If I Should Count Them

Times are hard, and rends are had

What can a working girl do?

But struggle through another day

And I'll take of you

Nights are long, and dreams are cold

If they're all you wake up to

But should you rise with crying eyes

Then, I'll take of you

~ <> ~

I heard someone say on the radio today, "You cannot be truly effective for the Lord until you have been broken." 

I am starting to notice, more and more, the ways that my times of greatest pain, testing, and hardship are being used in my life today.

1. Enduring depression and clinging to God as my only hope in high school; when all those closest to me had been stripped away, and the rest of my existing world seemed to be plotting my demise, God prepared me partially for my job at the chiropractor's office, and partially for moving to Pennsylvania where I only knew my roommate (and the reason I moved up there for a year in the first place).

2. Going to school at the National Personal Training Institute taught me that I wasn't stupid, I just didn't learn the way my parents thought I should.

3. My job at Bloomingdales taught me that I can learn knew things well, and how respond to "difficult people".

4. My job at the chiropractor's office taught me a lot of things. A) How to successfully and confidently talk on the phone, which prepared me for my current part-time job at Curves; B) How to multi-task; C) How to respond graciously and patiently when someone interrupted me at work; D) Better how to deal with "difficult people"; E) How to "fake it 'til ya make it" in many cases, although I hold to the belief that faking it is not always the best action to take, because eventually people catch on, and then you just look like a fool.

5. My move to Pennsylvania taught me how to be proactive in making new friends and acquaintances, that it's a bad idea to live with your employer, especially if they also expect comradeship, and just how hard marriage can be (just from learning the trials of combining different backgrounds and expectations).

6. Moving back to Virginia has....wow...where do I start? Ever since returning, I have encountered roadblock after roadblock. I was so excited to finally be able to attend, in person, the Wednesday night Circle of Sisters gatherings, just for it to be discontinued shortly after my return. Since then I have constantly had to deal with the loneliness of having no confidante, and realized that some of the burdens I bear, I have to bear alone, because no one can really know whether I'm telling the truth or not, or if I'm just disillusioned. The only one who knows, is God. I am learning to rest and trust in God as my Provider, as I would rest and trust in a husband. If I knew that my husband had full access to anything I needed, full knowledge of what I needed and when, and loved me enough to die for me, would I waste time worrying about whether he would remember that I need to eat? Or that rent needs to be paid? Or that there are things that need repairs? Would I waste time worrying about when I would receive what I needed? No. Why? Because if my husband has access to it, I have access to it, through him. In fact, for the most part, I wouldn't even need to ask, going on the assumption that my husband trusts me with our money, I could use a debit or credit card, or check or get cash from the bank directly in order to go grocery shopping, pay the bills, or buy him a gift for his birthday. 

6 (continued). And I am learning how great is His redemptive power, how to trust Him for the words to speak, or not speak, and how to wait for His best.

The hard time seems almost constant right now. Every victory seems more closely followed by another battle than ever before. I was rejoicing about God's goodness, mercy, and redemption on my way home from lunch today, and a wave of depression hit me as I entered the house, prepared to write this entry. The whole future is one giant question mark, and although a lot of the future is the results of decisions I make today, I really have hardly any idea of where God wants to take me, what adventures lie ahead, and what blessings are in store for me if I decide to keep following Him. I have no idea how my past bad decisions will affect (effect?) my future, nor how my present decisions will steer me on or off course in the future. Honestly, I'm nervous about finding out, if I do. I cringe to think of what the consequences could be, but what they could be is not necessarily, possibly not even likely, what they will actually be, because God is so merciful; chances are, I won't even be able to tell that something did not go as it should have, because God can use anything for such goodness and blessing as I shall never understand.