Looking Back

11/07 - 1:35a.m.


My Dearest Father,


Oh, the aching of my heart as I begin to cry out that he and I are not, and have never been, friends. I hate the devil with a passion, more than I ever have before; how dare he use me in such a way! How dare I let him?


Oh, the pain I felt, Lord, as he spoke of possibly never singing, never living out his calling; all because of me. Woe to me if I should become the ruin of a righteous man of God! The occasional pain of forever being single or left out would be bliss compared to the torment of spirit I would endure every day of my life if I be any part in the destruction of someone's calling!


My heart is heavy as I sit here on this couch, thinking of one of the greatest men I will never know because we fell for the evil schemes of Satan. You are his greatness, Lord, and I would not tear You from him!


Help me, please.


Sincerely,
Me.

Ace of Immortality

There is not a moment of struggle that I can remember music not helping in some way. Classical/Instrumental is amazing when I just need to be still and release every weight from my shoulders. But most often it's the lyrics which affect me the most.

I remember a day when I was furious at my Dad for restricting my internet time to 15 lousy minutes. We had dial-up, and most of those minutes would be taken up waiting for pages to load. I stomped off to my bedroom and plopped on my bed, fuming. I turned on the radio. The very next song to play was Happy Girl by Martina McBride.

"I used to live in a darkened room

Had a face of stone, and a heart of gloom

Lost my hope, I was so far gone

Crying all my tears, with the curtains drawn

I didn't know until my soul broke free

I've got these angels watching over me and

Oh, watch me go,

I'm a happy girl

Everybody knows

That the sweetest thing

That you'll ever see

In the whole wide world

Is a happy girl"

At first I scowled, fighting the reproof. Then, I started laughing -- the absurdity of being angry over something so small! I could take it, or leave it.

Ask me to describe a particular time in my life, I can probably answer with the lyrics that affected me most during that time. I think that's why I love country music so much, I love the way they're written in story form.

"'Cause they're songs about me

And who I am

Songs about lovin' and livin'

And good-hearted women

And family and God

Yeah, they're all just

Songs about me

Songs about me."

Like all secular music, there is the "bad country music", but I find more songs about faith, about persevering than I do in most other secular music. I find more love songs that express a deep and devoted and enduring love to a spouse than in most music. The men are men, strong, capable, there for their woman. The women are women, strong, capable, there for their man. But, in the end, any genre of music can affect me significantly. I'm not picky about the genre, really, just lyrics.

Right now, as I go through the uncertainty of where the money for my bills and food is going to come from, I find myself returning, again and again, to the song "My All in All". It reminds me of God's promise to provide what I need, and He has this habit of blessing above and beyond need. And "above and beyond" is not usually what I think or expect. I returned from Lancaster, Pennsylvania thinking that God would provide a good, stable job by sometime in October, 2009, when I moved into a house with three other women. In November I started working at Curves (a women's gym), part time. They had stated that it would be about 15 hours a week, and that it would be no problem establishing a set schedule for me so that I could easily work in another part time job. The hours ranged from 7-17/week, often closer to 10-12/week, at very low pay, and the days and times kept changing week to week, month to month. Then, in December, a friend of mine presented me with the job offer of querying publishers and agents for him, up to 10 hours/week. I decided it was worth a try, though I'd never done anything of the sort before. That wound up often being less than 10 hours/week; not by any fault on his part, I'd just never worked from home before, nor spent so much time in front of the computer screen, so it was hard to stay focused and diligent for hours on end.

I was getting by, drawing a lot on my savings for whatever amount I wasn't making with my two jobs. I kept praying, knowing I either needed one full-time job, or one more part time job, but I couldn't think of a single part time job that would be flexible enough that I wouldn't have to give up one of my other jobs. Again, I thought God would provide me a dependable, solid part time job somewhere as my third job.

