Torn

I think I have been reading and researching and praying more during this election than any I've been part of before. This is the first election I have truly struggled with the decision. Part of that is being more aware, as well as knowing more about the world and what the Bible says. It's also because, at least as a Christian, there is no clear choice.

Do I vote for the "lesser of two evils"? And who decides what and whom that is? Do I vote for a third party even though they won't win? Is that wasting my vote? Is that rebelling? Do I choose not to vote at all? Is that irresponsible or disrespectful?

Everywhere I turn there are haters for every decision. If I look to people to make my choice for me, I am a horrible person and an idiot whether I vote for Clinton, Trump, third party, or don't vote at all. I hear that if Clinton wins, it's the end of religious freedom for Christians. If Trump wins, it's the end of progress. If I vote for a third party I don't love my minority friends. And if I don't vote at all I am a horrible excuse for an American, disrespecting and disregarding the people who lost their lives fighting for my right to vote. Some even say this is true if I vote for a third party: since they won't win, it's as if I didn't vote, or that it's a vote for the winner, and I'm still to blame. So much fear and judgement going around, and no absolute right answer as far as people are concerned.

It seems to me that voting the last few terms has often been more out of fear than a firm belief in the other candidate. "Vote for ______, this other person MUST NOT WIN!" The world runs on fear and bullying, which could also be a response to fear. The Bible tells me, "There is no fear in love; for fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18)

I am still unsure as to where my vote shall land, but I will continue praying and seeking the only Opinion that matters to me.

"Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; 

But we will remember the name of the LORD our God." 

Psalm 20:7

Time is running out, come save

Death is creeping in, come save

We humble ourselves and seek Your face,

Pour out Your mercy, like rain

Your sons and Your daughters cry for You

The waves of the waters reach for You

And all of creation rises up and screams out Your name

Oh Lord, come save

Addicted to our pride, come save

Consumed in self-delight, come save

Break us and free us from these chains

We desperately need Your grace

Your sons and Your daughters cry for You

The waves of the waters reach for You

And all of creation rises up and screams out Your name

Oh Lord,

Come awaken us from our sleep

Come bring us to our knees

Come whisper truth in our ears

Come save

Your sons and Your daughters cry for You

The waves of the waters reach for You

And all of creation rises up and screams out Your name

Oh Lord, come save

(Sarah Reeves, Come Save)

A Cluttered Soul

"How does being a believer affect your everyday life?"

This is a question my mother-in-law asked me. I'm not entirely sure how to answer that. At least not simply.

Yesterday was a very difficult day. For me, as an introvert, being social takes a lot of energy, and with a 1-year-old who loves attention and interaction, some days are absolutely miserable...probably for both of us. Yesterday, I could not muster the energy to be excited about anything, I did not want to talk, much less talk with a 1-year-old, repeating the same words, same phrases, over and over and over again. On top of this, my son seemed especially demanding and short-tempered. I could not prepare his bottle fast enough, and then he wanted to be held, but I needed to make breakfast. He wanted to stick his hand in the trash can and pull things out, and put things in that didn't belong. He wanted to slam the cupboards over and over. He wanted to go upstairs. He wanted to pull off all the pieces of our roommate's succulent. The morning alone consisted of me saying, "No!" over and over and my son throwing a tantrum every time, shouting from me the umpteenth time, and a lot of frustration and anger and crying from both of us. I wanted nothing to do with anyone, much less a child, unless it consisted of him playing and me just keeping an eye on him in case of an emergency, and it seemed that was the last thing he wanted. He wanted to be held, wanted to get all the things on my desk, kept swiping things off the desk and my file box onto the floor -- every time I put them back, he managed to find a chance to do it again!

I tried to be patient, I really did! But this day, every instant it was gone just like that. I prayed, a lot. I sobbed, defeated, once, and cried a couple other times. For a little while, before his first nap, miraculously, I felt as though a weight had been lifted. I almost cried just at the sudden relief of all that strife! I know that was an answer to prayer, I know it was; but what I couldn't figure out is why it left again. Did I just want so much to have a selfish day that the sudden joy and relief had nowhere to settle in? Was that short time of reprieve what I needed to make it through this tough day?

I begged forgiveness every time I lost my temper, knowing I was not relating to and handling my son in a godly manner. I knew I was failing, and still I could not stand being a mother that day. As soon as I possibly could, I rounded up the baby and my husband that evening and headed out to Grammy and Grampa's, where I could finally receive help and divert my son's attention off me.

