I'm still holding out for you

You know those times in your life where so many littlish things have built up that all of a sudden one little thing just makes you explode? Yeah, now's one of those times for me. Well, a few minutes ago, anyway. I wanted to take a shower tonight, and I was planning on taking one at around 10:00pm (that's when I remembered I wanted to take one) and then I'd get into bed by 10:30pm. Well, my brother C.J. was pondering on whether he wanted to take a shower tonight or if he wanted to wait until morning. So I said he should take it tomorrow, and he gave a reason why he didn't want to to do that, so I was like, "So take one tonight, but make it fast." He was like, "Why?" I said, " 'Cause I don't want to take one in the morning!" Well, he ended up taking one, saying he would be really fast. 50 minutes later he was out of the bathroom. I was already tired at 10, then my laptop decided to be stupid and slow up/freeze so I restarted it and then had to shut it down and then restart it and I wanted to go to bed but I had stuff I wanted to get done on my computer first and I was already close to tears from exhaustion and frustration; I just blew up. "C.J.!" (after he told me he had just gotten out). He was like, "What?! The water's fine!" (I had mentioned how I wasn't sure if I'd have enough hot water if he took a shower first). "I WANT TO GO TO BED!" (C.J.)"The water's fine!" (Me)"I WANT TO GO TO BED! I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TAKE A SHOWER NOW!" And my eyes just overflowed so fast, I just lay down and cried. Cried because I was so busy I barely had enough time to get a decent amount of sleep, let alone just lay down or sit down and breath and lean my head on the Lord's shoulder and enjoy His company; cried because getting a loan to get a car just doesn't seem to be working out and it's really frustrating; cried because I've lost what could've been a good friend and I believe I could've prevented this loss; cried because I've practically lost my friendship with Andrew over something not worth losing such a good friend over and I wonder how or if it can actually be rebuilt; cried because my computer wasn't working; cried because I was tired and frustrated that I hardly ever have the time to even take a shower right now. I miss my porch time. Those wonderful hours spent sitting on my front porch with coffee, Bible, notebook/journal or nothing at all and literally spending time with God one-on-one, singing, writing, talking to Him...

Pray for me? Encourage me?

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways acknowledge Him

And He will direct your paths."

You Found Me

Wow, I really haven't had much time to blog. I really don't have much time right now, either, 'cause I have a nutrition project I need to finish today for school tomorrow. A lot has been going on: school (of which I only have two weeks left!!), work, trying so hard to get a loan that I can't seem to get to get a car that is likely to be gone by the time I get said loan, and training Anthony and piano, and now rehearsals for Conversations 2, which all ya'll should go to ;-). Oh yeah, and homework for class. Two things are due tomorrow, and I have to type up one and finish the other. Which I should probably do now so I'm not up really really late and insanely tired tomorrow.

Hey, wanna know a sad song?

Never thought I'd be in this place

It's someone else's life I'm living

Wish I were living a lie

The hardest part is when the bough breaks

Falling down and then forgiving

You didn't even kiss me good-bye

I'm choking on the words I didn't get to say

And pray I get the chance one day

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think you'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come 'round

Some things a heart won't listen to

I'm still holding out for you

I can hear you smile in the dark

I can even feel you breathing

When daylight chases the ghost

I see your coat and I fall apart

To those hints of you I'm clinging

Now's when I need them most

I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead

At least that's what you would have said

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think you'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come 'round

Some things a heart won't listen to

I'm still holding out for you

Faithfully I trace your name while you sleep

It's the only true comfort I feel

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think you'll be there like before

I still run, I still swing open the door

I still think you'll be there like before

Doesn't everybody out there know to never come 'round

Some things a heart won't listen to

I'm still holding out for you

It's even more beautiful and sad when you hear the group sing it. They do such a wonderful job. *sigh*

"And even though I feel so lonely

Like I have never been before

You never said it would be easy

But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking through

The valley of the shadow

I will hold tight to the hand of Him who's love will comfort me

And even when I'm wounded in the battle

He is all the strength that I will ever need

He will carry me."

Lord, help me in my lonliness, I know I need no other. But it's hard sometimes, waiting so long. I hate waiting, 'specially 'cause it seems that's all I ever do. But I suppose wait is all I deserve to do after I got impatient before and screwed up. Your grace is sufficient for me. More than sufficient.