In the middle of January, a woman that I had trained one-on-one in the past, before moving to Lancaster, called and said she had a job proposition for me. She said that she needed to have surgery on her shoulder, and for six to eight weeks after the surgery, she wouldn't be able to use her right arm at all. She asked me if I'd be able to be her right arm, starting February 1st, for those six to eight weeks, possibly more, depending on how well and fast she healed, and they'd pay me for my services. She said it would probably be between 20 and 40 hours a week. Amazed at God's provision, I readily accepted. March 1st I started working for Lucille, after her surgery had to be postponed due to a potential heart issue. By that time, I had cut back on hours at Curves to make room for my hours helping Lucille, and I was nearing the end of the first project for my friend John, so those hours were few, and we had two big blizzards in the first two weeks of February. Actually, two blizzards in one week.

Now, I have two inspections due on my car, a fan belt that probably needs to be replaced, and rear brakes that probably need to be replaced, an extra-high utility bill on top of my usual rent, just paid my car insurance for the next six months, I need to take my cat in for a check-up (since I haven't taken him in since I got him from his previous owners), and....oh yeah, and I've apparently lost 3 1/2 lbs. of muscle from lack of getting to a gym due to attempting to save gas and not being able to afford a membership to a gym close to my home. So far, God has blessed me with a good-sized tax refund, a gift card to Coldstone, Lucille provides my lunch while I'm over at her house, I know a couple of people who have said they're willing and able to fix the brakes and fan belt, and I've been able to carpool a few times which helps save a little bit of gas. Oh yeah, and my former boss has given me permission to continue working out at the office gym for free, the hard part is getting there. But the office is on my way home from Lucille's and Curves, which means I should be able to work out again and on a more consistent basis. In addition to all this, God has granted me peace, perseverance, and strength. All in all, He is providing for me.

I don't know what's going to happen in six to eight weeks or so when Lucille no longer needs my assistance, but either I can trust God, or I can't, and obviously, I can. As much as I like to plan ahead and to have everything worked out ahead of time, I'm excited to see what my All in all will do. "By awesome deeds in righteousness You will answer us, O God of my salvation."

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that I seek

You are my All in all

Seeking You as a precious jewel

Lord, to give up, I'd be a fool

You are my All in all

Jesus, Lamb of God,

Worthy is Your name

Jesus, Lamb of God,

Worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame

Rising again I bless Your name

You are my All in all

When I fall down, You pick me up

When I am dry, You fill my cup

You are my All in all

Jesus, Lamb of God,

Worthy is Your name

Jesus, Lamb of God,

Worthy is Your name.

A Hero for the Heroine, a Heroine for the Hero

"I am slowly falling apart,

I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start

And you might think it's easy being me;

You just stand still, look pretty"

~Stand Still, Look Pretty by The Wreckers

"Let a woman learn in silence

with all submission.

And I do not permit a woman

to teach or to have authority over a

man, but to be in silence.

For Adam was formed first, then

Eve.

And Adam was not deceived, but

the woman being deceived, fell into

transgression.

Nevertheless she will be saved

in childbearing if they continue in

faith, love, and holiness, with self-

control."

~1 Timothy 2:11-15

Verses that every woman hates, deep down, even if they stay safe and never say so. Why? Because if these verses are all you ever read in the Bible, this is the picture of God that women get:

1. God likes men better.
2. I'm nothing but a trophy -- I'm there for decoration, to make "my man" look better.
3. Eve is solely responsible for "The Fall".
4. I'm only good to keep around if I do everything and anything I'm told -- oh yeah, and if I raise perfect children.
5. I'm nothing without a man.

"The church has not been a big help here. No, that's not quite

honest enough. The church has been part of the problem. Its message

to women has been primarily 'you are here to serve. That's

why God created you: to serve. In the nursery, in the kitchen, on

the various committees, in your home, in your community.'

~Excerpt from Captivating, by John and Staci Eldredge

I can't help but wonder if those verses are in the Bible as a test: Do you trust Me? The Bible says that God is Good, Love, and doesn't show partiality (among many other attributes). So how come I feel like I'm paying for two other persons' sins (Eve's and Adam's), in addition to my own, when I read those verses? When I read those verses, I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel loved, I don't feel even/equal. I feel judged and condemned to Hell.

