Shine On

Today marks another one of those days, when the biggest decisions I have to make are: What am I going to wear today? Am I going to do my grocery shopping today? Should I have another cup of coffee later? and Will I actually get around to cleaning the house today?

The house certainly needs a good cleaning! The foyer, living room, basement hallway and storage room need vacuuming (the storage room because that's where my cat's stuff is); the kitchen and the bathrooms on the main level and in the basement need to be swept and mopped; most surfaces could use to be dusted; and my laundry needs to be put away, and I should really get around to emptying all or most of the boxes from my move so I can collapse the boxes and perhaps use the weights in the storage room for the remainder of my time living here. Yeah, I am so not motivated. Organizing frustrates me, because it seems to be an insurmountable mound and I'm not organized and creative enough to figure out a place to put everything, and with cleaning, I worry that all the dust will make my sinuses clog up and I'll be miserable for the next few days. A dust mask helps a little bit, but the dust lingers in the air long after the cleaning is actually done.

The ironic thing is: I know that if I just get started, it won't be as bad as I anticipate, and I will feel immensely better knowing that I have finally not wasted a day at home. But I feel like there are two halves of me that just aren't connecting, almost like multiple personalities, you know what I mean? There is the Procrastinator, who would rather sit around and write or read or draw but can't stick to either long enough to finish anything, and who looks at things like chores, or exercising at home alone, or following up on leads that could be bringing in some income and thinks, "Man, that's gonna take a lot of energy!" The one that puts things off "until I feel like it." The one that says, "There's too much to do! How am I ever going to choose between them? Where do I even start?" And then there's the Nike Slave-Driver, who says, "Think of all the things you would accomplish if you would just do it!" The one that dreams big, and has a whole list of things to do; the one that's hogging all the energy and excitement; the one that wants to play guitar and piano well enough to improvise and write music, draw portraits with accurate detail and emotion, be a successful business owner or help advise/manage something like my friend's drama team. The one that wants to dance, help people rebuild their lives or get back on their feet again with an intense trust in the Lord, and adopt those older children "that nobody wants"...Take a guess at which one wins most of the time? The thing about the Procrastinator is that she knows how to study God's word, and "be still and know that [He] is God," while the Slave-Driver knows how to act on the example of the ants. I need a way to healthily combine the two, although I'd say the Slave-Driver has a lot of catching up to do.

All this time, I've thought that touch and quality time were my strongest "love languages", and about...oh, 2 or 3 years ago I realized words of affirmation wasn't the lowest one on the list. For the first...19-20 years of my life (ok, I guess less than that, since the first few years I didn't have much understanding to begin with), I thought the order was something like: Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, Service, Words of Affirmation. My friends Andrew and Sue have known all along, perhaps Kilikina, as well, that this wasn't the case, but I didn't realize my error until about 2 or 3 years ago. So, for the past 2-3 years, the order changed to: Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Service.

Today I realized even that isn't correct. I'm a pleaser -- I want to please God and as many people as possible: Words of Affirmation is by far my strongest "love language." I take criticism very seriously, and a "You done good" can make my week. If I receive a pat on the back or a hug with it, my whole month might be made :-). So now, here is my current revised order: WoA, T, QT, G, S.

Wow, today's been a day of interesting revelation, woohoo!

Now, to go be productive. God, may You be glorified in all that I do and say, in Jesus' name.