11/29/06

"Do you worry a lot?"
"...Yes."
"You're worried even now -- even now you're thinking, 'Did I make a mistake going out with him?' You're worried about hurting me, you're worried about hurting yourself! You're worried about disappointing me. That's probably your biggest worry, 'cause you don't want to let me down -- that would bother you more than it would bother me! Am I even close to right?"
"...yes."
"Well, you don't have to worry -- I'm not worried."

It's a little scary learning to fall

So, I suppose I should let all ya'll who read this in on a little something. It'll shock some of you, a couple of you already know what I'm going to say, and some of you will probably just be like, "Oh cool..." So here goes *takes deep breath*

REE'S GOT A BOYFRIEND

If you're shocked and wondering what, where, why, when, how?! Don't worry, you're not alone -- so am I. He kinda snuck around the corner, jumped in front of me and shouted, "BOO!" And I was so shocked I couldn't even scream, "AHHHH!"

A couple of you know what a big leap in the dark this is for me. A lot of me is scared to death I'm not thinking straight, or I answered to the positive for all the wrong reasons, or that I'm just setting one or both of us up for some sort of heartbreak that neither of us needs. My mom talks as if she's fairly certain I only said, "Yes" so I'd have a boyfriend and not be the oddball with Rebekah and Nick both going out with somebody, and doesn't seem to realize how much thought and prayer went into it. Some may even think I'm taking it too seriously/ being too cautious.

But he's so much fun to be around, and I wanted to get to know him better, and I knew not much would change if I said, "Yes," and now...it seems like the most natural thing in the world. Like it was meant to be... A couple of you, who know in detail the things that have been going on in the past, and the things I thought I was so sure about, though, know why I have some doubts and questions.

So yeah, a bit about him: his name is Dan Foster, he's the GM of Vocelli's in Reston and is soon to be opening his own Vocelli's in Maryland sometime early next year. He wasn't planning on going out with anyone for a while yet, but decided that he'd rather ask me out now and find out what would happen then wait and let someone else get me without ever knowing if he'd have had a chance. He explained it, "1 out of every 2 people regrets something they did, but 84% of people regret something they didn't do." He's always setting goals for himself, always speaks positively in order to keep himself positive, and is really really amazing at making pizza's. And of course he's a lot more than all that.

Psalm 6

"O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.
Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled;
But You, O LORD -- how long?

Return, O LORD, deliver me!
Oh, save me for Your mercies' sake!
For in death there is no remembrance of You;
In the grave who will give You thanks?

I am weary with my groaning;
All night I make my bed swim;
I drench my couch with my tears.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
It grows old because of all my enemies.

Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity;
For the LORD has heard the voice of my weeping.
The LORD has heard my supplication;
The LORD will receive my prayer.
Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly troubled;
Let them turn back and be ashamed suddenly."

Three words: Praise the LORD.

Just Breathe

"Times are hard, and rends are had

What can a working girl do?

But struggle through another day,

And I'll take care of you

Nights are long, and dreams are cold

If they're all you wake up to

But should you rise with crying eyes

Then I'll take care of you

So let them talk about us

Let them call us funny things;

People sometimes do

But I don't care as long

As you know I love you;

Oh, and you know I do

I'll be there, but you might not see me

It's never easy to get through

But when the laughter dies away

Then I'll take care of you

Darling, I'll take care of you."

I was feeling weak and discouraged. I started to force myself to think of that song, "I'll Take Care of You" by the Dixie Chics that often helps me remember that I'm not living for myself but I'm here to help others, be there for others. It helps me refocus and know that, as a maturing believer, I must learn and then prepare to teach. Lean on, and let myself be leaned on. Particularly focussing on being leaned on. Being that support that helps you stand when you can't on your own; being the quiet strength and spiritual support and encouragment needed to keep you going.

I was tired of being the adult in my life, tired of keeping track of money, fighting my resent of phone calling, trying to please my boss and fellow co-workers, trying to please friends, trying to improve myself. I was tired of being responsible and being the decision maker for work, school, where I go, when I study, etc. I didn't want any of it anymore. I felt like I had so much to do and no time to do it, and I was tired of being that busy, and knowing I couldn't just take a week off of work to just get stuff done.

I sent up a silent plea, God, help me!

I began to think of that song, and to sing it in my mind in the same way I always had. I'll take care of you. Be strong, Marie, others need you to be strong, you can't break, you must stand!

But God stopped me after the first few words of the song.

