Arm's Distance

At my church's young adults gathering, we watched a video about dating, and then went over some discussion questions with the people at our tables. One of them was, "How do you view the whole concept of dating and what most influenced your views?"

This picture came to my mind: Jr. high small group one Wednesday night, our leaders discussed with us the whole dating/relationship world (two women lead our group). They had brought in a chocolate cake with a piece missing. They explained that every time you're intimate with a guy, you give a piece of yourself to him. Then, when you finally get married, what your husband gets is just a piece of your heart, instead of the whole thing. You wouldn't bring someone a partially eaten chocolate cake for their birthday (if you did, you'd be embarrassed), and your heart is so much more special -- why would you give your husband the leftovers of your heart?

A pastor on a Sunday morning t.v. show said, "Our willingness to wait [on God] reveals the value we place on the object we desire." His point was that God wants the very best for us, and taking things into our own hands when we feel He's taking too long will not get us the best.

For those of you who have "messed up" (which consists of just about everyone in this realm), my God is a miracle worker, and healer. He will regenerate the part of your heart that you've lost, if you'll just check yourself into His hospital for the brokenhearted. "God heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds." (Ps. 147:3). It might be sudden healing, it'll probably take time, but He will give you a new heart to give your husband. He will give you His heart.

Lastly, we talked about keeping all guys not related to us at arm's distance, protecting each other, and then "Ewe gross"ed at the thought that we might wind up marrying one of the boys in the Jr. High and teased each other that we'd marry the boy we disliked the most. When we rejoined the other groups, including the boys, my friends had a fun time "freaking out" whenever one of our guy-friends got "too close" -- holding out their arm and exclaiming, "Arm's distance!" One girl even had a rolled-up newspaper or something and waved that around. I was more on the shy and quiet side, so I just kinda stood there and laughed as one or two of the guys would sidle up next to me just to be smacked and shoved away by one of my friends shouting, "Arm's distance! Arm's distance!"

Today, it's my job to protect myself, because no one else can, although we're all still adamant about meeting any potential spouse before any vows are exchanged. But that night will forever be etched into my memory, and a sweet one at that, with a good, solid lesson attached to it.

What You Have is What You Give

I was reminded of something Rita Davenport, President of Arbonne International, once said during a recorded training call: "You can't give encouragement and support if you don't feel good about yourself." Jesus said something similar, both to the Pharisees, and to His disciples: "....For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks." (Matt. 12:34, Luke 6:45).

You can't give what you don't have, and you can't take it from a place that's "out of stock". But God has an unlimited supply of everything good, and He gives liberally to all who seek and ask.

I'm drawn to Arbonne International for this reason: it's like "a personal development company disguised as a skincare company." It is full of joyful and encouraging men and women that I absolutely love to be around; and although Arbonne is not a "Christian" company, I have heard God given credit and thanks on so many occasions, there has even been prayer before some of the meetings, and I just recently found out that there is an Arbonne prayer team. You can tell where many of them get their joy! But I also found out, that these optimistic people will keep their distance somewhat from those "Debbie Downers" or "Wendy Whiners". They won't avoid them, and they'll even give encouragement out of the abundance of their hearts, but they don't stick around a pessimist too long. Why? Because they know that attitude is contagious, and they don't want to get sick.

Talk to any of them, and they'll all tell you the same thing: your attitude is a choice. I realized how this must be true, but it sure seemed out of my control "in the moment." No matter how much I willed it, if any situation turned bad, I was put in a bad mood, and well, as my Mom wrote in my baby book, "When she's happy, everybody's happy. When she's not....neither is anybody else." I went partially through a self-improvement course one time, and one part of it mentioned how so many misunderstandings happen because we assume, or imagine the worst, and cause it to come about. Someone says something to us, sometimes as simple as, "No, I can't come," and we start imagining every possible reason why not, and they're all bad: "They're mad at me....They don't like me anymore....They probably had friends over and didn't invite me...." Just to find out that the tone in their voice was annoyance that their parents wouldn't take them, but they had really wanted to come, so it had come out sounding as though the harshness were directed at us. But all of a sudden, a friendship is severed or injured, because we assumed the worst, and either avoided that friend, or burst out in anger at them the next chance we got. So the workbook encouraged the readers to STOP! whenever they caught themselves on this downward spiral of thought, and to force ourselves to think of any possible good reason our friend could have for responding in the manner they did. "Innocent until proven guilty." Especially when it's a friend. If they're a friend, it will be worked out, and maybe they were having a bad day and didn't mean to upset you, or speak to you the way they did. Or maybe they were preoccupied with something when it seemed they were ignoring you, and they just didn't see you wave or hear you call out to them.

