Regrets

"Am I still waiting for you?"

Those words still ring in my head; every time I see a couple together; every time a friend gets in a relationship or gets married; every time a family member asks if I'm dating anyone...every time I'm reminded that the attraction I have for him, wandering though it may be, is one-sided.

Despair has been my closest friend since I forced those words to exit my mouth. It won't leave me alone, it keeps knocking at the door...whispering sweet nothings about how I should crash my car, or slash my wrists, or throw sanity to the wind and leave God's side (which I'm not about to do since he is all that ever gets me through. That, and I am His -- He will never let me go.

But I realized that I just can't let those words go. I hate myself for having said them, I hate myself for the other ways I let God's grace and forgiveness go to waste -- like messing around with or depending on another person because I can't handle these intense emotions I force myself to bottle up. Because if I let them out, it'll scare everyone away. No one can handle them, no one can handle me.

No one realizes what it means to care about me. They don't realize just what "If you need anything" really requires. And I don't want to suffer the humiliation of revealing my ugliest scars just to watch someone run away.

God is the only one who who has ever been able to handle everything about me. And I can't fathom or accept the mercy God has shown me for every mistake I've made and remade, especially in this situation. I should be dead. I should be cut off...And still He pours out blessings upon me! So, I feel like I have to punish myself, I have to make myself suffer. The more He doesn't give me the punishment I deserve, the lower I get and the more wretched I realize I am.

I should be perfect out of thankfulness to Him for everything He has done and continues to do for me. It should be an  honor to give up or miss out on anything for Him. And yet my focus is on my mistakes & the good things I might miss out on because of them. And still He blesses.

Plastic smile, feigned excitement

This is how I hide from you

So I don't trouble you

With the pain inside me

I struggle on and on alone

'Cause I'm afraid of what you'll say

If you find out what's wrong

You can't even help me

I cry, feeling like there's no one on my side

Then I wipe the tears from my eyes

Put on a full set of make-up

So you can't see how I'm hurting inside

And move on with my life

And I hide

Discouragement, frustration

Weighing me down, I can't get out

Why does it seem it always turns

Out to be this way?

Watching you walk away

No farewell, no backward glance

Just your back fleeing fast

Out of my life

And I cry, feeling like there's no one on my side

Then I wipe the tears from my eyes

Put on a full set of make-up

So you can't see how I'm hurting inside

And move on with my life

And I hide


But God says, "Daughter open up your eyes
Come on over to my side,"
Turned all my darkness to light
So He could heal all the hurting inside
And bring new meaning to my life
No need to hide

Broken Dam

Lord, I'm amazed by You

Lord, I'm amazed by You

Lord, I'm amazed by You

And how You love me

Twice this has happened so far. I put off getting groceries or things just keep coming up so that I don't get a chance to go until I'm near out of anything at all to eat, and I agonize over it and pray with a broken heart that I'm worried about food, worried about money, and wondering how and when God would provide, just to be provided for. Until now, I've had the money.

The first time, I can't remember why my grocery trip kept getting postponed, but I remember that I finally had a chance to go on a Tuesday, and then my brother C.J. called me. "You know how you always come over but we're either not here or we're busy?" he said. "Well, I'm here, and Devin has a cold so Mom didn't go to teach her class like she usually does, and Devin wants to play Settlers."

How could I pass up this opportunity to hang out with my siblings? Between their busy schedules and my sporadic hours at my current part time job, it had been a long time since I'd had much time with them. So I wound up going over to my parents' house and played with my siblings until Connect, the young adults' group I attend on Tuesday nights, and never had an opportunity to go shopping. Crazy how God works.

At the end of Connect, someone presented me with two gift cards: one for gas, and one for groceries. The person said they'd had them when we'd hung out that past Saturday, but just hadn't given them to me for some reason. And God managed to keep me from grocery shopping for 3 days so I'd have that gift card to use when I finally went. The next day I managed to get to the store.

This time, one of my roommates blessed me. I don't know which one, but I figure that's how she wants it.

A few days ago, the worries of "If I need to move out, I need to tell them in time for them to find a new roommate, I need food, and all I have is my credit card that I might not be able to pay off next month," just overwhelmed me. I also had to give up my personalized plates and pay registration for the second time when I finally got my car title in my name, and I just felt like a complete failure. After these last few years of working and the last year-and-a-half of being out of the house, apparently I still need Mommy and Daddy to come rescue me; I want so badly not to move out and wondered if I was just being stubborn and irresponsible by not just declaring that I would be moving out next month so they could find a better roommate. Maybe one that cleans more and spreads out less.

All that to say, the dam I had built up was not high enough, and I just broke down sobbing in my car as I entered our neighborhood and pulled up to the house, telling God how much of a failure I felt I was. I carried my stuff inside, the house was quiet as Bones was on at the time, and in the hopes that I might still be able to regain composure by the time I saw anybody, I sat down on the stairs and cried as quietly as I could.