So, why do I still trust Him? Because I've weighed the evidence, and come to the conclusion that He is Good, He is Love, He is impartial (among many other things :-) ). And if He is Good, Love, and impartial (among many other things), then I can disregard every conception I have when reading 1 Timothy 2:11-15, as lies.

First on the list of evidence, is what the rest of the Bible says -- the other picture painted for us to view:

"Husbands, likewise, dwell with

them with understanding, giving

honor to the wife, as to the weaker

vessel, and as being heirs together

of the grace of life, that your prayers

may not be hindered."

~1 Peter 3:7~

"Husbands, love your wives, just

as Christ also loved the church and

gave Himself for her,

that He might sanctify and

cleanse her with the washing of water

by the word,

that He might present her to

Himself a glorious church, not having

spot or wrinkle or any such

thing, but that she should be holy

and without blemish.

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he

who loves his wife loves himself.

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it,

just as the Lord does the church.....

'For this reason a man shall

leave his father and mother and be

joined to his wife, and the two shall

become one flesh.' "

~Ephesians 5:25-29,31

Let me pause there and point out verse 31: "....shall become one flesh." "One flesh" = "one person." So there's the impartiality where a married couple is concerned.

"For you are all sons of God

through faith in Christ Jesus.

For as many of you as were baptized

into Christ have put on Christ.

There is neither Jew nor Greek,

there is neither slave nor free, there

is neither male nor female; for you

are all one in Christ Jesus.

And if you are Christ's, then

you are Abraham's seed, and heirs

according to the promise."

~Galatians 3:26-29~

There it is for single and married alike. This doesn't mean that there are no differences between men and women (news flash, I know), but it means that God is not partial to one or the other (ladies, we're not better than the men, either). And if He is impartial, then even though it is a male (King David) who wrote Psalm 139, it applies to me, as a woman, as well. "How wonderful are Your thoughts to me, O God, and how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You." (v. 17-18).

"I have been crucified with

Christ; it is no longer I who live, but

Christ lives in me; and the life which

I now live in the flesh I live by faith

in the Son of God, who loved me

and gave Himself for me."

~Galatians 2:20~

As for whose sins we pay for, Ezekiel 18 is dedicated completely to this topic, but to sum up: "The soul who sins shall die (the law of sin and death). The son shall not bear the guilt of the father, nor the father bear the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself." But it doesn't stop there! There's even better news! A greater gospel (for men and women):

"For God so loved the world

that He gave His only begotten Son,

that whoever believes in Him should

not perish but have everlasting life.

For God did not send His Son

into the world to condemn the world,

but that the world through Him

might be saved.

He who believes in Him is not

condemned; but he who does not believe

is condemned already, because

he has not believed in the name of

the only begotten Son of God."

"There is therefore now no condemnation

to those who are in

Christ Jesus, who do not walk according

to the flesh, but according

to the Spirit.

For the law of the Spirit of life

in Christ Jesus has made me free

from the law of sin and death."

~Romans 8:1-2~

Are you feeling freer yet?

In addition to ALL this -- look at the most attractive marriage relationships, what do they look like? The man seems a few inches taller and the woman seems to glow! She praises him, and he praises her. They serve each other. They bring out the best in each other. And they also have God has their Center. He's the one who taught them how to love unselfishly, the reason they pressed on through the hardest years of marriage. My favorite part of weddings, in addition to watching the groom's face as his bride first comes into his view and as he watches her coming toward him, is watching the parents' of the bride and groom dance together at the reception. Specifically those parents who have been married for 20+ years.

As evidence that my feelings from 1 Timothy 2 are lies, I think of my parents, who still flirt after 24 years of marriage and raising 8 kids. I think of my friend Lucille, and her husband Dino, married for 48 years, and there's still a spark in the way they interact and look and speak to each other -- adoration and respect, on both ends. I remember my great-grandparents, on my mother's side, both now deceased, still sitting close and holding hands and still looking at each other in that adorable "I love you" sort of way, at 90+ years old.

"Let your fountain be blessed,

And rejoice with the wife of

your youth.

As a loving deer and a graceful

doe,

Let her breasts satisfy you at

all times;

And always be enraptured (intoxicated)

with her love."

