You see the depths of my heart

"But what hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do."

O the battles that can rage inside the large and small alike. You know the saying, "Big things come in small packages"? Well, it applies not only to amazing things and big hearts, but also to wars. Bloody and violent wars, the soldiers at each others' throats.

Stubborness. Why must I have the stubborness that fights against God instead of with Him? I am stubborn when I should comply, and I comply when I should be stubborn. And yet, I have no doubt that God knows that He still means more to me than anything else in the entire world; because if He didn't, He'd be long gone by now because I'm sure He wouldn't be able to tell.

For the past year-and-a-half or so I have been frustrated with some guy because he said I was worth so much and now is just...removing himself it seems. He thinks he's lost me and he's not trying to keep me and I'm like, "Well, apparently I'm not worth that much or you wouldn't let me go that easily." And so God taps me on the shoulder and says, "You're worth that much to Me, I'll fight for you, I'll fight anybody for you." And I just wave His words away, not really even hearing them because I'm so focused on what should've been a gift from God but has become a curse because I won't let myself be completely satisfied with Him, even though I know He can and will satisfy. I keep limiting His power and love in my life without even realizing it. And yet He's there, sword drawn, ready and willing and able to fight for my love, my life, my heart. To Him, I am worth it, I am worth fighting for, even if I never am to anybody else.

"Come and hear, all you who fear God,
And I will declare what He has done for my soul.
I cried to Him with my mouth,
And He was extolled with my tongue.
If I regard iniquity in my heart,
The Lord will not hear.
But certainly God has heard me;
He has attended to the voice of my prayer.

Blessed be God,
Who has not turned away my prayer,
Nor His mercy from me!" ~Psalm 66:16-20~