Hurry Back

I said, "Sure, baby, sure I'll be OK

You can bet that I'll dream about you each day

Please, don't forget me

Please, come back safe to me; but I'll be OK."

Well, baby hurry back

'Cause I didn't know I'd miss you

As much as I do

I got all peopled out today. Went to a different church today for someone's Confirmation, mingled with those from my Bible study group afterward at the lunch the church served, came home for maybe an hour, hour-na-half, drove with Rebekah to the RBC Family Picnic, and came home. I was worn out. I ended up not going to Bible study tonight -- I know I'll hear about it later, but sometimes you need that time. I mean, it's not like I spent that time away from God, in fact, it was just me an' Him in my world. There was only one human being I wanted to see and hang out with at that time, which of course didn't help me in the way of cheerfulness because there was nothing I could about contacting/hanging out with that person. Which of course made the missing even stronger. I miss my companion. But God helped me feel better. He heard my pain and frustration and let me lay my head on His shoulder for comfort. I cried, "God, I've never felt like I've known You better than when I got to know him, and when we stopped acting like friends my relationship with You suffered as well, and though You brought me back again I still can't seem to get as close as when he and I were friends... and there's nothing I can do about it." As I parked in the Safeway parking lot and got out of my car to get Mom coffee I felt this incredible calm, and couldn't help smiling.

Oh, I wish everyone would know God like this -- His love is a stronger version of the love of a husband and wife 'most everyone longs to experience, and He longs for everyone to experience His. But one person can't keep a marriage alive, and He won't force you to do your part.

The Great Plunge into Adulthood

It's the event that is taking place in most of our lives right now. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes I get excited, sometimes I worry that the responsibility will come too fast and I won't be ready for it. But, after some recent happenings in my life, I determined that I wouldn't be sad that so many of you all who are so near and dear to me are going to be farther away for a longer length of time than ever before...since I've met you anyway. Why? Because I'm not going to let that really affect anything if I can help it. I want you all to know, even more than before, how much I love you guys and how much you all mean to me -- every single one of you. I'm going to fight for the relationships I have with you all and my family -- especially my closest sister. I asked someone once how their brother was -- from what his brother had told me they had been close like my sister and I -- and he almost got defensive and said, "I don't know. We don't really have anything in common anymore." And it made me sad that he said that. I was thinking, "And you're just going to let him slip away from you?! You're not going to do anything about it?!" And I thought about Rebekah, and was like, "I don't think we've ever had much in common!" But she's one of the best friends I'll have. Hehe, this is the girl that I got into fist fights with, heated arguements with, tossed blame back and forth with -- we seriously wanted to strangle each other sometimes we clashed so much! But she's also the one I can tell pretty much anything, we've laughed together, cried together, hung out together, shared a bedroom (and sometimes a bed) together my entire life. And I would never just let us drift away.

I love you guys so much, you just have no idea, it's beyond words and comprehension -- and to think God's love is more so. I can't believe we'd ever hurt Him -- much less want to...

Hide

Plastic smile, feigned excitement

This is how I hide from you

So I don't trouble you

With the pain inside me

I struggle on, on alone

'Cause I'm afraid of what you'll say

If you find out what's wrong

Could you even help me?

And I cry, feeling like there's no one on my side

Then I wipe the tears from my eyes

Put on a full set of make-up

So you can't see how I'm hurting inside

And move on with my life

And I hide

Discouragment, frustration

Weighing me down; I can't get out

Why does it seem it always turns

Out to be this way?

...Watching you walk away

No farewell, no backward glance

Just your back fleeing fast

Out of my life

And I cry, feeling like there's no one on my side

Then I wipe the tears from my eyes

Put on a full set of make-up

So you can't see how I'm hurting inside

And move on with my life

And I hide

Crying out, crying out

Hear me crying out inside

Here I am, open before you

Look inside, laugh if you might

This is me, and I'm sure

It's many of you

Do you cry, feeling like there's no one on your side?

