I think of them, and my heart aches

I've been thinking about some things deeply, recently. Money, my role, heaven, and the state of hearts.

There's so much on my mind, I don't know if I can really write it all down -- haha, not when I have to get up in the morning.

I just saw The Bucket List tonight at regal. They danced around the subject of faith as our society does these days, "Life's gotta have purpose, all you need is faith, find what really matters in life." you know? without leaving any real answers as to what you need to have faith in - they didn't even give wrong answers. It presented the idea that living a good life is what matters -- dying with your eyes closed and your heart open, surrounded by loved ones.
I thought of the place in, I think it's Isaiah, where God told the Israelites He despised their feasts, their tithes, offerings, and sacrifices. They were missing the point. The point wasn't to just do these things. I wonder how many churches/Christians God would say that same thing to: "I despise your holidays, your tithes and offerings and your church attendance." Many days I hear the same thing, "I go to church, I pray every now and then, I give to the poor, God must be happy." I've heard the same said about me, "You're a good person, a moral person."

Hm...it strikes me just now: how many people do you think out there can you call "too sensitive"? If you look at the way people treat beliefs, you'll see most people would be called, "too sensitive." I see the way non-believers and many believers talk about faith -- they tiptoe, practically tip-toe dance on the subject because so many of us (mankind -- ooooh, is that politically correct?) are practically putting our feet in places to be stepped on just so we can raise a fuss and make that person look like a clutz and inconsiderate person.

My role: I want to stir people up from the inside out. I want to see real faith, like Jesus talked about, in myself and in others. I want to sing with a piano and show off the Lord and what He's done for me. I would like to make a difference in the lives of celebrities before they die of alcoholism or drug overdoses at the age of 20-30somethin'. I want to make a difference in the lives of those struggling to get by. I want to do something for the kingdom of God. I want to marry the man God told me I would. But even if I don't, I want to serve the Lord. I don't want to be the one saying, "Somebody should do something about that." I can't do something about everything, but I want to do something. I want to be a mother to the world, to take care of people, comfort, build up, support...

Lord, You are leading me in the way I should go. Sometimes I wish You'd lay all Your plans out before me, let me have a good idea of how things will unfold. I need Your help to be content on simply taking it by the next step. In Jesus' name I pray all these things, Amen.

I Thought You Knew

by Keith Urban

I thought you knew, guess I assumed too much
I don't know how but now we're so far out of touch
And I never planned, to so misunderstand
But what you needed you never asked me to give
And I swear as I live

I thought you knew my heart was yours
And that we were so together
That we would always be,
I don't believe you leaving me's the answer
I'm not asking you to let me rush back in and fail again
I'm asking for one chance not to assume
So I can say and do
All the things I thought you knew

So here we are
And so far we're still so far
From where we know we should be
I'm searching for words
And you haven't heard

I thought you knew my heart was yours
That we were so together
That we would always be
I don't believe you leaving me's the answer
I'm not asking you to let me rush back in and fail again
I'm asking for one chance not to asuume
So I can say and do
All the things I thought you knew

Ok, I think I'm ready for 2009 now.

Yes, I know, it's been a good part of forever since I wrote last. By now, Ani, my writings here are probably pretty close to an equivalent of letters to you, because you are probably the only one still checking to see if I've written anything new about my life.

So, here's something of what's been happening this year of 2008 so far. To give you an idea, I'll quote part of my personal journal's entry this past Sunday:

"It is only six days into the new year and already things have been happening so fast, it's a little overwhelming. So it seems 2008 is going to be rather exciting.

I'm ok an' all, but feeling a bit...serious...somber I suppose is more the right word. Tired has something to do with it, too. I haven't caught up on sleep since new year's, and all sorts of things have been happening one right after the other. Work started on Wednesday and has been non-stop ever since: I got backed up on charges and making new patients' charts, and so many insurances needed to be verified, and somebody backed things up on Friday morning and everybody's nerves got rubbed raw, and I haven't had enough sleep...well, yeah....and by the end of Friday I knew that if something bad happened I would not be able to keep myself from crying. Of course, that something bad had to happen (hence the Jan. 4/5th entry). I had a falling out with one of my friends which was extremely hard on me, but ended up being a good thing. So, I'm pretty much at the end of my rope right now even though everything that's happened hasn't been bad -- mostly it has just been a lot."

