All they really wanted was you...

Lately I've been feeling restless pretty often. I'll want quiet time, and then when I get it I can't relax or enjoy it, and I feel like I need to do something. I don't really feel like I have anyone I can talk to. With some of my new aquaintances I don't feel like I can just share and get prayer and a hug, but they want to immediately just take care of it...it doesn't seem like it truly matters to them. At work I don't feel like they really know me, and it's hard because I know I have to step up to the plate and be someone I'm not because they expect it, and they don't understand why certain things make me uncomfortable.

Maybe I just need to go to bed, it is late...

And why do I even bother writing things here, the silence I receive day in and day out is just one more reminder that we all have ourselves to worry about more than those we say we care about, and who has the time to listen? We all have too much going on. I can scream at the top of my lungs and to you all nothing really comes out.

Dear God,

Lately growing up seems to have separated many of us from our hearts. They've gotten broken, smushed, taped up by amateurs, throw away, put away, and lost. We've lost feeling, or all good feelings anyway. What we feel is numb, restless, depressed, stressed, unsatisfied and unhappy.

Please teach me to love and care and listen to those I claim to love, because I know now how much it hurts to wonder if anyone out there really does love, care, and want to listen to me and my cry for help. I know what it feels like to be lonely, and to feel like the whole world is falling on me. I know what it's like to scream and not be heard. To cry and not be comforted. To dream and not be taken seriously. And I don't want to be like that. I don't want my world to revolve around me. I don't want to be the center of my universe. But...if I don't care about me, who will? That's our biggest fear, and I know I forget that You're there, ready, waiting with open arms to carry me, feed me, comfort me. If only I could stop wanting anyone but You to take Your place, I might actually find what it is I hurt and long so greatly for. I might actually be happy with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing. Enough so that I don't worry about me anymore, and I have more time to make You real in other people's lives. To help someone else realize that You're not just out there. You're not just a word or being that we think we know. And that we all have You all wrong. I wish so much I didn't have to wait until heaven to see You. I wish Jesus were here with me. And yet,"Blessed are they who have not seen, and yet believe." But God, it's so hard. Father. Friend...please...show us where we've misplaced our hearts. Show us where we've hidden them. Help us find them...

In Jesus' name I pray, Amen. Let it be.