Then you wipe the tears from your eyes

Put on a full set of make-up

So I can't see how you're hurting inside

And move on with your life

And you hide

Sometime during a service

" 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'

In the moment when I heard those words and suddenly felt Him there, truly there with me, I didn't have any more answers to the questions and confusion that had been weighing me down of late; but I did know that no matter what happened, He would be there with me, and always would be. he would never leave, and He would never stop loving me, and would never leave me to guess how much He truly cares about me. No matter what happened, I wouldn't be going it alone."

Oh the wonderful cross

"When I survey the wonderous cross

On which the Prince of glory died

My richest gain I count but loss

And pour contempt on all my pride

Oh, the wonderful cross

Oh, the wonderful cross

Bids me come and die

And find that I can truly live

Oh, the wonderful cross

Oh, the wonderful cross

All who gather here

By faith draw near, and bless Your name"

Lord, how do I speak up for You? How do I make a difference in this world? This life is so short, "whether we live to be 100, or 16." I feel like no one will listen, no matter how passionate, sincere, or knowledgeable You make me. I feel like my life is a waste because only those who already believe in and follow You see what You have taught me as anything more than, "well, that's great for you, but..." Like for Justin's brother, did anything I said or did make any difference, or did I rely on myself all those times and they weren't really Your words? I feel like I'm worthless to You because I'm just the "good girl" who doesn't ever do anything wrong and can't see where anyone's coming from, or this is all I know and...and it frustrates me. I wish I could make people care. I wish I could make Justin care, I wish I could make Megan care, I wish I could make Chris care, I wish I could make Traci care...God it breaks my heart to know that I can't. I can't make anybody love You; I can't make anyone know You; I can't...I can't do anything but stand by and watch so many people that I care so deeply about just...insist there's a better way for them.

How do You do it, God? How do You not die of a broken heart? How can You bear to watch all these people You love go about their lives not caring that someone died for them -- wouoldn't bat an eye if You died a million deaths for them? Why don't they care? They don't care how much they hurt You, but they'll raise all havoc if they get hurt. They don't care how hard a life Jesus lives, but theirs had better be perfect or something's wrong.

How do You still have enough love left for me after I've wandered so many times? How can You still want to give me "good" things and do good things for me?

Why don't we care like we ought to?

Comments enabled

So, I just found out today that not just anyone could comment, so I have changed that so that anyone can comment. So, if you have something to say, say it :-) I'd love to hear from you...yeah :-D

I'm falling harder than the first time

So, I go through all this trouble looking at cars and test driving them, and then all the troubles of getting the price as low as it would go, and I get home, and while everyone continues raving about it, all I want to do is go and spend time with the God and Father who finally allowed me to get the perfect car. I realized all the more that it's just a car. And something I read in the Bible during that time I escaped made me think, "What if I die in the next few days, or even tonight? Is the car really important? What really matters?" It sounds depressing, I know, but that's not how I was thinking about it. I mean, it was weird to think about it, but I had to face it and know that I was ok with it if that's how God decided to let things come about. He's the most important thing in my life, and, just like in every human relationship, it's easy to forget when they're always around. Today I started feeling a love for God and His love for me in such a different way -- a way I'd only noticed through reading the Bible, but could never really see it for real. It's like having a husband and thinking you really want him to get you something and then you'd know he really loves you. And then he gets it for you and surprises you with it, and you realize that whatever it is isn't what you really want, but that he is, and he's been trying to get you to see that. God loves us like a father (Matt. 7:11), He loves us like a friend (just see how He interacts with His disciples and others He was close to), and He loves us like a spouse (Isaiah 54:5). That's the one we miss the most. It's strange to us to think of Him in that way. Why? Well, what kind of relationship do you have with a spouse? The kind where you pass in the hall and trade a quick, "Hi, how are you?" "Pretty good, you?" "Same here."? No, it's a much more intimate relationship. A relationship in which you know someone like you've never known anyone else. Think about that. Imagine having that kind of relationship with Someone who often seems farther away than another galaxy. Someone we know as God, who often don't treat or respect as God -- in fact think He owes us something. Imagine learning to love Him like we hope to one day, or do love someone else.