The Bible says, "Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all sins," (Proverbs 10:12) and "He who covers a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates friends." (Proverbs 17:10). Why do we assume the worst about even our friends? Everyone will let us down, offend us, and hurt us at some point in our life -- and we'll do the same to all our friends. Why are we so ready to destroy our friendships over perfectly repairable trials or misunderstandings? We want to protect ourselves, but hurt is all we'll ever get. "He whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matthew 16:25). I've learned that this verse is true not only in proclaiming or denying Christ, but really in any situation where we seek, by our own understanding (or misunderstanding), to save ourselves for fear.

Even when our first negative assumptions turn out to be accurate, if our "friend" really has turned on us, there may still yet be a way to save the friendship, or at least to leave it better off, praying for our friend and knowing that we tried to mend matters, but their heart still needs to be changed, and not to leave bitter, jaded, and muttering curses as we stomp away. "A man shall eat well by the fruit of his mouth, But the soul of the unfaithful feeds on violence. He who guard his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction." (Proverbs 13:2-3). "A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up strife."

I had to learn how to let go and still respect authorities when I felt they were not acting respectably, and how to see my own faults in my reactions, even if I truly was wronged. I'll let you know when I've got this down pat ;-). I have the ability to make things worse, or to make things better, all in how I respond in word and in deed. And if I ever want to see a change for the better in someone else, I must first let God change me. "A wrathful man stirs up strife, But he who is slow to anger allays contention." I can allay contention by being slow to anger. By studying how I should answer (Prov. 15:28), and then praying that God would guide and guard the conversation (Prov. 16:1), I could save a friendship, if the friend is also willing. But I never would have succeeded without all those hard nights of intense prayer. All good things come from God, and I can't give what I don't have, including, but not limited to, forgiveness, wisdom and patience.

There must've been a reason we first got together

There must've been a reason we used to talk forever

It's hard to see it now,

'Cause it's easier to think of what went wrong

I could keep pointing fingers

I could stay mad as heck

Just let my anger linger

But the last time that I checked

I've just got to let it go

If I want to move on

So I'll think about how you made me laugh

Not think about how you made me cry

Think about how we both swore

We'd love each other 'til we died

Forget about who's to blame

And just remember your smiling face

Yeah, it's a choice I've had to make

So I'll think of you that way

Seems like I paint you now in colors of forgiveness

I've lost the pain somehow, and in it's place there is this

Part of me that sees you in the light

I saw you in before

So I'll think about how you made me laugh

Not think about how you made me cry

Think about how we both swore

We'd love each other 'til we died

Forget about who's to blame

And just remember your smiling face

Yeah, it's a choice I've had to make

So I'll think of you that way

The Jaded Can't Forgive....So Soften My Heart, Lord

I want to paint my face

And pretend that I am someone else

Sometimes I get so fed up

I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don't want you to think that I'm complaining all the time

And I hate the way you look at me I have to say

I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart

I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start

And you might think it's easy being me

You just stand still, look pretty

-Stand Still, Look Pretty by The Wreckers

This is how I feel sometimes. My life is so normal that I've no right to hurt, so it stays bottled up inside, and gets worse, even, because I add to the hurt by telling myself I'm being ridiculous for feeling anything less than happy. 

Women look at me, and despise me. If they're unhappy with themselves, that is, which is most. I work at a Curves, which is a gym for women only, and probably about 80% (or more) are over the age of 40, mothers, and most of them struggle with their weight -- either getting it down, or keeping it down. So any time I work a shift, I usually hear, "This is what you have to look forward to," "Look at you, you're so skinny," "You're what, just out of high school?" "I used to be that slender," and just the other night one woman joked to me, "You know, it's against all of God's laws to be as skinny as you are." Thankfully, I've read every law in God's Good Book, and not a-one of them has anything against being slender (unless you can be a glutton and slender, but then the sin is still gluttony, not slenderness). I want to say, "I don't have any more time to be this age than you did -- let me be young. And I'm a trainer -- shouldn't I be in shape? The fact that I am should give you more hope that I can help you, if you'd let me." But I've tried that, and only some reluctantly agree.