But, "as luck (aka God) would have it," my roommate, Aviel, got up during commercials to move laundry over and then headed to the stairs which led up to her bedroom. She asked what was wrong, and then a few seconds later, promptly turned and left. I thought maybe I'd taken too long to answer and she thought I was ignoring her, but then our roommate, Micaela, came over, Aviel close behind her. Micaela asked if I needed a hug, and I just nodded, so she sat down beside me and put her arm around my shoulders. Eventually I told them what I'd just told God, about how I needed a job and didn't know if I'd find one in time and I felt like I was nothing but a failure.

To my surprise, they didn't ask if they needed to start looking for a new roommate, and they didn't just nod their heads. They started asking about the jobs I was waiting to hear back from, asked what I was looking for, and made some suggestions of where I should look.

I can't remember why I didn't go grocery shopping on Friday. Saturday, not only were both my meals provided (a late and big breakfast, and a spaghetti dinner with the 3 friends I hiked with that day), but I went on a hike and then wanted nothing more than to shower and relax in the house. Sunday, I left bright and early for UVA for a friend's graduation. I meant to pack a lunch, because I was worried about paying for one meal -- I didn't want to worry about paying for two! But lo and behold, it never even crossed my mind that morning -- I completely forgot! I ate breakfast at home, but was dreading the thought of paying for two meals down there. Then my other roommate, Angela, had a box of peanut butter crackers that she'd brought to share, and that tided me over until we were back at our friend Samantha's dorm room, where a few snacks were provided.

Dinner time rolled around, and I debated whether I should skip it or not. I told myself I had to eat something, or get something for later when I was actually hungry, either way, I needed to buy some food. When I finally got in line, I ordered, and was standing there waiting for my turn to pay, my friend Martin just ahead of me. The cashier rang up his order, and then pointed to my burrito and asked if that was part of his order as well. Martin paused and asked if it was mine, I told the cashier it was mine, still intending to pay for it, but then Martin said, "Yeah, I'll pay for that, too."

I was dumbfounded! Not so much because a friend had volunteered to pay for my meal, but because I just hadn't expected it, you know?

So this morning, I finally made my grocery list, and prepared to go shopping, wondering if I could keep it close to $20. I doubted it. I decided I would stop by Safeway, which I passed first, to see what deals they had going on for Cliff bars, blocks of cheese, bread, and bagels, and then I would go to Wegmans for everything I didn't get there. I remembered to check the Cliff bars and cheese, got a few Cliff bars, the cheese wasn't on sale so I didn't get that, and completely forgot to check the other two. Mentally, I kicked myself for forgetting, but figured, "Oh well, don't want to get out of line, so it's too late now. I'm sure Wegmans isn't much more expensive, if it is at all, for bread and bagels."

When I went to get my credit card to pay, I noticed a reddish-orange thing with my wallet. Currious, I pulled it out, thinking, "I don't remember sticking one of my gift cards there...." Then I realized that it said "Wegmans" on the front. I froze. This wasn't one of the gift cards I'd had already (the other one had been for Safeway), and to my recollection, it hadn't been there yesterday. I paid for the Cliff bars and booked it out to my car so I could examine it more closely. It was indeed a new gift card, with $25 on it. Not only was there a gift card, but also folded up with the gift card, were two coupons for Wegmans: one for a free 4-pack of snack-sized fruit bowls, and the other for a free 8 oz. block of cheese. I sat there and cried, humbled again at God's provision.

Guess what my bill at Wegmans came to after applying the gift card? $19.22.

If I Should Count Them

Times are hard, and rends are had

What can a working girl do?

But struggle through another day

And I'll take of you

Nights are long, and dreams are cold

If they're all you wake up to

But should you rise with crying eyes

Then, I'll take of you

~ <> ~

I heard someone say on the radio today, "You cannot be truly effective for the Lord until you have been broken." 

I am starting to notice, more and more, the ways that my times of greatest pain, testing, and hardship are being used in my life today.

1. Enduring depression and clinging to God as my only hope in high school; when all those closest to me had been stripped away, and the rest of my existing world seemed to be plotting my demise, God prepared me partially for my job at the chiropractor's office, and partially for moving to Pennsylvania where I only knew my roommate (and the reason I moved up there for a year in the first place).

2. Going to school at the National Personal Training Institute taught me that I wasn't stupid, I just didn't learn the way my parents thought I should.

3. My job at Bloomingdales taught me that I can learn knew things well, and how respond to "difficult people".

4. My job at the chiropractor's office taught me a lot of things. A) How to successfully and confidently talk on the phone, which prepared me for my current part-time job at Curves; B) How to multi-task; C) How to respond graciously and patiently when someone interrupted me at work; D) Better how to deal with "difficult people"; E) How to "fake it 'til ya make it" in many cases, although I hold to the belief that faking it is not always the best action to take, because eventually people catch on, and then you just look like a fool.