God of wonders beyond our galaxy

Well, looks like I might be getting a car today, at last. After all the "trouble" of not finding "the car" I believe I have now found it. This car is the reason I couldn't find one sooner. You know, I don't know if this car was even up for sale when I first started looking. And then...I don't know, I decided to try searching for Toyota Echos one more time, and there was this one, two miles away at Carmax, which my parents and I had visited a while ago and didn't find this one before. Then, on Thursday Rebekah and I went to Carmax, and a dealer brought us straight to the car, unlocked the door, I sat in it, the seat scoots up far enough, and I asked if we could test drive it. And he said, "Sure." Hehe, Rebekah said the guy seemed worried when we traded seats and I started driving. I know I wasn't driving badly though, I was being extra careful, 'cause for one thing, it wasn't my car yet. But I suppose it was 'cause I didn't even look 18, and 18 isn't all that old or "experienced."

I've prayed about it, and I feel good about this car, and excited that it's finally going to happen, as far as I can tell. Plus, all these adults I've told about the car, who haven't seen it, seem possitive that it's "the car." My parents, and some patients at the chiropractor's office that I work in. And one of the chiropractors. I didn't even say I was going to get it, I just said that I might, and that my dad and I were going back to Carmax today to see it, and their like, "Hope buying your car goes well," or something along that line. It was actually kind of amusing.

Now I just have to figure out what I want my liscense plate to say -- I want it to say something. Any ideas? I have a few, but I want it to be a surprise, so I'm not going to share my ideas with you, but I'd like to hear yours, maybe they'll surpass all mine :-D! And besides that I'd like to hear from all ya'll who still read this blog...if anybody does.

All they really wanted was you...

Lately I've been feeling restless pretty often. I'll want quiet time, and then when I get it I can't relax or enjoy it, and I feel like I need to do something. I don't really feel like I have anyone I can talk to. With some of my new aquaintances I don't feel like I can just share and get prayer and a hug, but they want to immediately just take care of it...it doesn't seem like it truly matters to them. At work I don't feel like they really know me, and it's hard because I know I have to step up to the plate and be someone I'm not because they expect it, and they don't understand why certain things make me uncomfortable.

Maybe I just need to go to bed, it is late...

And why do I even bother writing things here, the silence I receive day in and day out is just one more reminder that we all have ourselves to worry about more than those we say we care about, and who has the time to listen? We all have too much going on. I can scream at the top of my lungs and to you all nothing really comes out.

Dear God,

Lately growing up seems to have separated many of us from our hearts. They've gotten broken, smushed, taped up by amateurs, throw away, put away, and lost. We've lost feeling, or all good feelings anyway. What we feel is numb, restless, depressed, stressed, unsatisfied and unhappy.

Please teach me to love and care and listen to those I claim to love, because I know now how much it hurts to wonder if anyone out there really does love, care, and want to listen to me and my cry for help. I know what it feels like to be lonely, and to feel like the whole world is falling on me. I know what it's like to scream and not be heard. To cry and not be comforted. To dream and not be taken seriously. And I don't want to be like that. I don't want my world to revolve around me. I don't want to be the center of my universe. But...if I don't care about me, who will? That's our biggest fear, and I know I forget that You're there, ready, waiting with open arms to carry me, feed me, comfort me. If only I could stop wanting anyone but You to take Your place, I might actually find what it is I hurt and long so greatly for. I might actually be happy with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing. Enough so that I don't worry about me anymore, and I have more time to make You real in other people's lives. To help someone else realize that You're not just out there. You're not just a word or being that we think we know. And that we all have You all wrong. I wish so much I didn't have to wait until heaven to see You. I wish Jesus were here with me. And yet,"Blessed are they who have not seen, and yet believe." But God, it's so hard. Father. Friend...please...show us where we've misplaced our hearts. Show us where we've hidden them. Help us find them...

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. Let it be.