I also went to a 6 month trade school for personal training instead of going to college, so I was done with school and working "in the real world" before most everyone else my age. Because of this, the majority of my close friends now are 6-10 years older than me, and many of them are single (although recently that has been changing fast). So when it's hard for me to be unmarried and single, I can't say so, because I get a host of, "Marie, you're so young still, most people don't get married until close to or after 30 these days anyway -- you've got plenty of time!" I know I have "plenty of time" (assuming I die of old age), and honestly, it's that ridicule that makes me the most unsatisfied. For the most part, I'm fine with being unmarried, even single...it just gets hard sometimes. I don't want to be 25 years older than my first kid, and I refuse to jump the gun and do things out of order (and thanks to God that I've been able to stick to that).

We live in a world that tries to make people feel better by saying things like that: "Hey, it could be worse!" or "Girl, you're 6+ years younger than I am, and I'm still single -- stop being lonely for another 6+ years!" (no, that's not a direct quote)...and other stuff like that. As if I'm not allowed to be human until I reach a quota of age+hardships (which changes depending on the person and what they've gone through). We live in a world that is bitter and jaded, and in our selfishness we take it out on other people, and give every excuse as to why we should waive other's cares away as nothing. It's almost easier to be single (maybe this is what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 7), because I'm not as likely to be blamed for everything bad that's ever happened to someone else if they haven't really gotten over it.

Those people and friends -- they're right, to a large extent: I've no right to complain, nor do I need (nor should I require) their pity or attention. But they're wrong to assume that my cares, though small they may seem, do need to be dealt with -- I need prayer. Satan attacks me just as he does anyone else. By telling me I'm stupid for ever being upset. By telling me I'm a horrible person for weighing less than someone else. By telling me I just shouldn't be lonely, and that's that. By telling me I need to mess up more because I'm making everyone else feel bad by keeping "the rules" (which I still can't seem to keep).

I need prayer; that when I'm hurt, I'll turn to God for healing; that when I'm lonely I'll seek after God to fulfill me; that when I'm lacking I'll depend on God to provide for all my needs, as He has promised (Matt. 6:25-34).

" 'Come to Me,

all you who labor and are heavy-laden

and I shall give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For My yoke is easy

and My burden is light.' "

~Matthew 11:28-30~

And I know there are others like me out there. To all you who are like me, my prayers go out to you -- as well as to those who have had more trials than someone like me has. All of you remember this: "In this world you will have tribulation (trials/hardships), but be of good cheer (take heart), for [Jesus] has overcome the world." (John 16:33). If you're saved by grace (by believing in Jesus), then these trials are but for a moment, and no matter how bad they are, the pain will end, the sorrow will end, and they shall be replaced with joy and happiness in the presence of our Lord. If you're not, then these trials are nothing compared to what Hell has to offer -- which is why Jesus came: so you wouldn't have to know worse than what you go through here on Earth. Jesus is beckoning you to come to Him and join Him in Heaven: will you answer the call? 

God, I get so frustrated sometimes
When I am the diss of so many women

When their compliments to me

Swing back as insults on their own beauty

I try to reach out, but all they think is

"She doesn't understand"

Is this body all there is to me?

Isn't there more to me than what meets the eye?

Didn't You make me someone amazing inside?

Tell me there's more than just this beauty

Beauty that only fades

More than just a pretty face

God, it's hard not to get jaded inside

When I am waved aside by everyone

Even those close to me

I'm either naive or way too sensitive,

I try to speak up, but all they think is

"There's naught to what she says"

Am I as simple as they say?

Isn't there more to me than what meets the eye?

Isn't there some truth to these feelings inside?

I know there's more pain than what I've known;

Some things I've yet been spared

But can't I still care?


God, You're the one who's told me
I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am
You're the one who's taught me
And has brought me to where I stand
But still hard for people to see sometimes
That I'm not that blind


Isn't there more to me than what meets the eye?
Didn't You make me someone capable inside?
Tell me there's more than just this innocence
Someone who understands
With wisdom given from Your hands


You say there's more than just this beauty
Beauty that only fades
More than just a pretty face

My God is Greater: The Depth, Weight, and Importance of the Marriage Vows

Holy Spirit, speak to and through me, that I may impart wisdom and grace to the readers. These are hard things to comprehend or to come to terms with, but we want to understand, in Jesus' name. Amen (let it be).