~Proverbs 5:18-19~

Then, of course, I see the relationships that happen around me. Whether the relationship lasts or not, look at all the different things men do to win the heart of a woman! 

"There are three things which

are too wonderful for me,

Yes, four which I do not understand;

The way of an eagle in the air,

The way of a serpent on a rock,

The way of a ship in the midst

of the sea,

And the way of a man with a

virgin."

~Proverbs 30:18-19~

"My Mama and Daddy tried to teach me courtesy,

But it never sank in 'til that girl got a hold of me

Now, I'm holding umbrellas, and openin' up doors,

I'm taking out the trash and I'm sweeping my floors.

Crossing my fingers and counting every kiss,

Praying that it keeps going on like this

'Cause I like it, I love it, I want some more of it

I try so hard, I can't rise above it

Don't know what it is 'bout that little gal's lovin'

But I like it, I love it, I want some more of it."

~I Like It, I Love It by Tim McGraw

Lastly, I hold as evidence the movies and songs that most reach my heart when it comes to romance and life with someone else: When You Say You Love Me, You Raise Me Up, My Confession, and So She Dances by Josh Groban; Walking Her Home, by Mark Schultz; Long, Slow Kisses by Trace Adkins; Because You Love Me by Jo Dee Messina, You've Got A Way by Shania Twain, and Beauty and the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Just to name a few.

I don't know if I'll ever understand just what point Apostle Paul was trying to make when he wrote those words to Timothy; maybe the women in that particular group were disrupting any real teaching or learning from happening, what with women being less educated then men back then, I don't know. But I do know that the lower-than-dirt feeling I get after reading it is grounded only on past misinterpretation and misapplication of those verses, not on truth. Because the truth doesn't bury you six feet under -- the truth sets you free.

So, in conclusion:

1. God made man and woman in His image, and He is not partial to either one. God loves us all with reckless abandon.
2. I sure as anything intend to make my man look good! But it won't be a one-way-street, it won't be as a decoration, and it will certainly not be for lack of any other purpose in life. 
3. In a world without Jesus, Eve pays for Eve's sins, Adam pays for Adam's, and Marie pays for Marie's. But this world is not without Jesus, who gave His life to take the punishment for every sin He never committed, so Adam, and Eve, and me, the ones who did commit them, could have a second chance at everlasting life.
4. "...that whoever believes in Him, will not perish, but have everlasting life." I'm saved by grace through faith, I remain saved because of God's grace, and nothing, and no one, can snatch me from His hand.
5. I'm nothing without God. Quite literally, actually. And He's the only one that I can't do without. Having a life partner added in the mix is just a different journey and set of adventures than without. God says I'm special, and worth everything He's gone through to win my life and my heart back, and being single or taken has absolutely nothing to do with it.

She's the kind of girl who makes me smile at nothing

She's the kind of girl who makes me laugh with all her silly faces

That kind of girl who memories are made of

She's that kind of girl

That kind of girl who makes the sun wish that it could shine

That kind of girl who makes a man much better than he was before

She's the kind of girl, oh

She said she will get married in a castle

In late December and I say that should do just fine

'Cause I love the winter

And then we'll chase the sun down

'Til it's dark out

And find our own hideaway, hideaway day

She's the kind of girl who dreams without a reason

She's the kind of girl that with one glance, knows just what I'm thinkin'

That kind of girl who reads without occasion

She's that kind of girl

That kind of girl who's not afraid of danger

She's friendly to a stranger on the street

That kind of girl who'll skip class just for coffee

She sees me like the world could never see

She says she will get older in a big town in California

And I say that should do just fine

'Cause I love the coastline and then we'll chase the sun down

'Til it's dark out

And find our own hideaway, hideaway day

That kind of girl that doesn't need to do her hair

She'll act on any dare

She knows that life's not fair

That kind of girl that lets music do the talking

She dances while she's walking next to me

She says she will be buried in the ocean come whatever

And I say that should do just fine

'Cause I love the water

And then we'll chase the sun down

'Til it's dark out

And find our own hideaway, hideaway day

~Sun Down by Iver