"All I have, and all I am,

And all I ever hope to be,

I give it all, all to You,

Watch and see, I will be true

Lord Jesus, You are holy

Lord Jesus, You are mighty

And I give myself

Wholly to You

All I've said and all I've done

Has been erased, by Your blood

And I am amazed, by Your grace

I raise my hands and praise Your name

Lord Jesus, You are holy

Lord Jesus, You are mighty

And I give myself

Wholly to You

Now I stand, alone before

You and Your kingdom, Lord

And I want to see Your blessing through

Less of me and more of You

Lord Jesus, You are holy

Lord Jesus, You are mighty

And I give myself

Wholly to You

Amazing. You know how in one of the past entries I mentioned how my boss had said, "God led me to this man, He led me to that place."? And how it was basically a horrible situation and all that and not something you'd automatically link to God's leading? Well, today at the Sr. High church service they spoke on God bringing us to hard times and taking us through them and how we need them and all that. And I had just spoken to Sue about what happened with Justin, and she had said, well, first of all she assured me that she didn't think less of me, couldn't think less of me, and also that God would use the situation to make me stronger. Hehe, and the last song I listened to before leaving to visit my Becka at work today was Life Goes On by LeAnne Rimes. And now I'm like, God knew I'd make one bad decision and knew that that would bring me to a place I was too weak to walk away from. He knew. And after I had told Sue about how disappointed in myself I was and how I wondered if I could've changed the relationship so that it hadn't gone that direction; and after I had finished shedding my tears for the week, I started talking about the good things about Justin, and when I do, I see all the amazingly good things the Lord has made come about that I honestly don't think would've come about if things had gone any differently. I think I've gone over all those things already, and it still stands. Justin is an amazing person who simply has a lot of problems not unlike everyone other human being I know. Like Sue for me, I do not -- cannot think less of him. God brought me to him, to that situation, and has taken me through it and has made amazing things happen because of it. "He makes all things turn out for the good of those who love Him." And through it I have also been shown how much I lean on my own understanding. Yes, I was too weak to walk away like the Lord asked me to -- there was no way I could do such a thing! But God was strong enough to walk me away, if only I had trusted in Him to be my strength. But I think I'm learning. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight."

You sucked me in and played my mind

Just like a toy you were crank and wind

Baby, I would give 'til you wore it out

You left me lying in a pool of doubt

If you're still thinking you're the Daddy Mac

You should've known better but you didn't and I can't go back

Oh, life goes on, and it's only gonna make me strong

It's a fact, once you get on board say, "Good-bye" 'cause you can't go back

Oh, it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right,

Where I'm at, it's my life before me and this feeling that I can't go back

Wish I knew then what I know now

You held all the cards and sold me out

Baby, shame on you if you fooled me once

Shame on me if you fool me twice

You've been a pretty hard case to crack,

I should've known better but I didn't and I can't go back

Oh, life goes on, and it's only gonna make me strong

It's a fact, once you get on board say, "Good-bye" 'cause you can't go back

Oh, it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right

Where I'm at, it's my life before me and this feeling that I can't go back

Baby, shame on you if you fooled me once

Shame on me if you fool me twice

You've been a pretty hard case to crack

I should've known better but I didn't and I can't go back

Oh, life goes on, and it's only gonna make me strong

It's a fact, once you get on board say, "Good-bye" 'cause you can't go back

Oh, it's a fight, and I really wana get it right

Where I'm at, it's my life before me and this feeling that I can't go back

No, I can't go back

"But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at last your care for me has flourished again; though you surely did care, but you lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever sate I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

~Philippians 4:10-13~

This is one thing I am learning right now. Right now I am learning how to deal with the certain loneliness I recently realized. Right now I feel like something is missing, and perhaps something is -- or someone. But I do not need them to survive. But I don't understand why it won't go away. I suppose God Himself must intend for it to stay, because He has reserved that empty spot. *grins* Perhaps I can hope that it means that the spot is almost ready for the one meant to fill it. Oh, I hope it's filled soon, because it makes me numb.

Or perhaps someone I know is feeling lonely right now and the Lord wants me to pray for them. I thank God for allowing me to feel what others are feeling, because I have a hard time remembering to pray for people otherwise. Well, after getting reminded in the way I have been for a while, I remember a lot better now.

*sighs* I need a Christina or Kelly hug right now. No one else seems to like to hug the way they do. I hope Kilikina makes it to church tomorrow, I really, really need a hug from her. Or anybody, really -- whoever reads this, if you're at church in the morning and it isn't a bother for you, could you just attack me with a hug? Please? And then hold me for a while and remind me that not everyone I know and who truly knows me is going to disappear from my life. *laughs and pouts* Ree needs a hug -- a BIG hug! Don't worry, you'll get one BIGGER right back :-D!

To add a little bit onto my last entry: I also pray for the other young woman involved, I pray that she would find the same grace, the same love, and that God would heal our broken worlds. I don't know her, so I don't even know what all has gone on in her life, but I pray that she finds the Lord as well.