One day, a woman found bruises on one of her young daughters, and found out that her husband had strapped the girl to her bed and beaten her. The mother promptly packed up and left with her daughters, and divorced her husband for what he had done. To this day, that girl struggles with guilt, both about being beaten, and about the divorce, and she asked me one time what the Bible says about abuse and divorce.


I don't know of a single divorce that hasn't left scars on everyone involved, especially when there are children. I also haven't heard of a single victim of abuse that didn't originally believe they deserved that treatment. It is also common, although I don't know if it's as common, for a child to believe it's their fault their parents got divorced, and are ashamed of themselves for this. The adults often (if not always) leave hurt, bitter, angry, and jaded.


No wonder God has such a problem with divorce! It tears His children apart and leaves so many people broken and bleeding, and this pains Him.

" 'For the LORD God of Israel says

That He hates divorce,

For it covers one's garment with violence,'

Says the LORD of hosts..."

-Malachi 2:16 (first half)

This is the verse a friend pointed out to me when I told him what kind of verses I was looking for. I didn't remember this verse, but I knew the New Testament reiterates this same point. Sadly, I asked, "But what is someone supposed to do in this case, then?" My friend nodded and stared at the table between us for a moment. I answered my own question, "Just leave, but don't divorce, I guess." Again my friend nodded.

This brings a few questions to mind:

• Does that mean God hates anyone who's ever divorced someone?
• How can you say it's wrong when the husband beat up his own kid?
• Does God justify what the husband did?
• What about infidelity, does God require you to stay with a cheating spouse?
• Who does He think we are, super-human?

So, with the particular example I shared at the beginning, by now you're wondering how God can say that this woman did wrong by divorcing her husband -- she was protecting her children from a wicked man! And you're probably feeling the flare-up of indignation. Let me say this: first of all, this entry is not going to analyze and or focus on this particular scenario, and secondly, God understands. He understands what she was feeling, He understands her actions, He understands that no one, including her, can do this without Him. I can't say I wouldn't do exactly the same thing -- I know I'd want to!

You see, we think God is cruel for expecting such a thing of us -- to remain hitched to someone who is abusive, neglectful, or a cheater, because we don't understand the depth, weight, and importance of the marriage vows. We've grown up in a society that doesn't see the vows as vows, but as a ritual that makes you feel happy at the time you take part in it. We also don't go into marriage thinking, "He's going to cheat on me." or "He's going to abuse me and/or our children." We don't go into marriage thinking we'll have to deal with any of those -- we certainly don't intend for any of those to happen! But that is for another entry.

For now, I will simply answer the original question: What does the Bible say about divorce? This is where I give you a bit of the context of that first verse I shared, as well as the remaining half.

"And this is the second thing you do:

You cover the altar of the LORD with tears,

With weeping and crying;

So He does not regard the offering anymore,

Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.

Yet you say, 'For what reason?'

Because the LORD has been witness

Between you and the wife of your youth,

With whom you have dealt treacherously;

Yet she is your companion

And your wife by covenant.

But did He not make them one,

Having a remnant of the Spirit?

And why one?

He seeks godly offspring.

Therefore take heed to your spirit,

And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.

'For the LORD God of Israel says

That He hates divorce,

For it covers one's garment with violence,'

Says the LORD of hosts.

'Therefore take heed to your spirit,

That you do not deal treacherously.' "

~Malachi 2:13-16~

What is this treachery it speaks of? Making promises to someone, and breaking them. These days we break promises like nobody's business, and most of the time consider it no big deal. In the New Testament, Jesus even goes so far as to say, "Let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No,' 'No." (Matthew 5:37). So when you take that into account, now how many promises have you broken in a day? 

The Bible says it is better not to make a vow than to make a vow and break it. But thankfully, He knows our state, that we are weak, and only human. And even when we break our vows, our promises, our word, God does not break His....ever.

"When we are faithless,

He remains faithful;

He cannot deny Himself."

~2 Timothy 2:13~

"But I say to you

that whoever divorces his wife

for any reason other than

sexual immorality

causes her to commit adultery,

and whoever marries a woman who is

divorced commits adultery."