I guess these are just nooks and crannies...or, you know, whole rooms and closets in my heart that are still hoarding sin in my life. God found some when I got married. He found the mother-load (get it? "mother-load"?) when I had my son. Selfishness, fear, pride, anger, even bitterness, to name a few. Every day holds challenges, new and old, and every day is another day to realize just how much I need God to clean out this cluttered soul, and fill it with new and better things.

The Change, Part 2

I do not know how to recognize God's love and provision, not really. My understanding is tainted by a first-world up-bringing. A world that largely believes that if you are honoring God and "being good", you will have nice things. If God is happy with you, He will bless you with everything your heart desires: you will get the job you want, the house you want, the car you want, you will not want for food or clothing, in fact, you can eat and wear whatever style suits your fancy. You will find the love of your life, you will work everything out together, and your children will be angels who get into the college of their dreams, and get straight A's. On the other hand, if God is not happy with you, you are the homeless, the poor, the alcoholic, the drug addict, the 40-year-old working at the near-by fast-food joint. You always have to rent, if you even have a home, you can't keep a job or you only ever work at minimum-wage jobs. Your marriage didn't work out, and your children are broken, or struggling in school, or drop-outs, etc. 

We live in a privileged country, and our understanding of purpose and life and God are often skewed because of this.

That being said, here is my struggle: when I hear good news, or hopeful news, my first instinct is, "Uh-huh. Sounds too good to be true, it probably won't happen." Or, when I choose to be hopeful and optimistic, it seems that everything that can goes wrong!

Back in October, my husband and I found out that our first child is on its way. This brought on a lot of mixed emotions ranging from excitement to worry. So many unknowns! Will I miscarry? How long will I keep working? What will happen financially while I'm on maternity leave? Will I go back to work after having the baby? Will I need to keep working 6 days a week most of the year to make ends meet? How will we afford doctor's appointments? That's just to name a few!

First thing I looked into was Medicaid. I applied as soon as I could, and I waited. I waited some more...I began to wonder if I would hear back in time for coverage to start at the beginning of the year. About 3 weeks after applying I got a call from them, answered a couple questions, and the woman said, "If we have any more questions, we'll call back in the next few hours. Otherwise, you should receive a letter in the mail soon explaining the next steps to getting coverage." Again I waited, and wondered why I hadn't received anything. Finally, I received a letter asking for proof of income...I received this letter on a Saturday, December 27, 2014, postmarked the day before. The letter said the due date for this information was December 5, 2014, the letter itself being dated as December 19, 2014. I worked on getting this information to them, and that Thursday I sent it out. About 3 days later, of course I get a denial letter for failing to provide the requested information. At this point, I'm about 4 months pregnant and I've only had a verification test and a first ultrasound done by a local, non-profit pregnancy center, and now I had no idea what we would do about affording a midwife, and heaven forbid something go wrong and I need a hospital! Jared assured me everything would be fine, worst-case scenario, we'd just pay out of pocket. About a week later, I received a response from Medicaid about the information I had sent (in which I had informed them of the confusing dates, and of having no idea when the stuff was actually due). Still they needed more information, and the new due date was 5 days from then. I mailed everything in with two days to spare, my dad confirming that it should be enough information for them. Again I received a denial letter stating I had failed to provide the requested information. That's where I am now with Medicaid. I don't know if what I mailed got there a day late, or if what I sent isn't what they wanted. My options are to call them and see if I can get a clearer answer, or to take my rejection letter to an OB/midwife clinic that uses a sliding scale and hoping that's affordable. I'm leaning toward the latter because I have no faith in government programs.

Then, my husband heard about a job opening that sounded like and answer to prayer. The job description sounded like something Jared would be great at, it would include benefits like a little paid time off and insurance, and the annual salary matched about what I make in a year. I was so excited! We would be taken care of! I could take off as much time as I needed for maternity leave, and go back to work part time if I wanted, and we wouldn't lose any income! In fact, this meant that the months leading up to our child's birth we could put all his paychecks toward paying off debt, possibly paying off half or more in just a couple month's time! As soon as he got the job, Jared expressed anxiety over it. At that point, it was new job, new schedule, new routine anxiety. As soon as formal training began, the anxiety grew worse -- so many new things to learn and keep track of! Once he started delving into it by himself, he said the rabbit hole left by the position being empty for 7 months kept getting deeper and deeper, plus all the record-keeping required took up most of his time, and he said it took twice as long as it should because he couldn't keep focused on it. He said it was a job for at least two people, but they couldn't hire someone to help him. After only 2 or 3 weeks, it became too much for him, and he left. His anxiety lifted immediately, mine, however, returned. It's like we're back to square one, only now I'm 5 1/2 - 6 months pregnant! Add to that the fact that my back and legs start hurting to the point of limping and crying after 3 or 4 massages now, and it's only going to get harder the farther along I get!

