The Jaded Can't Forgive....So Soften My Heart, Lord

I want to paint my face

And pretend that I am someone else

Sometimes I get so fed up

I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don't want you to think that I'm complaining all the time

And I hate the way you look at me I have to say

I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart

I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start

And you might think it's easy being me

You just stand still, look pretty

-Stand Still, Look Pretty by The Wreckers

This is how I feel sometimes. My life is so normal that I've no right to hurt, so it stays bottled up inside, and gets worse, even, because I add to the hurt by telling myself I'm being ridiculous for feeling anything less than happy. 

Women look at me, and despise me. If they're unhappy with themselves, that is, which is most. I work at a Curves, which is a gym for women only, and probably about 80% (or more) are over the age of 40, mothers, and most of them struggle with their weight -- either getting it down, or keeping it down. So any time I work a shift, I usually hear, "This is what you have to look forward to," "Look at you, you're so skinny," "You're what, just out of high school?" "I used to be that slender," and just the other night one woman joked to me, "You know, it's against all of God's laws to be as skinny as you are." Thankfully, I've read every law in God's Good Book, and not a-one of them has anything against being slender (unless you can be a glutton and slender, but then the sin is still gluttony, not slenderness). I want to say, "I don't have any more time to be this age than you did -- let me be young. And I'm a trainer -- shouldn't I be in shape? The fact that I am should give you more hope that I can help you, if you'd let me." But I've tried that, and only some reluctantly agree.

I also went to a 6 month trade school for personal training instead of going to college, so I was done with school and working "in the real world" before most everyone else my age. Because of this, the majority of my close friends now are 6-10 years older than me, and many of them are single (although recently that has been changing fast). So when it's hard for me to be unmarried and single, I can't say so, because I get a host of, "Marie, you're so young still, most people don't get married until close to or after 30 these days anyway -- you've got plenty of time!" I know I have "plenty of time" (assuming I die of old age), and honestly, it's that ridicule that makes me the most unsatisfied. For the most part, I'm fine with being unmarried, even single...it just gets hard sometimes. I don't want to be 25 years older than my first kid, and I refuse to jump the gun and do things out of order (and thanks to God that I've been able to stick to that).

We live in a world that tries to make people feel better by saying things like that: "Hey, it could be worse!" or "Girl, you're 6+ years younger than I am, and I'm still single -- stop being lonely for another 6+ years!" (no, that's not a direct quote)...and other stuff like that. As if I'm not allowed to be human until I reach a quota of age+hardships (which changes depending on the person and what they've gone through). We live in a world that is bitter and jaded, and in our selfishness we take it out on other people, and give every excuse as to why we should waive other's cares away as nothing. It's almost easier to be single (maybe this is what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 7), because I'm not as likely to be blamed for everything bad that's ever happened to someone else if they haven't really gotten over it.

Those people and friends -- they're right, to a large extent: I've no right to complain, nor do I need (nor should I require) their pity or attention. But they're wrong to assume that my cares, though small they may seem, do need to be dealt with -- I need prayer. Satan attacks me just as he does anyone else. By telling me I'm stupid for ever being upset. By telling me I'm a horrible person for weighing less than someone else. By telling me I just shouldn't be lonely, and that's that. By telling me I need to mess up more because I'm making everyone else feel bad by keeping "the rules" (which I still can't seem to keep).

I need prayer; that when I'm hurt, I'll turn to God for healing; that when I'm lonely I'll seek after God to fulfill me; that when I'm lacking I'll depend on God to provide for all my needs, as He has promised (Matt. 6:25-34).

" 'Come to Me,

all you who labor and are heavy-laden

and I shall give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For My yoke is easy

and My burden is light.' "

~Matthew 11:28-30~

And I know there are others like me out there. To all you who are like me, my prayers go out to you -- as well as to those who have had more trials than someone like me has. All of you remember this: "In this world you will have tribulation (trials/hardships), but be of good cheer (take heart), for [Jesus] has overcome the world." (John 16:33). If you're saved by grace (by believing in Jesus), then these trials are but for a moment, and no matter how bad they are, the pain will end, the sorrow will end, and they shall be replaced with joy and happiness in the presence of our Lord. If you're not, then these trials are nothing compared to what Hell has to offer -- which is why Jesus came: so you wouldn't have to know worse than what you go through here on Earth. Jesus is beckoning you to come to Him and join Him in Heaven: will you answer the call? 

God, I get so frustrated sometimes
When I am the diss of so many women

When their compliments to me

Swing back as insults on their own beauty

I try to reach out, but all they think is

"She doesn't understand"

Is this body all there is to me?

Isn't there more to me than what meets the eye?

Didn't You make me someone amazing inside?

Tell me there's more than just this beauty

Beauty that only fades

More than just a pretty face

God, it's hard not to get jaded inside

When I am waved aside by everyone

Even those close to me

I'm either naive or way too sensitive,

I try to speak up, but all they think is

"There's naught to what she says"

Am I as simple as they say?

Isn't there more to me than what meets the eye?

Isn't there some truth to these feelings inside?

I know there's more pain than what I've known;

Some things I've yet been spared

But can't I still care?


God, You're the one who's told me
I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am
You're the one who's taught me
And has brought me to where I stand
But still hard for people to see sometimes
That I'm not that blind


Isn't there more to me than what meets the eye?
Didn't You make me someone capable inside?
Tell me there's more than just this innocence
Someone who understands
With wisdom given from Your hands


You say there's more than just this beauty
Beauty that only fades
More than just a pretty face