I'll take care of you.
I'll be there, but you might not see Me
It's never easy to get through
But when the laughter dies away
Then I'll take care of you
Darling, I'll take care of you.

I closed my eyes and looked up into His kind face. A small smile played on His lips, and His eyes danced with love. He cupped my face in His hands and in my mind I closed my eyes as well as He spoke and I felt all my anxiety melt away.

"I'm taking care of you. You're not going at this alone. I'm here for you to lean on, I'm hear for you to learn from. I am your husband, let Me take care of you. I love you. Let Me be that role in your life."

I cannot express what went on that day. It was so amazing, and I hope you might experience similar things your life, wherever you need it. I needed to realize the reality of His role in my life as a husband figure, the Supporter, the Leader. I needed to realize that I don't need to be everything in my life.

I'll bring You more than a song

So, it is done at last. I believe that was one of the most amazing performing experiences I've experienced so far. How amazing is it when you can forget your fears because God wants you to! I knew He wanted me to, I knew what He wanted me to sing, I didn't really know what He wanted me to say. Until I was in the bathroom and He reminded me what and why I was singing. And then I knew what I would say.

There was much clapping, shouts, and whistles when the man announced that I was singing next -- not surprising considering half of the people there were people I knew :-). The man had a little something to say about everyone before me, but he didn't know me, so I assumed it would just be an introduction. He still had something to say, though, especially when half the room errupted into cheering. "This next performer, I must admit, I don't know. She signed up as "Marie B," *friends begin cheering loudly* I cracked up and looked at Philip, who was the one who actually signed me up (for some reason I found it funny that he didn't sign my whole last name as well). As I walked up and my friends continued to cheer, the man said, "Oh, you know her?" Joshua answered sarcastically, "No, not at all." and laughed. The announcer (I never did learn his name, if you couldn't tell) said, "Ok, at least someone does!"

And so I introduced my first song, "Heart of Worship," it being symbolic to me that it's not about me at all. As long as it brings Him glory, that's all that matters. I mentioned how I often, in the past, if I made a mistake while performing it was a big deal to me; but my friends and family who were there watching, either didn't notice, or didn't care -- they still declared that I'd done a phenominal job. They don't care if I missed a word, or a beat -- it doesn't matter to them. "I actually sang it in the bathroom to remind myself that I'm singing to bring Him glory, and as long as it brings Him glory, nothing else matters." I forgot to mention (but it doesn't matter, I just realized it afterwards) that I was going to sing it accapella (lol, if indeed Philip spelled that word right...or that I'm even remembering how he spelled it, it doesn't look correct, though), and that that was also symbolic that one big thing for me has always been finding music to sing with. That I wanted to sing it without music (that works better, I know I spelled that right) to remind myself that it's not about the music either, and that what God really cares about is the heart behind the music and the song. "For a song in itself is not what You have required."

The second song I sang, "Thoughts of You" by Barlowgirl, meant a lot to me because I've often gotten discouraged because I couldn't write a song for my Lord that measured up -- it just wasn't good enough, I just couldn't express everything I feel for my God, no matter how much I wanted to. It reminds me that, sometimes, few and simple words say so much more than many eloquent words do. And, because many or all of you probably haven't heard this song, I'll write the lyrics here. It's a beautiful song, and I cannot express to you how awesome it was to have that opportunity to sing God a love song in front of all those people -- to let them see the tremendous love I have for Him.

"Thoughts of You,

And how You've changed me

Fill my mind

Without You, where would I be?

So even though I've tried to express my thanks

It never comes out how I hoped

I want to say so much more

So with these simple words, I'll try

I love You

My heart is Yours,

All Yours, yeah

I long to give You all of me,

My everything

My everthing

God I never could repay You,

You gave everything

Without You, where would I be?

You still loved me even when I

Pushed You away

You stood there and waited

'Til the day I'd return

So even though I've tried to express my thanks

It never comes out

I want to say so much more

So with these simple words, I'll try

I love You

My heart is Yours,

All Yours, Jesus

I want to give You all of me,

Oh -- I love You

I love You, my

My heart is Yours,

All Yours

I long to give You all of me,

My everything

My everything...

Thoughts of You, and how You've changed me

Fill my mind...."