Every fiber of my being wants to cry out, "God, what do I need to do to make everything work out?!" and by that I mean is, "God, how can I please You so that You'll make things happen the way I want?!" I want His pity! I want Him to make everything easy! I want Him to set my mind at ease with stuff! However, Jesus says in Matthew, 

"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?"

and

"But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink,' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'

For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things."

and

"So DO NOT WORRY about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

He says to instead, "...'seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.'"

This American world tells me to focus on what I eat, what I drink, what I wear, where I live, where I work, how much I make...what things to buy so that not only my every day life, but my whole future will be easier. God says to me, "That's MY job, to take care of you, and I know how to do that, and I will do it! Your job is to seek first My kingdom and My righteousness."

There are so many more things I will worry about -- like everything that could go wrong -- but my hope is that I will also learn to give the completion of those tasks to His capable hands, as well, so that I can stop worrying about them, and focus on His kingdom and His righteousness, because that is the task He has given to me.

The Change, Part 1

"When did love become

Unmoving?

When did love become

Unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world

has told me,

Father of Love,

You can have me."

Ask the average "heathen" what Christians are like today and you won't hear curiosity or wonder on the topic. You won't hear "loving," "sacrificial," "patient," "understanding," or "accepting/welcoming." At least, I don't.

No, what I hear are things like, "Aren't they supposed to be nice?" and "judgmental," "snooty/stuck-up/thinking themselves better than others," and, "I fart in your general direction." I see person after person putting up defensive walls against this group of people that hates them. And I know that people will always hate God, because that is our nature and we are given to breaking His laws and we don't think He has a right to have laws...but should they ever be able to rightfully say that we are "unloving"? It breaks my heart that they are right! I can tell you right now that I told to love but taught to judge and keep others out. I often don't know how to handle disagreeing with someone's lifestyle when I love them. How do I love them without offering my approval of "x,y,z" and how do I tell them (even when it comes up not by my own choice and I am forced to answer) without sounding like I think I'm perfect? 

The hatred I feel towards me, even from those close to me, and even when it is directed at another believer (or expressed beleiver, as not all who claim to be, are) is hard to bear sometimes! For all their cries that love should reign, they still lash out with the same anger and hatred they have received from "Christians". Because it is what we do. Hurting people hurt people. 

But the love of God is not like that! The love of God may have boundaries, but it is inviting! It is cleansing, strengthening, forgiving, healing, and renewing (just to name few traits)! 

My cry out today is to my fellow believers: Fighting fire with fire will never put out the flames, and it will not save the life of the ones engulfed in them. Ever. We may get burned by getting close enough to pour water on them, but that is still what we need to do: pour water on the flames. The boundaries that God has will still turn people against us, because we don't like change, and we don't like people, or God, telling us we're not perfect, or good enough, on our own, and neither does anybody else (and imagine accepting that if you don't (and don't know why you should) love God). Jesus said that He is the Living Water (when speaking with the Samaritan woman in the Book of John), and that is how we need to "fight" the fire! 

We also need each others help -- because every situation is different. There is a way to love a person who hates you, and a way to love a person who does not live their life for Jesus Christ, but the ways to do this are many -- not one! We all have lessons we have learned, about God, about people, about ourselves, and that information is what will help us tailor our love for our not-Christian neighbors according to each one. We need to continue to learn more from God Himself, about Himself, ourselves, and others, because God loves us each individually, so He must love each of His creations individually.

As the Lord leads, I want to delve deeper into just what and how God's love changes, starting with Humility. That is why I titled this as "Part 1". There is just no way to fit it all in one blog without starving to death, or by my brain exploding from all the different aspects of how God's love is moving and consuming, unlike the love I express by default.

They're Just Words....Misused, Overused, and Underused

It has been quite a while since I last wrote in here. However, as usual, these thoughts generally stay in my head for one reason or another, usually that they are not fully formulated until 11 p.m., and they do no one any good that way, especially not me. They make me lose sleep! Lord willing, they will do more good here than just allowing me a way to process. At least this blog will serve as a means to remind myself of learned lessons.

I think I have written a blog about this before, but the content will be different this time.