5. My move to Pennsylvania taught me how to be proactive in making new friends and acquaintances, that it's a bad idea to live with your employer, especially if they also expect comradeship, and just how hard marriage can be (just from learning the trials of combining different backgrounds and expectations).

6. Moving back to Virginia has....wow...where do I start? Ever since returning, I have encountered roadblock after roadblock. I was so excited to finally be able to attend, in person, the Wednesday night Circle of Sisters gatherings, just for it to be discontinued shortly after my return. Since then I have constantly had to deal with the loneliness of having no confidante, and realized that some of the burdens I bear, I have to bear alone, because no one can really know whether I'm telling the truth or not, or if I'm just disillusioned. The only one who knows, is God. I am learning to rest and trust in God as my Provider, as I would rest and trust in a husband. If I knew that my husband had full access to anything I needed, full knowledge of what I needed and when, and loved me enough to die for me, would I waste time worrying about whether he would remember that I need to eat? Or that rent needs to be paid? Or that there are things that need repairs? Would I waste time worrying about when I would receive what I needed? No. Why? Because if my husband has access to it, I have access to it, through him. In fact, for the most part, I wouldn't even need to ask, going on the assumption that my husband trusts me with our money, I could use a debit or credit card, or check or get cash from the bank directly in order to go grocery shopping, pay the bills, or buy him a gift for his birthday. 

6 (continued). And I am learning how great is His redemptive power, how to trust Him for the words to speak, or not speak, and how to wait for His best.

The hard time seems almost constant right now. Every victory seems more closely followed by another battle than ever before. I was rejoicing about God's goodness, mercy, and redemption on my way home from lunch today, and a wave of depression hit me as I entered the house, prepared to write this entry. The whole future is one giant question mark, and although a lot of the future is the results of decisions I make today, I really have hardly any idea of where God wants to take me, what adventures lie ahead, and what blessings are in store for me if I decide to keep following Him. I have no idea how my past bad decisions will affect (effect?) my future, nor how my present decisions will steer me on or off course in the future. Honestly, I'm nervous about finding out, if I do. I cringe to think of what the consequences could be, but what they could be is not necessarily, possibly not even likely, what they will actually be, because God is so merciful; chances are, I won't even be able to tell that something did not go as it should have, because God can use anything for such goodness and blessing as I shall never understand.

I'll Take Second Best, Please

"Our willingness to wait [on God]

reveals the value we place on the object

we desire."

-A pastor on t.v.

"What do you want, and what are you

willing to give up in order to get it?"

-Rita Davenport, President of Arbonne International

The sermon that the first quote is taken from was about how God desires the very best for each and every one of us; but He often requires us to wait a period of time before He brings it about -- sometimes minutes, sometimes months, sometimes a few years, sometimes decades. And we often get impatient and decide to do something to speed up the process, and in so doing, miss out on the best.

Take the very common example of marriage. Depending on who you marry, you'll have to make different sacrifices or changes in order for the marriage to work. There is always compromise in a lasting marriage. God has a purpose and a plan for your life, and there are some compromises that you just shouldn't be willing to make, even for a spouse. But God doesn't always bring that person into your life exactly when you believe you're ready. So the question is: do you put more value on who you marry, or when you get married? Do you care if you have to give up your life-long dream in order to get married before all your friends do? Or are you willing to get married later on in life if it means you marry someone who boosts you in your dreams instead of making you give them up or cutting them in half?

Or with job hunting. That's my realm, right now. Ever since returning from Lancaster in September, all I've found so far is a couple part time jobs that don't pay the bills. I had planned to find the perfect fit job or jobs (I didn't mind the idea of two part time jobs) by October or November at the latest. It's now May, and I am once again searching for that ever elusive job. I work 10-15 hours at Curves, and, on average, about 5 hours for a friend of mine. I could work up to 10 hours for him, but I'm still trying to get the hang of working at home, and focusing for long periods of time at the computer on one project. But if I had found a full-time or two steady and dependable part time jobs when I had wanted, I wouldn't have been available to help my friend Lucille out around her house while she recovered from shoulder surgery. And, chances are, if God has made me wait this long, it probably means there's a job He wants me to take that just wasn't or isn't available yet. Perhaps it's available now and I'll find it soon. Perhaps it's one of the ones I'm pursuing right now. I could've gone back to the job I left when I moved to Lancaster a year-and-a-half ago, and kept from needing the stress of searching for something new, but I didn't want to work until 8 o'clock every night of the week. I could've compromised on that, and taken the job back, but that would mean any Bible study during the week would be out of the question, I may not have been able to participate in Conversations, my church's Easter performance, I wouldn't have been available to help my friend Lucille while she recovered, and any other weekday evening activities would have been out of the question.

What you want often, if not always, requires you to compromise or give up something, but you need to know what you aren't willing to give up or compromise, or else you'll settle for second best.

I ain't settlin' for just getting by

I've had enough so-so 

For the rest of my life

Tired of shootin' too low,

So raise the bar high

'Cause enough ain't enough this time

I ain't settlin'

For anything less than everything

-Sugarland