~Matthew 5:32/Matthew 19:9/Luke 21:7~

1 Corinthians 7:10-16; Do not divorce your husband/wife, even if they aren't a believer; but if they choose to leave you, let them leave, you are not "held under bondage in such a case." But if you divorce, remain unmarried or be reconciled to your spouse.


This is why it is so important to know exactly what you're promising at the altar when you become a person's spouse. God meant marriage to be for life. Not only because it glorifies Him, but because it is devastatingly destructive to yourself, the other person, and any other people (especially children) who are involved if the marriage doesn't last. And by "last", a marriage where the two are constantly fighting, cheating, and/or ignoring each other and/or their children is not a "lasting marriage". I think divorce really starts before judges, lawyers or legal documents ever come into play. It starts when one or both persons "leave" their spouse emotionally or spiritually. That, too, needs healing and reconciliation.


A friend relayed a story about a woman she'd met on an airplane, who had been married to a man for about 17 years, and they had dated for about 4-7 years before that (I'm a little hazy on the numbers). My friend asked the woman, "Wow, so when did you start thinking that you shouldn't have married him?" And the woman answered, "Oh, I always knew. The signs were there, but after 2 years of dating, it was just easier to stay together, and then it seemed the natural thing to do to get married." How many things have you done out of a fear of something? We lie out of fear. We follow the dream our parents dreamed for us because we're afraid to hurt their feelings or stand up to them. We'll give sex, words (like I love you), or excessive amounts of our time out of fear. We'll take abuse or blame out of fear. We'll date or marry because it's easier than breaking each other's or our friends' hearts by breaking up; or because we're afraid this is the best we can do, it's this person or nothing at all.

"The wise man foresees trouble
And hides himself,

But the simple pass on

And are punished."

-Proverbs

But there are also the times, where we just don't see the signs. We enter a marriage, fully intent on it lasting forever, and we're head over heals in love. And then the person turns into a monster, or just becomes a person we had never seen before.


So, what then?


Well, first of all, honestly seek what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell you about a person. God isn't going to hide who the person is from you. Sometimes the signs are little details that you don't catch, but your subconscious sees them and in turn, gives you an unsettled or apprehensive feeling. Sometimes He just gives you a feeling. But He's not going to lie to you about a person. Jeremiah 29:11 says that He has plans to prosper you, not to harm you. 


So take heed, you who are still single: don't take the marriage vows lightly. Ask the Lord to reveal a person's true character to you, and whether He intends for you to marry them. And listen, even if you're engaged and standing at the altar -- don't make the vows if you think God is telling you not to -- better to say, "I'm sorry, I'm just not sure this is what God wants," and reschedule it to a later date if you eventually believe that it really is God's desire for you two to marry, than to marry and find out that unsettled feeling was legit.


For married couples: pray. Pray, pray, pray -- and ask others to pray as well. Many stories I have heard about God changing the heart of a spouse and restoring a marriage. Usually, it takes years. Ask God for wisdom as to any actions you need to take, such as protecting your children. Pray. Tell God you want to honor Him and the vows you made, and then tell Him what's going on. Pray, pray, pray. Does the person's heart always change eventually? No. I heard one story of a woman who was married to mean man -- if I recall correctly, he was verbally abusive and a drunkard. He may have also been physically abusive, but I can't remember. Anyway, she and a close woman friend of hers prayed for something like 30 days straight that God would end the abuse. They thought God would change the man's heart. The prayers only stopped when one day the woman returned home to find her husband dead in his easy chair. 

" 'Vengeance is Mine,' Says the Lord.' "

God cares. He's not some unfeeling robot that just divvies out orders or outcomes. He wants all marriages to resemble the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. But we need to trust Him. We need to believe Him. We need to know Him, and listen to Him. My God is a redeeming God: regardless of the circumstances or decisions made, He has a way of redeeming any situation. And by "redeem", I mean He'll pour out such blessing upon you when you decide to trust Him, that you won't be able to tell that a mistake was ever made, nor how the outcome could have been any better had you never made the mistake in the first place!

" 'They say, "If a man divorces his wife,

And she goes from him

And becomes another man's,

May he return to her again?"

Would not that land be greatly polluted?

But you have played the harlot with many lovers;

Yet return to Me,' says the Lord."

~Jeremiah 3:1~

There is hope for us yet!