My boss said something that was amazing to me, and a great comfort: he was telling us about some hard things that are going on in his life having to do with the business, and told us about an old partner he had had who had done some bad things or whatever, and so he got out of the practice and the guy sued him. And my boss said, "God led me to him, to him!" And he said the same thing about the current situation: "God led me to this place." You know, I asked why I had to fall like I did, why didn't I listen to the Lord? All this could've been avoided. I'm such a horrible person, I feel like I'm about as faithful as a harlot, all guys should stay away. I leaned on my own understanding, which was, "God, how can I walk away when he's going through such a hard time?" Instead of listening to the Lord telling me, "Get away, Marie, this isn't where I want you to be -- I didn't give your heart to him, don't try and take it from the one I did." In our weakness He is strong. If only I had trusted in His strength and not my own! But, then again, would I ever have met his friend Joshua and all the others? Would I have realized the deep loneliness I didn't know I felt? Would I have started trying to renew the friendship with a very great and dear friend I felt I might've lost forever? Would I have started trying to talk to and confide in those close friends of mine whom I know I can trust and I know they genuinly care about me? Would I ever have learned to play poole? Would I ever have learned how to have fun bowling? God led me to this place.

I almost wish I could put all the blame on him, though, because that would mean I hadn't failed. But I did. I made some descisions and now I must pay for the consequences. But, because he can't take all the blame, it means he's not such a horrible person. As Chonda Pierce (a Christian comedian) said in one of her performances, "...he's a human being, just like you and me." But I also learned that I can't take all the blame upon myself. The truth is, I genuinly cared about his feelings and what he was going through, and then one day he disappears and soon after I'm told it was all an act. And that hurts; it really, really hurts. But by the love and grace of God the sun will not go down on my anger. What blame is his is between him and the Lord, and the Lord will deal with him as he sees fit. I'm praying that he will find mercy and allow the Lord to draw him closer. I pray that for both of us -- I need the Lord's mercy as well. And I pray that God would peel away the things of this world that are keeping us from being closer to Him, as hard as it will be to let Him do that -- it is never easy to really let go of ourselves.

"And even though I feel so lonely

Like I have never been before

You never said it would be easy,

But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow

I will hold tight to the hand of Him who's love will comfort me

And even when I'm wounded in the battle

He is all the strength that I will ever need

He will carry me

He will carry me."

"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose...

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of god, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

As it is written:

'For Your sake we are killed all day long;

We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.'

Yes in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Can I get an "Amen"! I will hold tight to the hand of Him who said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you," and who is "faithful and just to forgive us our sins" because He is the only one that can be counted on to never lie to, use, or walk away from me. Amazing love, how can it be, that Thou, my God, shouldts stay with me?

Why, why are You still here with me? Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth --
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just couldn't see how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

And I need You to love me
I need you to love me
And I'll stop this pretending that I
Can somehow deserve what I already have...I need You to love me

One of the theme songs for this site. It goes deeper than, "a moral person," and "a church girl." If all I have is a moral life, what good does that really do -- for anybody?

Getting Into You
When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God, somebody said
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these things
I ask myself, I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

I'm getting into You
Because You got to me, in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life

When He looked at me and said
I kind of view you as a son
And for a second our eyes met
And I met that with a question
Do you know what you are getting yourself into

I'm getting into You
Because You got to me,
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person you deserve to worship you
You say you will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do, You say
I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

I'm getting into You
Because You got to me
In a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

I wrote this awhile ago, but felt like it should be posted. I would like it if it could fit it in the "About Me" section, I don't believe I could be explained in a better way.

He Did it for Me
Oh, I inwardly moaned, This part, I hate this part!
I clenched my teeth against the tears that pricked my eyes as one of Jesus’ arms was stretched straight out against one arm of the cross.
I bit down harder when a nail was pressed against Jesus’ hand and my eyes threatened to spill over.
Up until this point, I had made it through "The Passion," feeling mainly only anger at what was being done to my Savior. Even when they were beating Jesus I wanted to do nothing more than wring their necks for what they were doing. Or maybe I was too horrified at what was happening to cry. Either way I still wanted to wring their necks.
I had been warned about the beating and that I might not want to watch, but I had no intention of turning my eyes away or closing them. I watched the whole thing with barely more than a blink or rush of anger.
But when that nail was put to Jesus’ hand, the anger suddenly drained away. In its place came the undeserving feeling of, "He did that for me!"
The first time that hammer came down on the nail on Jesus’ hand, a sob nearly escaped my mouth. I clenched my jaw still harder and held my breath against my sobs. Even with all my efforts my lip still quivered and the tears at last coursed down my cheeks. My shoulders shook with every inward sob and it took all my effort to keep those, at least, at bay.
With every strike of the hammer and cry of anguish I was reminded of what my God went through just so I, a low-down no-good wanderer who deserved nothing less than eternity in Hell, could one day spend eternity with Him in paradise.
It gets me every time.
By the time Jesus was placed in His grave my face was almost dry. And when Jesus got up and walked by, and His wound was shown close up, I grinned. In fact, I couldn’t stop grinning as I left the movie theatre room.
My Jesus is alive, and by His stripes I am healed. Amen!