So She Dances

I feel ridiculous sharing anything of my life here online, as if any of it really matters to many people who blog surf. But it's not really being written anywhere else, and maybe typing it up will make a difference in the way I look at it myself.

Today it was hard being single, for some reason. It's not always so bad, in fact, it usually isn't. It has become harder as I've gotten older, but by God's grace I've usually managed to grab hold of every moment being single, knowing there are pros and cons to every walk of life. A friend of mine recently had her first baby, and I see the difficulties of motherhood (particularly for a new mother) more closely than ever before. I see the ups and downs that my friends go through with their significant others, and I know very well that a real relationship is not going to be one big high. But there is that aspect of companionship that I know all too well I lack in any of my friendships. And it's hard because I experienced that companionship once upon a time.

I'm so relationally distant from everyone, more than I realized before. I'm not the kind of person you'd pin as an independent person -- in fact, many people with similar personalities to me are very clingy people. But I will do all that is in my power to remain strong for other people. I know how much I want someone to lean on when things are hard, so I have this deep desire to be someone that people can lean on and draw from in their moments of exhaustion and weakness. But no one's usually around when I collapse, except God. And by the time I'm around people again, He has revived me. But this makes it hard to really let anyone get too close. Honestly, most of the time I don't even realize how distant I really am from everyone until I get home one day and collapse in the arms of my Savior, and no one else is around.

Tonight is one of those nights. I'm tired; my feet hurt; my legs hurt; my back is tired; my wrist is sore....and I know that I will have no time to recuperate until...Monday night? maybe? I need. And although my mind and heart is saying, "God, I wish I had a special someone to confide in, or to wrap their arms around me and to draw out all this exhaustion," I know that God will replenish my soul. That when I am weak, He is strong. That He will give me the strength I need to not only make it through, but to help others make it through, as well.

May He bless my workplaces and those who enter, through, and because of, me, and may He use me for His cause.