My God is Greater: The Depth, Weight, and Importance of the Marriage Vows

Holy Spirit, speak to and through me, that I may impart wisdom and grace to the readers. These are hard things to comprehend or to come to terms with, but we want to understand, in Jesus' name. Amen (let it be).


One day, a woman found bruises on one of her young daughters, and found out that her husband had strapped the girl to her bed and beaten her. The mother promptly packed up and left with her daughters, and divorced her husband for what he had done. To this day, that girl struggles with guilt, both about being beaten, and about the divorce, and she asked me one time what the Bible says about abuse and divorce.


I don't know of a single divorce that hasn't left scars on everyone involved, especially when there are children. I also haven't heard of a single victim of abuse that didn't originally believe they deserved that treatment. It is also common, although I don't know if it's as common, for a child to believe it's their fault their parents got divorced, and are ashamed of themselves for this. The adults often (if not always) leave hurt, bitter, angry, and jaded.


No wonder God has such a problem with divorce! It tears His children apart and leaves so many people broken and bleeding, and this pains Him.

" 'For the LORD God of Israel says

That He hates divorce,

For it covers one's garment with violence,'

Says the LORD of hosts..."

-Malachi 2:16 (first half)

This is the verse a friend pointed out to me when I told him what kind of verses I was looking for. I didn't remember this verse, but I knew the New Testament reiterates this same point. Sadly, I asked, "But what is someone supposed to do in this case, then?" My friend nodded and stared at the table between us for a moment. I answered my own question, "Just leave, but don't divorce, I guess." Again my friend nodded.

This brings a few questions to mind:

• Does that mean God hates anyone who's ever divorced someone?
• How can you say it's wrong when the husband beat up his own kid?
• Does God justify what the husband did?
• What about infidelity, does God require you to stay with a cheating spouse?
• Who does He think we are, super-human?

So, with the particular example I shared at the beginning, by now you're wondering how God can say that this woman did wrong by divorcing her husband -- she was protecting her children from a wicked man! And you're probably feeling the flare-up of indignation. Let me say this: first of all, this entry is not going to analyze and or focus on this particular scenario, and secondly, God understands. He understands what she was feeling, He understands her actions, He understands that no one, including her, can do this without Him. I can't say I wouldn't do exactly the same thing -- I know I'd want to!

You see, we think God is cruel for expecting such a thing of us -- to remain hitched to someone who is abusive, neglectful, or a cheater, because we don't understand the depth, weight, and importance of the marriage vows. We've grown up in a society that doesn't see the vows as vows, but as a ritual that makes you feel happy at the time you take part in it. We also don't go into marriage thinking, "He's going to cheat on me." or "He's going to abuse me and/or our children." We don't go into marriage thinking we'll have to deal with any of those -- we certainly don't intend for any of those to happen! But that is for another entry.

For now, I will simply answer the original question: What does the Bible say about divorce? This is where I give you a bit of the context of that first verse I shared, as well as the remaining half.

"And this is the second thing you do:

You cover the altar of the LORD with tears,

With weeping and crying;

So He does not regard the offering anymore,

Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.

Yet you say, 'For what reason?'

Because the LORD has been witness

Between you and the wife of your youth,

With whom you have dealt treacherously;

Yet she is your companion

And your wife by covenant.

But did He not make them one,

Having a remnant of the Spirit?

And why one?

He seeks godly offspring.

Therefore take heed to your spirit,

And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.

'For the LORD God of Israel says

That He hates divorce,

For it covers one's garment with violence,'

Says the LORD of hosts.

'Therefore take heed to your spirit,

That you do not deal treacherously.' "

~Malachi 2:13-16~

What is this treachery it speaks of? Making promises to someone, and breaking them. These days we break promises like nobody's business, and most of the time consider it no big deal. In the New Testament, Jesus even goes so far as to say, "Let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No,' 'No." (Matthew 5:37). So when you take that into account, now how many promises have you broken in a day? 

The Bible says it is better not to make a vow than to make a vow and break it. But thankfully, He knows our state, that we are weak, and only human. And even when we break our vows, our promises, our word, God does not break His....ever.

"When we are faithless,

He remains faithful;

He cannot deny Himself."

~2 Timothy 2:13~

"But I say to you

that whoever divorces his wife

for any reason other than

sexual immorality

causes her to commit adultery,

and whoever marries a woman who is

divorced commits adultery."