After getting married and moving to Harrisonburg, VA, my husband's hometown, getting our own place, and meeting new people, this issue has arisen several times. I never handle or explain it satisfactorily in person. My husband has spoken to our friends privately on my behalf, and they try to be respectful, but of course it is difficult when you don't really understand the motivation behind it.

I don't like cuss words, and it literally pains me to hear God's name thrown around with them. But it doesn't matter to...just about anybody else, at least not my age, not even most other Christians.

Here are my issues:

1. First and foremost, you don't honor someone by dishonoring their name. Would you use anyone else's name when you're swearing when you're not actually talking to them? For instance, my husband's name is Jared. I don't stub my toe and shout, "Jared Hodges!" or just narrowly miss a head-on collision and cry out, "OH MY JARED!" or ruin a cake and complain, "Jared dammit!" Ok, maybe if it was his fault the cake was ruined that would actually be something someone would say. But you see my point? Of course, in these instances you're probably laughing, because it just sounds awkward and silly! So why is it normal and "No big deal" to use "God", "Jesus Christ", and "Lord" in ALL of these ways? It's normal for a lot of people, because they either hate God, don't care about God, or don't even believe He exists, so who cares if His name is thrown around with swear words? But His name means something to me. If I hear people speaking negatively or horribly about my husband behind his back, that hurts me, too. It is my place to defend his name. If I join in with them, am I honoring my husband? Am I loving him? No! I am creating separation between us! Why in the world would I treat God's name any differently?

2. "Cuss words are just words." No word is just a word. Words have meanings...which is why they're useful! They are one of the main ways we communicate with each other! How we bring understanding between two different individuals! Now, I'm pretty sure that phrase is in reference to people who disapprove of cuss words because they're labeled as cuss words (cuss words, swear words, expletives...as kids we called them "bad words"). And if there were no other reason as to why they are found offensive, that would be a good enough case. But it's not. I, personally, have a couple reasons why I decided not to use them, and why I will encourage my children not to use them.

The first reason is because they are a negative stamp in my memory. Our home was not an expletive-free home. They weren't used in everyday conversations, and if my siblings or I were to use them, we were told they were "bad words", but that didn't stop my parents from swearing when the dishwasher broke, us kids wouldn't listen past the television, or the baby wouldn't stop crying. They were angry words. They were the extra-special angry words that showed up when mom or dad had lost their temper. And hey, they're human. They probably grew up hearing a lot of swearing, they both attended public school, so it was probably a habit they both picked up in younger years and chose to leave, at least after they had kids. However, even if they knew they weren't honorable words and didn't want to use them, when you lose control, they're still what slip out. Which is why I chose not to use them at all. Because if I decide to use them in normal conversations (hey, they're not angry or hurting anyone), they will wind up coming out should I lose my temper, and I have one of those lose!

Think about this: what words do you use more of when you're angry? I don't know anybody who swears less when they're mad. What does that tell me about the words? Why is this? What other words increase when you're mad? When I'm mad, I'm usually only thinking about one person: me. How they hurt me, how they're ignoring me, how they don't care about my feelings. If I let that kind of anger go, what do I do? I start trying to hurt them back. I call them names, like "Idiot", "Liar", "Fool", "Horrible Person". I'll tell someone who loves me that they never cared about me. None of this is helpful or useful language in anger. It doesn't work things out, it makes the other person more defensive, more angry, more hurt...That is the kind of anger that profanities multiply within.

Which brings me to the second reason I believe cuss words are simply negative. In the Bible, there's a verse that says,

"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only
such [a word] as is good for edification (encouragement, uplifting, improving)
according to the need [of the moment,] so that it will give grace to those who hear."

Do I feel encouraged when someone says to me, "Fuck you"? Do I feel motivated to change my ways when I'm told to "Stop being such a bitch"? No. Quite the opposite. I either feel angry, more angry, hurt, or discouraged! 

Finally, the reason profanities also often annoy me: they're misused. All of them have meanings. I guess that's what makes them swear words, but if you ask me, that's part of why our vocabulary is devolving! On top of that, I find that swear words cause us to think less about what we are actually saying. "Damn it" or "Dammit" for example. This is used a lot of times when something goes wrong, like trying to beat your best time in a 100 yd. dash. You miss it by a half-second. "Damn it!" I consider this rather counterproductive, because you want your dash to go well. You want to run faster. But to "damn" something is to curse it! Why would you curse something you wanted to go well? Sure, sure, you're not superstitious. But my point is this: has it ever occurred to you what you're really saying? Same as when calling something, "Bad" meant it was good, or telling a friend you're happy with, "I hate you!" instead of "I love you!", even though that's what you meant. I see absolutely no benefit or honor in the phrase "mother-fucker", (I personally despise people referring to sex/making love as "fucking", it is such a degrading term for something so beautiful and sacred), because it is, quite literally, an appalling term (if you think about what it means). Those are just a few examples.

