Regrets

"Am I still waiting for you?"

Those words still ring in my head; every time I see a couple together; every time a friend gets in a relationship or gets married; every time a family member asks if I'm dating anyone...every time I'm reminded that the attraction I have for him, wandering though it may be, is one-sided.

Despair has been my closest friend since I forced those words to exit my mouth. It won't leave me alone, it keeps knocking at the door...whispering sweet nothings about how I should crash my car, or slash my wrists, or throw sanity to the wind and leave God's side (which I'm not about to do since he is all that ever gets me through. That, and I am His -- He will never let me go.

But I realized that I just can't let those words go. I hate myself for having said them, I hate myself for the other ways I let God's grace and forgiveness go to waste -- like messing around with or depending on another person because I can't handle these intense emotions I force myself to bottle up. Because if I let them out, it'll scare everyone away. No one can handle them, no one can handle me.

No one realizes what it means to care about me. They don't realize just what "If you need anything" really requires. And I don't want to suffer the humiliation of revealing my ugliest scars just to watch someone run away.

God is the only one who who has ever been able to handle everything about me. And I can't fathom or accept the mercy God has shown me for every mistake I've made and remade, especially in this situation. I should be dead. I should be cut off...And still He pours out blessings upon me! So, I feel like I have to punish myself, I have to make myself suffer. The more He doesn't give me the punishment I deserve, the lower I get and the more wretched I realize I am.

I should be perfect out of thankfulness to Him for everything He has done and continues to do for me. It should be an  honor to give up or miss out on anything for Him. And yet my focus is on my mistakes & the good things I might miss out on because of them. And still He blesses.

Plastic smile, feigned excitement

This is how I hide from you

So I don't trouble you

With the pain inside me

I struggle on and on alone

'Cause I'm afraid of what you'll say

If you find out what's wrong

You can't even help me

I cry, feeling like there's no one on my side

Then I wipe the tears from my eyes

Put on a full set of make-up

So you can't see how I'm hurting inside

And move on with my life

And I hide

Discouragement, frustration

Weighing me down, I can't get out

Why does it seem it always turns

Out to be this way?

Watching you walk away

No farewell, no backward glance

Just your back fleeing fast

Out of my life

And I cry, feeling like there's no one on my side

Then I wipe the tears from my eyes

Put on a full set of make-up

So you can't see how I'm hurting inside

And move on with my life

And I hide


But God says, "Daughter open up your eyes
Come on over to my side,"
Turned all my darkness to light
So He could heal all the hurting inside
And bring new meaning to my life
No need to hide