Poetry

I want to write you many things, like how I’ll never be able to be with anyone else because I can’t, because it wouldn’t be fair to that person because my heart and mind would be with you. I want to adamantly assure you that I will be faithful to you. I’ve already told you how much I missed you, what I didn’t say was how much I still do, because things still aren’t the same. I want to hang out with you, talk with you, lean my head on your shoulder again. I could live without you if that were God’s will, but God’s will has made me incomplete without you.

It is hard though. Because others have been attracted to me, and it’s hard to forsake someone who wants me for someone who doesn’t. But I’ve given in a couple times, and I know that guilt will not leave me alone -- I can find hardly a pleasure in being with someone who sees me as a potential soul mate when in my mind I can’t stop thinking about you. They may not understand it but it is more loving for me to tell them, “No,” than it is to give in to what we both want. You however, have encouraged me to be unloving, because you don’t understand, you don‘t know. It was your negative thoughts about my actions and your ridicule that I gave in to, and I hurt, used and abused someone who had no clue of what they were getting themselves into.

I want to tell you that I hope you get the very best, even if it doesn’t include me. And I want to tell you that, right now, a part of me doesn’t even want anything more to do with you. A part of me is weary of enduring your ignorant ridicule. A part of me cries out to God saying, “God, release me from this terrible fate of waiting for someone who doesn’t care.” I want to be cared about, I want to be looked at, I want someone to be proud of me and be amazed at what God has done and made. I want to be a prize to someone, or I want to be released from caring whether anyone but God looks at me in that way. Because He is enough for me, and cares about me, and He looks at me and is proud of me and admires the work He has done and He wants to show it off.

I want to tell you all these things. But I’d have to have lost my mind to do something so risky and downright crazy. I’d have to be insane to say, “I love you.”

“Entreat me not to leave you,
Nor to turn back from following after you.
Where you go, I will go,
Where you lodge I will lodge.
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God;
Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried…”