If you're wondering what the January 4/5th entry was, I think I can share that with you as well. I'm sure you've heard the opposite all your life, huh, Ani? At least I know you've heard it at the Academy, so maybe in some way you can identify with how discouraging this was.

"So, I was voted "Greatest Nuisance" at the last minute staff meeting tonight (not in those exact words). They should've just voted me right out of the office -- hey, they'd never have to worry about my volume again. Does he think I do it on purpose? Does he think maybe, if he says it seriously enough, and one more time, it's gonna make it easier? Does he think I just write him off? Does he think I don't care?! I'm a people pleaser -- there goes that theory!

20 even years I have heard the same thing in so many different ways:

"Marie, could you please be quiet?"

"Marie, you need to keep it down."

"Marie, you're being too loud."

"Keep your voice down!"

"Marie, I'm standing right next to you!"

20 even years I have tried to fix it, tried to be the perfect volume. 20 even years I have failed and continued to hear the same reprimand, "Marie, you're so loud!" ...How many times did I decide that I would never sing in the house again? How many times did I try to just not say anything at all because when I did it was too loud and it annoyed people? I was cussed out at a movie theatre for laughing during a funny movie. I've been reprimanded by my parents, adults, siblings, cousins, Dr. Ratcliffe, Dr. Banks, AND Preston!

20 YEARS and counting down the days until I'll never hear it again."

From everybody except my voice instructors and Shelley Ryan (according to a friend), my vocal ability has been teased, or reprimanded as a sin. A SIN! If it weren't a sin, why had it made people angry with me? Why was I punished for it? And for years I believed this -- there's something wrong with me, I need to fix this, why am I so disrespectful by not controlling my volume? Until I wrote that entry. And then it dawned on me. Yes, it could be used disrespectfully, and I'm sure I have taken advantage of it at wrong times. But my volume/voice in itself is not disrespectful, nor disobedient. It's just a quirk of mine from the Lord that people don't like. Ok, most people.

THEN, today, I finally took my car in for an oil change. They called me and told me it was ready to be picked up, so I had my brother drive me back, and they said, "Did he tell you about your tires?" The blood, drained from my face. "No," I replied, and then they muttered something about wondering why the guy who'd called me hadn't mentioned anything. Then the guy proceded to tell me that all four tires desperately needed to be changed -- two of them were almost completely down to the core, and the other two weren't far behind. So a $40 day turned into an estimated $490 day, just like that. I had to be at work, and I knew I wouldn't have the time to look around and get it down for a little while yet, so I stood there, groaning inwardly and praying, "God, why now?" So one guy said to the guy talking to me, "They're good people (my family), they've been good to us, help her out a little." And the other guy checked stuff on the computer and was explaining things to me as he did so. Basically, it came down to, "We'll give you 4 tires for the price of 3." I was just like, "Well, that's better than nothing." I'm gonna do my research now though, for next time, so if I am ever that bad off again, I'll almost positively know what I want to do. Apparently my car has special tires, too. But I think all that meant was that the coupon they have out doesn't apply to my tires, but they applied it anyway. And yes, I know I really did need them -- I did take them at their word at the time (they offered for me to look myself), but I know for sure now because I could tell a BIG difference when I drove away after having the tires replaced. I told Dad that I had suspected it might be near time I replaced at least a couple of them, because they seemed to squeel more than they should when I didn't think I had pressed the accelerator very hard at all. He said, "Yeah, that's one of the signs." And then I mentioned (although I had thought it might have been one of the fluids they topped off), "Well, the steering wheel isn't shaking anymore." I had mentioned it to a few people but nobody had any idea what it could be...apparently I hadn't yet told my dad for he out right laughed and said, "The steering wheel was shaking? *shakes head and looks back* That's another sign!"

Well, there's no use feeling stupid about that -- how was I supposed to know? And it just so happened that I hadn't ridden with anybody who could tell me any more than I knew already -- girl or guy.

So yeah...that's pretty much my 2008 so far....all 10 days of it.