People don't understand why I even think this deeply about it, enough to care. I had to! Everyone who grows up knowing profanities as "bad words" is faced with the question, "Why? They're just words!" at some point. I know, I know, I was supposed to just accept the implied answer, not actually consider it and answer it in my own way. Oh well, what can I say? I was home-schooled :-P.

Free Like an Eagle

Today was a day that I just didn't want to be alive anymore. I didn't really want to die, but I was tired of feeling, and the only way to not feel anything, is to be dead...or a sociopath, which I really hope I'm not ;-P.

Today wasn't a bad day -- in fact it was great: I didn't have to work, I met a few close friends for lunch to celebrate one friend's engagement and another friend's birthday early, and got what I call "meaningful touch". As a massage therapy student, there is no shortage of touch going on...but most of it is not meaningful. It's professional, inexperienced, and oh yeah, sometimes awkward, but because you need to diversify the types of people you work with, you can't pair up every single time with a classmate you're actually friends with. And still, even then it's professional touch when it comes to massage. What would help, of course, is reaching out more myself, I definitely need to do more of that. Then, on top of all that exciting stuff, I am really enjoying my last module of massage therapy school -- it is absolutely fascinating, it's applicable, and it's new compared to what we've been learning and practicing for the last seven months. So all-around, today was a GREAT day!

There are just those days though, when I just get tired of feeling anything. Annoyed, if you will. Just the constant up-and-down that comes with living and being human...I just sometimes get to that point when I don't want to do it anymore. And lately there has a been A LOT of fluctuation in emotions, complete with soaring highs and then plummeting lows, and my heart is tired of adapting to all the changes.

This is why God created and prescribed meditation. I found a quiet place in a hallway during dinner break (which everybody calls "lunch" at school, even though it's 7:30 at night), sat down, and focused on breathing and praying. What I need to add into that, is listening. Gotta say, that's hard for two reasons:

1. I doubt whether what I'm hearing is actually God, or me
2. I'm kind of afraid of what He might say. I'm a coward at heart, and the only thing that makes me at all brave is the Holy Spirit. But I have a hard time surrendering to the Holy Spirit. It's WAY too easy to keep control (or what I think is control)!

But the Bible says that God still speaks, and He still works, and His word still cuts. And concerning no longer wanting to feel...the Bible says, "Yet those who wait on the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary." (Isaiah 40:31). My strength, real strength, is not my own. It is the Lord's, and He has an endless supply. Hebrews also quotes that those who trust in the Lord shall enter His rest -- the same rest that He "entered" on the 7th day of creation. And someone pointed out to me not too long ago, that while days 1-6 all had "and there was morning and there was evening, the 1st day...2nd day...etc," the 7th day doesn't. It just says, "And the 7th day God rested." He was finished. Every day after that was just living in His rest. There was no end to it, until sin entered the world when Adam and Eve disobeyed the Lord -- broke the bond they had with Him. And yet through the birth, life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, we can have eternal life again -- we can enter that rest again! He paid the price (death -- "a life for a life, my debt is repaid..." -Captain Li Shang, Mulan) for what Adam and Eve had done, as well as everything I have done and will do, and everything that you have done and will do. And whoever believes in this will have eternal life.

It's late, and I should sleep, but I go to bed renewed today. Renewed through the strength of my God and Savior, Who gives freely to all who ask and believe in Jesus' name.

"A Thousand Times I've Failed"

All I Can Say is I’m Sorry

There’s nothing I can say
That’ll make it be ok
I can only say I’m sorry

I can’t make it up to You
I can’t take it back, though I want to
I can only say I’m sorry

This was never in my plan
I thought I’d do better and
I can only say I’m sorry

I am fearfully and wonderfully made,
At least that’s what they said in church today
And I can only say I’m sorry

I try to be good, I try to be brave
But I try to do it alone most days
And I can only say I’m sorry

I pray You’ll have mercy
And choose to forgive me
Though all I have to offer is, I’m sorry

I know it’s hardly anything
Compared to Your sacrifice on Calvary
But here it is, I’m sorry

God, You keep on giving even though
I can’t pay You back and You know
I can only say I’m sorry

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
But please, Lord, hear my plea:
Search my heart and know, I’m sorry