~Matthew 5:32/Matthew 19:9/Luke 21:7~

1 Corinthians 7:10-16; Do not divorce your husband/wife, even if they aren't a believer; but if they choose to leave you, let them leave, you are not "held under bondage in such a case." But if you divorce, remain unmarried or be reconciled to your spouse.


This is why it is so important to know exactly what you're promising at the altar when you become a person's spouse. God meant marriage to be for life. Not only because it glorifies Him, but because it is devastatingly destructive to yourself, the other person, and any other people (especially children) who are involved if the marriage doesn't last. And by "last", a marriage where the two are constantly fighting, cheating, and/or ignoring each other and/or their children is not a "lasting marriage". I think divorce really starts before judges, lawyers or legal documents ever come into play. It starts when one or both persons "leave" their spouse emotionally or spiritually. That, too, needs healing and reconciliation.


A friend relayed a story about a woman she'd met on an airplane, who had been married to a man for about 17 years, and they had dated for about 4-7 years before that (I'm a little hazy on the numbers). My friend asked the woman, "Wow, so when did you start thinking that you shouldn't have married him?" And the woman answered, "Oh, I always knew. The signs were there, but after 2 years of dating, it was just easier to stay together, and then it seemed the natural thing to do to get married." How many things have you done out of a fear of something? We lie out of fear. We follow the dream our parents dreamed for us because we're afraid to hurt their feelings or stand up to them. We'll give sex, words (like I love you), or excessive amounts of our time out of fear. We'll take abuse or blame out of fear. We'll date or marry because it's easier than breaking each other's or our friends' hearts by breaking up; or because we're afraid this is the best we can do, it's this person or nothing at all.

"The wise man foresees trouble
And hides himself,

But the simple pass on

And are punished."

-Proverbs

But there are also the times, where we just don't see the signs. We enter a marriage, fully intent on it lasting forever, and we're head over heals in love. And then the person turns into a monster, or just becomes a person we had never seen before.


So, what then?


Well, first of all, honestly seek what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell you about a person. God isn't going to hide who the person is from you. Sometimes the signs are little details that you don't catch, but your subconscious sees them and in turn, gives you an unsettled or apprehensive feeling. Sometimes He just gives you a feeling. But He's not going to lie to you about a person. Jeremiah 29:11 says that He has plans to prosper you, not to harm you. 


So take heed, you who are still single: don't take the marriage vows lightly. Ask the Lord to reveal a person's true character to you, and whether He intends for you to marry them. And listen, even if you're engaged and standing at the altar -- don't make the vows if you think God is telling you not to -- better to say, "I'm sorry, I'm just not sure this is what God wants," and reschedule it to a later date if you eventually believe that it really is God's desire for you two to marry, than to marry and find out that unsettled feeling was legit.


For married couples: pray. Pray, pray, pray -- and ask others to pray as well. Many stories I have heard about God changing the heart of a spouse and restoring a marriage. Usually, it takes years. Ask God for wisdom as to any actions you need to take, such as protecting your children. Pray. Tell God you want to honor Him and the vows you made, and then tell Him what's going on. Pray, pray, pray. Does the person's heart always change eventually? No. I heard one story of a woman who was married to mean man -- if I recall correctly, he was verbally abusive and a drunkard. He may have also been physically abusive, but I can't remember. Anyway, she and a close woman friend of hers prayed for something like 30 days straight that God would end the abuse. They thought God would change the man's heart. The prayers only stopped when one day the woman returned home to find her husband dead in his easy chair. 

" 'Vengeance is Mine,' Says the Lord.' "

God cares. He's not some unfeeling robot that just divvies out orders or outcomes. He wants all marriages to resemble the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. But we need to trust Him. We need to believe Him. We need to know Him, and listen to Him. My God is a redeeming God: regardless of the circumstances or decisions made, He has a way of redeeming any situation. And by "redeem", I mean He'll pour out such blessing upon you when you decide to trust Him, that you won't be able to tell that a mistake was ever made, nor how the outcome could have been any better had you never made the mistake in the first place!

" 'They say, "If a man divorces his wife,

And she goes from him

And becomes another man's,

May he return to her again?"

Would not that land be greatly polluted?

But you have played the harlot with many lovers;

Yet return to Me,' says the Lord."

~Jeremiah 3:1~

There is hope for us yet!