're busy?" he said. "Well, I'm here, and Devin has a cold so Mom didn't go to teach her class like she usually does, and Devin wants to play Settlers."

How could I pass up this opportunity to hang out with my siblings? Between their busy schedules and my sporadic hours at my current part time job, it had been a long time since I'd had much time with them. So I wound up going over to my parents' house and played with my siblings until Connect, the young adults' group I attend on Tuesday nights, and never had an opportunity to go shopping. Crazy how God works.

At the end of Connect, someone presented me with two gift cards: one for gas, and one for groceries. The person said they'd had them when we'd hung out that past Saturday, but just hadn't given them to me for some reason. And God managed to keep me from grocery shopping for 3 days so I'd have that gift card to use when I finally went. The next day I managed to get to the store.

This time, one of my roommates blessed me. I don't know which one, but I figure that's how she wants it.

A few days ago, the worries of "If I need to move out, I need to tell them in time for them to find a new roommate, I need food, and all I have is my credit card that I might not be able to pay off next month," just overwhelmed me. I also had to give up my personalized plates and pay registration for the second time when I finally got my car title in my name, and I just felt like a complete failure. After these last few years of working and the last year-and-a-half of being out of the house, apparently I still need Mommy and Daddy to come rescue me; I want so badly not to move out and wondered if I was just being stubborn and irresponsible by not just declaring that I would be moving out next month so they could find a better roommate. Maybe one that cleans more and spreads out less.

All that to say, the dam I had built up was not high enough, and I just broke down sobbing in my car as I entered our neighborhood and pulled up to the house, telling God how much of a failure I felt I was. I carried my stuff inside, the house was quiet as Bones was on at the time, and in the hopes that I might still be able to regain composure by the time I saw anybody, I sat down on the stairs and cried as quietly as I could.

But, "as luck (aka God) would have it," my roommate, Aviel, got up during commercials to move laundry over and then headed to the stairs which led up to her bedroom. She asked what was wrong, and then a few seconds later, promptly turned and left. I thought maybe I'd taken too long to answer and she thought I was ignoring her, but then our roommate, Micaela, came over, Aviel close behind her. Micaela asked if I needed a hug, and I just nodded, so she sat down beside me and put her arm around my shoulders. Eventually I told them what I'd just told God, about how I needed a job and didn't know if I'd find one in time and I felt like I was nothing but a failure.

To my surprise, they didn't ask if they needed to start looking for a new roommate, and they didn't just nod their heads. They started asking about the jobs I was waiting to hear back from, asked what I was looking for, and made some suggestions of where I should look.

I can't remember why I didn't go grocery shopping on Friday. Saturday, not only were both my meals provided (a late and big breakfast, and a spaghetti dinner with the 3 friends I hiked with that day), but I went on a hike and then wanted nothing more than to shower and relax in the house. Sunday, I left bright and early for UVA for a friend's graduation. I meant to pack a lunch, because I was worried about paying for one meal -- I didn't want to worry about paying for two! But lo and behold, it never even crossed my mind that morning -- I completely forgot! I ate breakfast at home, but was dreading the thought of paying for two meals down there. Then my other roommate, Angela, had a box of peanut butter crackers that she'd brought to share, and that tided me over until we were back at our friend Samantha's dorm room, where a few snacks were provided.

Dinner time rolled around, and I debated whether I should skip it or not. I told myself I had to eat something, or get something for later when I was actually hungry, either way, I needed to buy some food. When I finally got in line, I ordered, and was standing there waiting for my turn to pay, my friend Martin just ahead of me. The cashier rang up his order, and then pointed to my burrito and asked if that was part of his order as well. Martin paused and asked if it was mine, I told the cashier it was mine, still intending to pay for it, but then Martin said, "Yeah, I'll pay for that, too."

I was dumbfounded! Not so much because a friend had volunteered to pay for my meal, but because I just hadn't expected it, you know?

So this morning, I finally made my grocery list, and prepared to go shopping, wondering if I could keep it close to $20. I doubted it. I decided I would stop by Safeway, which I passed first, to see what deals they had going on for Cliff bars, blocks of cheese, bread, and bagels, and then I would go to Wegmans for everything I didn't get there. I remembered to check the Cliff bars and cheese, got a few Cliff bars, the cheese wasn't on sale so I didn't get that, and completely forgot to check the other two. Mentally, I kicked myself for forgetting, but figured, "Oh well, don't want to get out of line, so it's too late now. I'm sure Wegmans isn't much more expensive, if it is at all, for bread and bagels."

When I went to get my credit card to pay, I noticed a reddish-orange thing with my wallet. Currious, I pulled it out, thinking, "I don't remember sticking one of my gift cards there...." Then I realized that it said "Wegmans" on the front. I froze. This wasn't one of the gift cards I'd had already (the other one had been for Safeway), and to my recollection, it hadn't been there yesterday. I paid for the Cliff bars and booked it out to my car so I could examine it more closely. It was indeed a new gift card, with $25 on it. Not only was there a gift card, but also folded up with the gift card, were two coupons for Wegmans: one for a free 4-pack of snack-sized fruit bowls, and the other for a free 8 oz. block of cheese. I sat there and cried, humbled again at God's provision.

Guess what my bill at Wegmans came to after applying the gift card? $19.22.