I would also like to rave about how God has greatly blessed me this week: between CrisB's comment which let me know that, even when I forget whose witness I am bearing and focus on myself, He can always still use it for His glory. He knew that's what I, in my heart, wanted to do with this blog, and He blessed that desire, even when I lost sight of it. Thank you, CrisB, for your comment, I am so glad that this has meant something to you, and I pray that I can continue to encourage you in your faith, and that the Lord would bless you greatly and keep you focused on Him and what really matters. Also, as I sat with my bosses' three boys for dinner on Thursday night (after 3 hours of tag in the court (most of that game spent with the youngest on my back insisting I run, not walk), tag on the 8ft in diameter trampoline, and tickle monster and hide-and-seek in the basement) 4-year-old Gabe said, "I like it when you come over, Marie." "Why?" I asked. "Because we get to do fun stuff," Justin replied. *warm feeling inside* It was nice to hear, although I know they don't lead boring lives -- their daddy has more energy than I ever will, and I know they do fun stuff with him, and I'm sure their mom does stuff with them, although probably less roudy, and I know they adore both their parents. So they're not exactly fun deprived. Oh, but I just wanted to hug them so tightly! And 10-year-old Luke considers me good competition in the games we play -- Star Wars, tag, dodgeball, and the like, which I just have to thank God for because I'm such a girl it's probably hard for any of you to imagine me even participating in these games; and this particular day, after running around with Gabe on my back for a while I said, "Ok, time to play a non-asthmatic kind of game." (or something along that line). Luke heard me wrong, and adamantly declared, "I am not playing a non-Marie game!" *sighs* Soon enough, though, I will no longer be competition to him. Well...I suppose I could do something about that, which would be a good idea, because Rebekah and I decided we weren't going to be the mom's standing on the sidelines watching the children and dads playing.

Anyway, so yeah. It's been a nice change of events for me this past week.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention -- I feel kind of weird because I, for once, didn't let the Devil speak to me last night or this week before the performance. I mean, I remember that some usual discouraging thoughts tried to enter my mind, the Devil even tried, "Why don't you forget the whole thing and just stop here at this shopping center and have some alone time?" but...they never actually got to my mind, it was the strangest (but an amazing) thing. In fact, at the one thought (which accured as I was on my way to the church), was even counteracted with this vision of the aftermath of such a decision: Joshua, Joseph, and Philip would say, "Where were you? You never showed up!" Philip would say, "Yeah, I even signed you up!" I'd say, "I decided to take some alone time instead." Oh yeah, that would make up for it! (note the sarcasm). Indignation rose inside of me when I thought of it, "That would be rude and inconsiderate! I'm appalled you'd even suggest that!" Yes, this is where my opposite personality traits kick in. It was really quite funny. So that's what it's like to overcome that evil with good! :-D

Strangely Dim

In the office Bible study this evening we talked about Heaven and Hell, and I was struck, as I always am when I really think about Heaven, with the literally breath-taking thought that one day I will be in Heaven. One day. And there's no going back. This world, this life -- with all it's worries, troubles, fears, and strivings -- will be gone for good. Can you imagine?! All these little things we worry about -- the person in front of us going below the speed limit, the possibility of being spoken harshly to, the intense planning for the futures we don't know for sure that we have -- they are nothing, literally nothing, "compaired to the glory which will be revealed in us." Why do I care if someone's not very happy that I gave them a reminder call when they don't need one? Or sent them letters or gave them "We Miss You" calls that they didn't want? Why do I care if I don't get to my destination in record time? Why do I care so much about things that are so miniscule!..and then pretty much wave off those things which are important: like reaching out to others in love, talking to unbelievers about God and faith and eternity, or encouraging believers to continue on in hope, striving after my God with my whole heart, soul, and mind. Why is it more important to me to let this guy know that I love him than it is to rescue a floundering soul from a just-as-real eternity in Hell? If this guy never loves me the same again, will my life be over? Will I be without a purpose? No! My purpose is first, devotion to God, and secondly to whoever it is the Lord strays my way. In the end, so many things don't matter. They really don't! What good will $100,000 do you when you're standing before Almighty God, a cheater. "All things are open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account." In the end, we'll be required to give an account of everything we ever did. Will you be telling a story worth listening to, or rambling on about how the glass fell and shattered into a million pieces leaving the floor soaked in spilt milk?

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."

Our troubles are not worthy to be compaired to the glory that will be revealed in us! "For our light and momentary affliction is achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all!" What does that tell you?!

Think about Heaven, really think about it: one day, we won't be here anymore. Think about it: we will not live here on this earth forever. We ARE going to die one day. Imagine it: eternity! Now isn't that a much longer time than even 1000 years?

Are you ready?