Music, Tears, Prayer and Chocolate

Being at home alone so much is really taking its toll on me.

I think it wouldn't be so bad if I weren't thinking about saving the gas in my car and could drive out and either sit in a coffee shop sipping coffee or go where I can hang out with friends or family.

I was abnormally devastated when Connect, my church's young adult group, was cancelled due to possible bad driving weather. To think that two years ago (since last year was spent in PA), I sometimes looked forward to a night off. That doesn't usually happen anymore, since I'm alone most hours/days of the week due to my random and undependable work schedule. I just want to be around people, not even necessarily social, just around. I'm used to there always being someone around, at least in the evenings, and I'm used to a lot more noise, coming from a family of 10.

So many joys and dreams....just gone. Like a garden that's seen no rain in a year. Only evidence that there once was a garden in that spot. Sing, where? I can barely play any guitar, and I don't have any musicians with a dream to team up with me. I'm tired of entertaining dishes, of serenading a house empty of all but me and my cat. Write? Yeah, never could be consistent with that one. It also gets frustrating when I can't finish anything except poems and songs, sometimes even those go barely titled, much less finished. I always lose focus or interest, or direction.

Sure, I could go to college. To what end? To do what? Spend my and my parents' money (if they'd even help out at this point) hoping I can figure out what I want to study? And then what? I've no plan, no dream. I used to, not sure what happened to those...I can't even remember really what they were or why I wanted them to come true.

So, why do I feel this way? Because I'm not contributing to anybody's life; I'm barely scraping by financially -- I love treating people to meals, or coffee, or gifts, and I am completely unable to do so at this time. I love being a part of peoples' lives, and that doesn't happen when you're home alone all the time. I'm losing relationships, not building them. For a while I couldn't listen to music because my laptop insisted that I had no audio devices on my computer, which was not true in the least, and I can't seem to make it to the gym more than once a week. That kills.

All that to say, I know it'll get better. It's just taking longer than I'd hoped or planned. So I'll sip my hot chocolate to "Bad Goodbye" and "That Kind of Girl", cry because I hurt, knowing I'll heal, and pray because "life can be lived, life can be loved, alone."