The Turning Point

Praise God He turned my car around, I might have killed myself. It would've been hard to fight the urge to just let my car drive off the road...after all it would be best to get rid of the problem. If I didn't exist anymore, he would no longer have a struggle. And besides, God's the only one who wants me anyway. I've wasted myself, hated myself. Why couldn't I stand strong? I'm a Christian, I'm not supposed to struggle with this and I'm certainly not supposed to fall! I'm supposed to be a role model and here I am tripping a fellow believer. No matter how much I want to I can't seem to do the right thing. "That which I will to do I do not do and that which I will not to do, that I do." -(Romans 7:something)

I thought I could be strong

But it's killing me

Won't someone hear my cry

I'm dying for new life

But praise God I finally realized that I couldn't do it alone. I really needed help, drastic help. Especially while I was hating myself and knowing I'd be pondering suicide on my way home. But finally, Joshua's plea that I confide in a woman hit me that it's what I needed to do. Because I couldn't handle the situation on my own anymore, and I couldn't help the one I'd hurt because I was the problem. Tears filled my eyes and I ripped my heart in two. I called Andrea as I turned my car around in someones driveway. Joshua raised one hand as I passed him a second time, this time on my way back.

Nobody answered. So I called again. Again no answer. So I called Diane, and when she picked up I almost hung up -- I haven't trusted another female in a long time, it was a frightening thing to do so again knowing I would be completely vulnerable to this person.

"Can you come outside?"

"Yes!" click. Joshua's mom (who had a slight idea of what was wrong because everyone was wondering why he wasn't at Bible study).

I turned off my car, tears still holding in my eyes. For a moment I froze, waiting for Diane to walk out of the house. I decided not to wait and to go meet her. I walked across the court and halfway there I saw Diane dash out of her house.

"What happened!" she held her arms open and I collapsed into them and began to sob. I felt a third hand rest on my head. It has been so long since I have done more than shed a few tears on someones shoulder. So long since I have let anyone see me hurt so much. I figured it was nothing to burden anyone with, they shouldn't have to bear my load -- I should be strong enough to bear it anyway.

I had planned on being home at a decent hour to get some good sleep, but 2 hours passed and I was still talking to Diane and Andrea (whose hand had been on my head). Joshua came by and gave me a hug saying, "I'm glad you came back to talk to Andrea."

At last, help. I'm no longer alone in my struggle, and they said to just let them know what we needed them to do. At last, accountability, so the problem can be solved (not annihilated off the road).

Praise God He turned my car around.